Undone

2004-01-18 – 11:24 p.m.

Yessir I mean it. I have 563 points of stress. Three hundred is the bar of “If you’re over this, you’re going to die very quickly, and i pity you.” type of thing.

That’s okay, i’m not scared of dying so much as i am afraid of living. I see death as a means to an end. Everyone pictures heaven as a place that’s all happy and bunnies and what not, but I don’t. That sorta got shattered. It’s still happy, but it’s not free of pain. I guess that’s what comes from being all sorts of Masochistic. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Me, about Monkey, and about an unnamed person. I don’t think i’m going to give him a name. I’d like to say he’s of no consequence, but honestly, I’ve learned you don’t know what it’s like until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes. As it goes for Monkey, i’ve walked about two feet, and i want out. All the rolls have flip flopped, and now i’m him, and the unnamed guy is me– and i have to use a line the ever so useful “I just want to be friends” line that I loathe so much. And i understand Monkey’s unease of using it. How much it scared him and how much he hated to use it because it sorta did hurt. I cried. I did. I can admit it now. He meant/means a lot to me. I associated the line with the subtexts of “I never want to see you again you annoying bitca.” I understand now that what i felt wasn’t a romantic type thing, i was (I sorta still am) just addicted to how i felt around him. There was no pressure. None. Not to be a good girl,or a bad girl, or to kiss him or to get the best grades, or to do all my homework before i went out. Monkey time was a stress free zone, and i craved that. I still do. I just deny myself the pleasure. (I honestly don’t deserve the freedom) I’m trying to be careful with how i say things…. about him, because it’s hard to be candidly honest and have what you’re saying come out in the way you mean it to.

It was like being everyone and no one at the same time. and i have to admit i’ve never felt so beautiful or ugly as i did at those times. Everything seemed so confusingly clear. But Monkey didn’t feel… he didn’t get the rush I did when I was with him. I honestly can’t speak for him, so I won’t, but in any case, he just wanted to be friends.

For a while i wasn’t okay with that. I was stupid and i was childish. (I still am occasionally) I pushed a lot of blame on him, and he took it, and now i hate myself for that. Because he’s the last person on the earth who deserves it. he’s not perfect, he’s not innocent, But dammit, he’s the nicest person i’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I couldn’t be more sorry for the things i’ve done if i tried. Most times i feel like a schmuck. I did stupid things. I still do them. a lot of the time.

and then after a period of healing — it wasn’t long enough apparently — i started to date again. I guess you could call it dating. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of a lot of things….. I found a great guy. The unnamed guy. He was sweet and affectionate. Kind, generous, loving. Everything I wanted,but never got. I guess there’s a gap between what i want and what I need…. I need another no-stress zone like Monkey gave me. I want the affection, but to live– i need no-pressure.

He’s everything you want

He’s everything you need

He’s everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone

To put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

But you’ll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It’s only what you’re asking for

And you’ll be just fine

With all of your time

It’s only what you’re waiting for

Isn’t insane. The perfect guy comes walking along, and there’s always something in the way. and it’s me. Doesn’t it figure? Makes sense to me. That it’d be my fault. I’d give you the run down of how low and dirty and wrong i am, but i’m tired. I’m twitching very early tonight, I think it’s from the stress– and i just want to collapse.

Derringer Meryl [two boyfriends in the last 12 months] Out