Undone

2004-01-18 – 11:24 p.m.

Yessir I mean it. I have 563 points of stress. Three hundred is the bar of “If you’re over this, you’re going to die very quickly, and i pity you.” type of thing.

That’s okay, i’m not scared of dying so much as i am afraid of living. I see death as a means to an end. Everyone pictures heaven as a place that’s all happy and bunnies and what not, but I don’t. That sorta got shattered. It’s still happy, but it’s not free of pain. I guess that’s what comes from being all sorts of Masochistic. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Me, about Monkey, and about an unnamed person. I don’t think i’m going to give him a name. I’d like to say he’s of no consequence, but honestly, I’ve learned you don’t know what it’s like until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes. As it goes for Monkey, i’ve walked about two feet, and i want out. All the rolls have flip flopped, and now i’m him, and the unnamed guy is me– and i have to use a line the ever so useful “I just want to be friends” line that I loathe so much. And i understand Monkey’s unease of using it. How much it scared him and how much he hated to use it because it sorta did hurt. I cried. I did. I can admit it now. He meant/means a lot to me. I associated the line with the subtexts of “I never want to see you again you annoying bitca.” I understand now that what i felt wasn’t a romantic type thing, i was (I sorta still am) just addicted to how i felt around him. There was no pressure. None. Not to be a good girl,or a bad girl, or to kiss him or to get the best grades, or to do all my homework before i went out. Monkey time was a stress free zone, and i craved that. I still do. I just deny myself the pleasure. (I honestly don’t deserve the freedom) I’m trying to be careful with how i say things…. about him, because it’s hard to be candidly honest and have what you’re saying come out in the way you mean it to.

It was like being everyone and no one at the same time. and i have to admit i’ve never felt so beautiful or ugly as i did at those times. Everything seemed so confusingly clear. But Monkey didn’t feel… he didn’t get the rush I did when I was with him. I honestly can’t speak for him, so I won’t, but in any case, he just wanted to be friends.

For a while i wasn’t okay with that. I was stupid and i was childish. (I still am occasionally) I pushed a lot of blame on him, and he took it, and now i hate myself for that. Because he’s the last person on the earth who deserves it. he’s not perfect, he’s not innocent, But dammit, he’s the nicest person i’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I couldn’t be more sorry for the things i’ve done if i tried. Most times i feel like a schmuck. I did stupid things. I still do them. a lot of the time.

and then after a period of healing — it wasn’t long enough apparently — i started to date again. I guess you could call it dating. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of a lot of things….. I found a great guy. The unnamed guy. He was sweet and affectionate. Kind, generous, loving. Everything I wanted,but never got. I guess there’s a gap between what i want and what I need…. I need another no-stress zone like Monkey gave me. I want the affection, but to live– i need no-pressure.

He’s everything you want

He’s everything you need

He’s everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone

To put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

But you’ll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It’s only what you’re asking for

And you’ll be just fine

With all of your time

It’s only what you’re waiting for

Isn’t insane. The perfect guy comes walking along, and there’s always something in the way. and it’s me. Doesn’t it figure? Makes sense to me. That it’d be my fault. I’d give you the run down of how low and dirty and wrong i am, but i’m tired. I’m twitching very early tonight, I think it’s from the stress– and i just want to collapse.

Derringer Meryl [two boyfriends in the last 12 months] Out

Shame on me, not since Wednesday have I updated. I’m so bad. there’s not much to say about anything, except Stress. I’m very very stressed. *nods*

Oh, and that my story, and i’m stickin’ to it. 🙂 Mou. Oh and I got a Legolas Shirt

Have I mentioned this week that i’m a masochist? Cause I am now…. mentioning that is. I am …. a masochist. I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself in the round about way of stress….

The stress causes stomach aches, as well as a huge guilt complex i have. Which is usually where my “I’m bad i’m wrong i’m evil i’m a dirty whore” stuff comes from.

Cause I am.

Right.

Derringer Meryl [I need Courage] Out

It’s Wednesday, and I haven’t been writing like i should be and I haven’t Lyric Spewed, and i Haven’t told you about all the exciting exciting-ness of college life (okay so not that exciting, but, what can I do?)

I’m spending four or so hours a day at school, and I have to say, it’s not as bad as i thought it would be. I’m still ready to go home at the end of the day. Except for today, today i left my lights on in my car for the four or so hours i was in school, and couldn’t leave until an hour there after. mou.

Andy Serkis, if you don’t know who he is, you’re banned from this blog for now and forever, is in town tonight signing books and the like. I wish I was there standing in line just so i could say “HI, I’m a geek, can you sign this?” It would have been so much fun… 🙂 But that is because i’m a geek, and i love everything that has to do with LoTR.

But i’m not going to see Andy. I’m staying at home, and well… i should be studying, but i’ll do that on friday I think, my day off. 🙂 Cause i’m lazy, and what not. *yawns* I’m so tired, it’s not even funny. I just want to go to sleep, but a friend of mine is coming over and so… I’m trying to stay awake….

oH and lyric spew, right 1000 Words, Koda Kumi?

I know that you’re hiding things

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn’t say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You’ll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

“Save your tears cause I’ll come back”

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore

To hide the pain when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I’d cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart

But now I’m not afraid to say what’s in my heart

Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They’ll fly to you

Even though I can’t see I know they’re reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They’ll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words (a thousand words)

Have never been spoken (oh yeah)

They’ll fly to you

They’ll carry you home (carry you home) and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings (on silver wings)

And a thousand words (ohh)

Call out through the ages (call through the ages)

They’ll cradle you (oh yeah)

Turn all of the lonely years to only days (only days)

They’ll hold you forever

Ohh…

A thousand words

Derringer Meryl [Going to go change] Out

First day of full time college. Weird. Can i say that? Of course I can, I just felt like asking…. for no reason. I didn’t run into Monkey, which I find slightly a good thing. I didn’t need any help making this day stressful…. (I’m going to add in here that Monkey is a great guy… I just… It’s a me thing when it comes to stress… not him.)

Mom wants me to join the on campus Anime club, which i’m totally for, Ya know… cause it’s anime, and i’m with a bunch of people who are as geeky about Anime as me. (I’m the uber geek, otherwise known as an Otaku. I own a LoTR Barbie, I think I fall into the Otaku catagory. I take Standee’s home from work and dissect them. I want to get a subscription to Newtype Magazine. I’m taking psychology just for fun. I write fanfiction. I make collages. I own five seasons of Buffy and One of Angel. I own two complete anime series, and portions of several others. I convinced my mom to buy a magnetic poetry calander….. I have a toy collection that rivals my siblings’. I have a larger doll collection than most girls my age (I have one for every year i’ve been alive, and then some). I cosplay (Inu Yasha, Steve, and various other anime characters, oh, and Buffy)

Which makes me think of the time I cosplayed as Buffy. I was depressed…. uberly so. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because every guy who is interested in me… *sighs* doesn’t REALLY know me. Who knows. But– to make me feel better, Red dressed me up pretty (like Buffy) and did my hair (like Buffy’s, only in my shade of brownish red) I had a sleeveless turtleneck on, and skirt, which I love to this day even though it’s at Red’s house, which was horrifically short. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Red told me every five seconds that I looked pretty, I would have ran away, and put on long pants. But when we got there, my friends (guy friend specifically) helped me feel better too. They complimented me on my outfit, and while i still felt uneasy, all it took was a glimpse of my ex to solidify any sort of emotion i had. I became confident and happy. Anything to look like i didn’t need him. *nods*

I was giddy. I still am at the thought. that was positively the most empowering outfit ever. Marco and Staples liked the outfit too. which is good…. always good. *smiles at the memory* one of the best nights of my high school life.

Derringer Meryl [dressing for the occasion] Out

“Any romantic feelings that were there, aren’t anymore. But still i’m driven insane. What does she have that I don’t? Is it her attitude? Is it her hair? Her body? I admit freely she’s much trimmer than me…. God. What is it about brown hair that makes someone stare right through you? And I wonder still now if we ever had anything. If it was anything. I shouldn’t. I know it. It’s stupid TO wonder. because the past doesn’t matter anymore. Especially not to you. You’ve already moved on….. It’s her eyes. I’m sure. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just a whole… package. And God, could she be more of a stark contrast to me. Not like black and white, cause someone might insinuate that one is better than the other… no. That’s not it. it’s like…. comparing yellow to blue. Both equally good colors, but… sometimes people just favor yellow over blue. How could you not? and there are so many people yelling at me to budge. To move. To go on. I’m not stopped. I’m moving… and contemplating what i’ve passed. Nothing is as simple as a date. I’ve spent too much time being hurt over stupid things to let the sweet things in life slip so quickly away from me. And you were the only thing that made me feel right…. in the longest time. Still…. if i could go … back. I would. I’d change things– but– not the outcome. I don’t regret that….

I regret telling you.”

*Claps for herself* That’s just a taste of my free thought writing. Isn’t it great? I enjoy writing it. It’s rather fun. *coughs* Oh. Right. You’re realizing that i’m not supposed to be at home RIGHT now, right? Well. I’m not feeling well… and so… yeah. I’m …. just…here. 🙂 At home. Writing free thought prose.

And I have a lyric spew, now, for once I do it on a Sunday. 🙂

Rapid Hope Loss, Dashboard Confessional

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Thanks for waiting this long to show yourself,

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, to show yourself

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

Do what you want, if that’s what you wish.

I can’t see…

You’ve got a sense…

You’ll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

Derringer Meryl [Nothing is as it seems] Out