Undone

I work in a predominantly male department, in a predominantly male field. pretty average I’d say. I work in a technological field, and I code shit all day. (pardon my french)

I work with a great team. THey are funny, they laugh at my jokes, I laugh at theirs, and I”m a pretty flippin’ easy going person. I don’t like to ruffle feathers which can cause problems for me in the long run. There is a balance of “Where is the line here” and people won’t know where the line is unless I say something.  Then again there is the problem of not wanting to be the ever loving whiney little sister that I see myself as. Because, despite being nearly 30 and having two kids and being married for the better part of a decade, I still see myself as the tattler who cries when her older brother says something mean to her. The sensitive soul, or some other BS like that. The squeaky wheel. I’ve fought against my “little sister” tendencies my entire life. I want to be unruffled, and cool. When really I”m silently seething trying to think of a clever quip to toss back at someone who has just said scathingly in my direction. I’m getting better at it, but I am not sure if it’s a talent I should really be honing into a fine skill at this point in my life. Teenager me is jealous that I can toss back verbal barbs the way I do. (Like when I told my boss he was full of crap today.)

Which sounds kind of risky, right? I am a fairly unskilled worker. I am smart. I work hard, I apply myself, but I am not …. certified or anything in anything. SO, yeah. Not a great Idea tell your boss he’s full of crap. On the other hand, my boss is really cool, and knew I was teasing. Like when he told me (and one of my co-workers) to “not worry our pretty little heads” about something.

So the little sister in me is seething. That is only ONE of the vaguely anti-feminist things that was thrown my way… since entering the workforce frankly. It’s not this boss, it’s not even because he’s a white middle aged man. Honestly, I know he thinks it’s funny, it’s like an ironic hipster funny, and if I was truly offended (and yes, you can truly offend me, by talking crap about my mom usually. That’s the one place you just don’t go, Moms are untouchable IMO) I would take it to HR. In a year I won’t care. In a week I won’t care. Because I know (in my heart) that my boss doesn’t mean it. He thinks that I (and my co-worker he said it to as well) are brilliant. He knows that the department wouldn’t function without us (or our Female boss too!)

I’ve had issues being a girl. I was a pretty hard core tomboy for a while. I didn’t want to do lace and dresses. I didn’t like having boobs for a long time (TMI? nah) I have had issues seeing myself as a person. Not because of any sort of gender identity issues (not that there is anything wrong with that.) but because why would I want to be a girl when I could be a boy, just like everyone else in my family? In a lot of ways, girls still get the short end of the stick. People think makin menstruation jokes, rape jokes, 1950’s get in the kitchen jokes, whatever, is cool. It’s not cool. Everything in my life all that I am, all that I will be, doesn’t boil down to me not having a penis. (though guys have it sweet with that peeing anywhere gig.) I’m not just an object in your house. A fixture. to be treated however you please. I am a person. I have thoughts, and feelings, emotions, opinions (that I pretty much always am loathe to express.) I like cats because they are easy going, I hate to clean, I suck at cooking (not for lack of my mom trying to help me learn) I like to quilt, I like watching TV (too much), I excelled at chemistry but sucked at math (all math) I love english. I want to write someday. Everything. I want to tell all of my stories that are stuck up in my head. I want my kids to be proud of who they are, and that doesn’t boil down to genitalia, chromosomes or what have you. You are so much more than that. I am married, to a freakin’ fantastic guy who sees me as his absolute equal. We complete each other. I am not better than him, he’s not better than me, we’re together. We’re standing together on the awards podium at the end.

So you might say that women aren’t as strong as men. And if you’re going to say a statement as broad and as undefined as that, some part of it is going to be true, but that doesn’t mean it’s universally true. Equally the opposite is true; men aren’t as strong as women. We aren’t meant to be the same people, gender notwithstanding. I am not meant to be the same as anyone else. I may be similar. We may look similar, have similar experiences, have hobbies in common, etc. Humans aren’t meant to be the same as each other in a broad scope. they’re meant to complete one another. To intertwine their capabilities to assist each other to propel each other to success.

I don’t care that I’m not the same as men, because I’m not the same as most women either. That’s ok with me. Honest to God, you don’t want me in the kitchen making you a pie, a sandwich, or any other treat, because it will be NASTY. I do walk around barefoot, but most of that time I’m NOT pregnant. I voice my opinion, because it has JUST as much weight as yours.

Don’t tell me I don’t deserve it, dont’ tell me to stay quiet. DO NOT TELL ME what I can and can’t do because I’m a woman. Don’t you even try. Because as soon as I hear it, the shit will have already hit the fan. You can’t unsay it, and I will spend the rest of my days proving you wrong. It’s already what I”m doing, I’ll just add you to the list.

Derringer Meryl [Anything you can do] Out

The Men’s List: Responded to in Defense of Women

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Yeah. I could say the same about you. I bet you’ve never fallen into a disgusting urine encrusted toilet at three in the morning. That’s what I thought.

2. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Have you ever considered that there is a world outside of your disgusting little den? Sports on Sunday are not the only thing that’s great. There are flowers and spring and happy things. I’m willing to let you watch Sports everyday, if you just spent a day with me once in a while.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Good. Neither is fly fishing, or walking from the bathroom to the couch when you watch your precious sports.

4. Crying is blackmail.

That’s right, it’s a defense. You’re being a jerk, I start to cry, that’s about it.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Why? Watching you squirm half the fun.

6. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Not if you want Sex…. Ever.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

I’ll remember that when you’re sick…. Except, you don’t have anyone to care for you, since you seem so concerned about not caring about me.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Yeah, and the problem is us, not talking. Open your mouth to communicate once in a while, and maybe it’d finally clear up.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Yeah, but It’s so much easier for me to do my job, than for you to do your job. THP.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Sometimes it’s nice to do things for others. If you think hard enough, you’ll remember your mother telling you that.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Whenever possible, turn off the damn TV.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

But he was headed to India. And honestly, America wasn’t named after him, was it? Not to mention he wasn’t the first discoverer of America.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Open your eyes and see once and a while, you might enjoy life a little more

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

Please…. If you have to do it, do it discreetly.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

We say “nothing” because when you ask, you don’t really care what the answer is. By pestering you show how much you love us.

18. If you ask a question you don’t want us to answer, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

It’s called a Rhetorical question. Look it up.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

No. it’s not. We like to look nice for you, you freaking moron.

20. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, or how to work on the truck.

Try thinking about something new once and a while.

21. You have enough clothes.

Maybe I buy new things so you would FINALLY compliment me.

22. You have too many shoes.

No, you have too few.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Ooookay. Mr. Technical. The house is clean too. That laundry… clean.

24. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that. It’s like camping.

Really? Then you won’t mind sleeping outside altogether. 😛

(I did this For Antigone. Some of them aren’t great. But oh well. I gotta go, my fantastic Husband and I are going to his friend’s house.)

Derringer Meryl [Still insanely happy] Out

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out

Honest. I didn’t mean to do it. It was all just some big huge, horrid mistake, that’s gone all out of control.

I’m my own worst enemy

Being the Femmenazi (pronounced by a friend of mine’s brother) I should hate all those girls who dress like whores, and make guys stand on end…. and I don’t mean on their tippy-toes either. I should hate all of it, the skimpy clothes and all that stuff.

But I am so beginning to embrace it. I”m the local ‘nurse’ at forum I attend. I’m not talking your school nurse that’s fifty bazillion years old. I’m talking “HELLOOOOOOO NURSE!” Type thing.

I hate people like that. I hate cartoons like that. I think I know why though. I hate them because I dont’ know how to be that way. I don’t know how to be the timid little *tee hee* size four and a half girl because i’ve never been that. I’ve always been the girl who wasn’t afraid to kick some self serving sexist pig of a boy’s shins with my boots.

I can tell you from experience– Guys don’t like that.

They like the *Tee hee* Size four girl. They’re scared of the other girls. They dont’ want to be around them. They’re too different for their little minds to comprehend. I dont’ want to think about fixing myself. I’ll do it later. I’ll do it after I’m done with being the tee-hee size not so four. That’s when I’ll fix it. When guys stop liking it– that’s when I’ll stop.

Yeah right. I think i’ll stop now. Because no matter how much I hate not being liked, I hate acting like I’m something that i’m not even more. I hate running around all giggly and happy when I’m not.

No, that doesn’t mean you can have my old wardrobe. I’m keeping it. You’d be amazed the horrid things you can do to pigs that say you’re not good for anything but lookin’ good and spurtin’ out babies–

With denim jeans and a long chain of beads. HAHAHA!

I know i’m wicked, but everything i learned about being so wicked I learned in — well… where did I learn this….

oh– right– from my anger and some self righteous jerk who thinks the only way you can play a video game is with wang.

HA! WORSHIP THE POWER OF NO WANG! HAHAHA!

I can play- I suck- But I CAN PLAY TOO!

Derringer Meryl [Reach out and embrace] Out