Undone

Have I professed my love for you lately? Oh, a post or two ago? Ok, then I won’t do it again. I’m really here to profess my love of upcycling t-shirts (i’m going to make an up cycled game t-shirt skirt!) and portal.

GOSH i love bein’ a girl!

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out

You are… YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME. Time heals all wounds… but you know better.

What Jewel song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love Quizzes. I got this one off of HPgirl’s Live Journal *smiles* I’m no good with quick names. She mentions everyone’s real names in her Journal, but I sincerely don’t think she’s ever mentioned me. That’s okay. You wouldnt’ know anyway, right?

I need to add a little banner for her on my little side bar there. *smirks*

I’m still here, all hurt and what not. I really hope my foot feels better by tomorrow. I have a stint at work, and while I’d enjoy feeding off their sympathy for me (honest, I’m an emotional vampire, and it feels nice.) i’d rather not. I prefer concern, as other things seem to not satisfy the craving as much. *smiles* I’m a bad girl for manipulating people so…. but how can you replace genuine concern for someone, it’s a rush, I tell you, A RUSH! *blinks* And I couldn’t sound more like a psycho, could i?

Maybe, but it’s not something i’m trying for, at least right now. Wudan didn’t come to get his son today, his wife did, so it was a little weird. I thought i was still asleep… (as I have been for most of today) Blah. I needed some information from him on a job for Marco. *Frowns* Poor Marco. *smiles Nicely* One of my bestest friends ever.

Oi, Now I remember what I was going to write about! FFX-2 the first Final Fantasy Sequel ever! oKay, I must tone down the exclamation points, but i’ve been playing the demo today, and the fact that you can make the characters dress up like Pop-Idols and sing to kill the monsters (well sorta, sing to cast spells, they can’t actually kill the monster… which is quite annoying…) is very very entertaining to me. I have to get used to the Active time Battle again (oi, it’s a bit of a pain, especially with gun slingers…) And I’m glad it’s got strong female characters as role models for little girls…. (and as Eye candy for grown up boys. I know how it is, I work in a fetching game store…. I am eye candy.) I just wish more people would realize that even Rayne (from Blood Rayne) could be a good role model for children. She doesn’t take none of that NAZI crap! She’ll suck your blood and use you as a shield, yo! *smirks* Okay, maybe not for really young girls, but for girls who are in their teens and are having problems with the Male Pigs out there in the world. (as I did) You’re not ANYONE’S stepping stone, baby-maker, or dinner cooker. You do what you want… if he wants food… he can get off his lazy butt and do it himself. Let him miss five minutes of his precious hockey game, or quality television like “Debbie Does Dallas”

Honestly. I’ve run into guys like this. I worked with guys like this, I serve guys at my store like this. It sickens me. I’d rather vomit on their shoes than sell them a game i know is serving as some sort of sick subsitute for a girlfriend. (And i mean the sickest kind of substitute…. some of those games do NOT come back looking pretty….) *shudders* I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. The programmers in Japan, are very lonely lonely men. LONELY

Derringer Meryl [Enemy Inside of Me!] Out

Hey —

Well I worked tonight. And I can say, that I truely love my job…. BUT

Tonight was the worst, I think ever.

I’m a little over emotional right now, I know that. But I’ve always hated being compared to my old boss (Alright, we’ll call her …. Tangent) She was really pretty. I admit it. All the guys were drawn to her. I feel like the ugly little sister. Like Now that she’s gone, that they need to replace her, so they don’t have to look at me.

I don’t know why they would want to look at me. I”m not the prettiest thing– but I didn’t think I was that bad. Really. I don’t think that I belong in magazines– Or anything like that– but I didn’t think– Maybe that’s it

I didn’t think.

Anyway. I’m off to drown my sorrows in — rice cakes. or something. I’ve had enough of it all. For the first time in a long time I thought about cutting myself up in the middle of my store. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the thought, or the idea, or anything. But I wanted to. Right then and there I wanted to cut myself up so they could see…. see what they were doing to me. They can’t see because I hold it all in until I come home, and I cry– and it hurts. But–

Someday they’ll know what their words did to me. I don’t know how, or why– but they’ll know that it hurt. That I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Tangent– but–

I was pretty enough for them.

Derringer Meryl [Down in the] Out

I would like to say…..

POO ON MAVAV!!! They know NOTHING!! NOTHING! BAH!

Yeah, So apparently my depression stems from the fact that I play games. Damn I wish they could have told me sooner so I could stop playing and frolic amidst the butterflies and never worry about a therapist.

Trust me on this one….

The Columbine Shooters may have learned to kill from first person shooters, MAYBE, but they didn’t get the incentive to do so from them…..

it was some smart-ass Jock who pushed them around everyday of their lives. Maybe if parents would take a step back for a sec they’d notice that their kids are total Jackasses, and get them some help, like some sort of ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. Okay?? For some reason high school kids think they have the RIGHT to tromp on people’s self esteem.

And that’s why I play video games. Because for one hour a day, if not longer, I can be a princess, where some guy thinks i’m cute.

Instead of calling me a hoe or a dog or something. Damn. I dont’ understand why someone would like to live in a fantasy world for hours on end.

Cause we all know this one is so pleasant to live in.

I’ll leave you with my words…. which are anger. If this world wasn’t so tainted by people who had egos that take up the room, then we’d all be able to live, happily.

Derringer Meryl [emotionally attacked] Out