Undone

Isn’t it romantic?

I didn’t think so. I just got finished watching The Prom, a buffy episode, and I have to say I’m bitter-ish about the episode, for several reasons….

1- Joyce– I want you to know that Joyce happens to be one of the worst moms who ‘claims’ they care about their daughter. I mean where is her brain? “Oh I know, I’ll take the man my daughter loves, and butt into their relationship. Not only that, I won’t accept her decisions, and her choice of friends. That’s the way to endear her to me. Definately.”

2- Angel– Breaking up with Buffy the day before her prom. What a great idea. Wonderful, really. I mean you’re alive for 243 years and this is what you learn? NOTHING? I mean, hello! Worst time ever to break up with ANYONE! Crap. How stupid do you have to be? Oh, Right…. brooding poof stupid.

3- Award Ceremony– Like any high school full of your average teens (which they are, if you watch Earshot.) would even remotely think about anything but themselves. They gave her an award. And Yeah, Buffy deserved it, but see I still run on the whole Elementary school valentines day thing–

If you don’t have one for everyone– then don’t give any out. THP! Screw them all. Nothing is fairy tale happy. TV makes America not only deluded but jaded.

S-o-O-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-O-R-r-R-r-R-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Pshaw.

Derringer Meryl [Jaded, Oh So Jaded] Out

Honest. I didn’t mean to do it. It was all just some big huge, horrid mistake, that’s gone all out of control.

I’m my own worst enemy

Being the Femmenazi (pronounced by a friend of mine’s brother) I should hate all those girls who dress like whores, and make guys stand on end…. and I don’t mean on their tippy-toes either. I should hate all of it, the skimpy clothes and all that stuff.

But I am so beginning to embrace it. I”m the local ‘nurse’ at forum I attend. I’m not talking your school nurse that’s fifty bazillion years old. I’m talking “HELLOOOOOOO NURSE!” Type thing.

I hate people like that. I hate cartoons like that. I think I know why though. I hate them because I dont’ know how to be that way. I don’t know how to be the timid little *tee hee* size four and a half girl because i’ve never been that. I’ve always been the girl who wasn’t afraid to kick some self serving sexist pig of a boy’s shins with my boots.

I can tell you from experience– Guys don’t like that.

They like the *Tee hee* Size four girl. They’re scared of the other girls. They dont’ want to be around them. They’re too different for their little minds to comprehend. I dont’ want to think about fixing myself. I’ll do it later. I’ll do it after I’m done with being the tee-hee size not so four. That’s when I’ll fix it. When guys stop liking it– that’s when I’ll stop.

Yeah right. I think i’ll stop now. Because no matter how much I hate not being liked, I hate acting like I’m something that i’m not even more. I hate running around all giggly and happy when I’m not.

No, that doesn’t mean you can have my old wardrobe. I’m keeping it. You’d be amazed the horrid things you can do to pigs that say you’re not good for anything but lookin’ good and spurtin’ out babies–

With denim jeans and a long chain of beads. HAHAHA!

I know i’m wicked, but everything i learned about being so wicked I learned in — well… where did I learn this….

oh– right– from my anger and some self righteous jerk who thinks the only way you can play a video game is with wang.

HA! WORSHIP THE POWER OF NO WANG! HAHAHA!

I can play- I suck- But I CAN PLAY TOO!

Derringer Meryl [Reach out and embrace] Out

Oi, So I just finished watching Maid in Manhattan I have to admit, it wasn’t too bad, normal fluff, though Jlo sure is a bad dancer in it… Oi.

Anyway, the over abundance of Fluffy girl shows (otherwise known as chick flicks) i’ve been watching, sorta makes me …. not sad, nor depressed…. it makes me long for a life. I suppose the road not taken by Robert Frost applies here…. I bet you’re wondering why…. I chose, between two roads– I chose to live an academic life, instead of the social one… instead of the lively night life, i chose books, and teachers and filling my brain with gobidily gook. So much information is stuffed into my cranium I don’t know what to do. I could recite to you for hours on end about the Greek Gods and their importance…. I could tell you how to properly set a table for a dinner party, I could show you how to make your own party hats with tassels that would make everyone want to ring in the new year, with you. I know how to take apart controllers for any gaming system, clean them, and put them back together. I know how properly clean disks that have gotten smudges on them, I know what games are appropriate for what age range. I know what games suck, and which don’t….

I don’t know how to flirt

I don’t know how to ask someone out, with words, spoken ones.

I don’t know how to accurately communicate with my spoken words…. I get tongue tied… my extensive vocabulary is a waste in my head, since none of it can come out of my mouth, only through a pen, or in this case, keyboard.

I can HTML with the best of em, I run five websites, and I can give you advice unsolicited on ANYTHING.

I watch.

I watch life.

I watch people and what they do–

and I know why they do it. but I can never do it myself. Never. because I watch– and sometimes when I watch, I can pick it up, and do it myself. I can recite it back– but I get lost in the motions–

I get lost in the steps when I do it myself. I get lost in what i’m doing– and I become scary.

I get lost in the dance of life–

no one wants to teach me what to do.

Derringer Meryl [Teach me to dance right] Out

I would like to say…..

POO ON MAVAV!!! They know NOTHING!! NOTHING! BAH!

Yeah, So apparently my depression stems from the fact that I play games. Damn I wish they could have told me sooner so I could stop playing and frolic amidst the butterflies and never worry about a therapist.

Trust me on this one….

The Columbine Shooters may have learned to kill from first person shooters, MAYBE, but they didn’t get the incentive to do so from them…..

it was some smart-ass Jock who pushed them around everyday of their lives. Maybe if parents would take a step back for a sec they’d notice that their kids are total Jackasses, and get them some help, like some sort of ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. Okay?? For some reason high school kids think they have the RIGHT to tromp on people’s self esteem.

And that’s why I play video games. Because for one hour a day, if not longer, I can be a princess, where some guy thinks i’m cute.

Instead of calling me a hoe or a dog or something. Damn. I dont’ understand why someone would like to live in a fantasy world for hours on end.

Cause we all know this one is so pleasant to live in.

I’ll leave you with my words…. which are anger. If this world wasn’t so tainted by people who had egos that take up the room, then we’d all be able to live, happily.

Derringer Meryl [emotionally attacked] Out

Everyone has something they’re really good at, that no one else in the world is good at.

I’d like the delusional psychopaths that drilled this line of thinking into my head as a child, and still do, to come and meet me, the epitome of mediocrity.

I’m not even joking. I”m okay at everything. Is that my special talent? That I”m just okay at everything? I dont’ understand. Why they seem to think that If I try my hardest that i can suceed, and then I try my hardest, I do my very hardest at everything, I give it all I have, and all I ever get back is nothing. I get nothing back. You think I”m joking?? You should hear me try singing, acting, speaking, or writing. I’m okay, just okay, nothing spectacular, just okay.

Want to know why I keep trying? Because someone else drilled into my brain that if I kept trying, and practicing, that I”d get better. I’m a living testament that you don’t. You don’t get better, you don’t improve. Shove your talents where the sun doesn’t shine, because that’s what they are good for.

Not really. Some people are that good, that they should share their talents with all the world. BUt I got beyond the point of deluding myself about my great worth. I have no invaluable talents.

Except that I am the one and only me. That’s about it. That’s all Ic an do. That’s it. Don’t ask me to do any more than be me, because that’s all I can do. I can breathe like me, talk like me, and act like me, and disfunctionally speak like me. I’ll never be excellent, I’ll never be superb. I’ll just be Mediocre Meryl.

That’s all. I’ll never be a great friend, and that’s it. I’ll never remember your birthday, even if we are on speaking terms, because I can’t. I can only do a fifty-fifty job. Only OKay.

Don’t expect something great from me. Don’t expect me to reveal something deep to you when I write, because I”m not writing for you. I’m writing for me, and for all it’s worth, I think my mediocre writings are funny, and despite the fact that they’re just okay–

just fair.

I love them all the same. I’ll never be a Poe, or a Wadsworth, or Dickinson. Because I’m just Meryl.

So suck it up, and deal, because i’m at my peak of mediocrity.

Derringer Meryl [I am Okay] Out