Undone

Isn’t it fun? Being horrible to yourself. Driving yourself a little deeper into the floor, tasting dirt in your mouth–

knowing you don’t deserve any better. It’s just… interesting.

I went to Church today, and it seemed like every word stabbed a little deeper, telling me that I was going to hell. No one said it. Honestly, most of it was about redemption from sin, but I can’t believe how it only made me feel worse.

And i was thinking, how i regard myself as broken. Not quite right– a little off kilter– basically just– *sighs* Broken. and — how I could fix it if I just let God take me and guide me…

I guess i’m so used to being broken, being any other way doesn’t seem quite right.

Maybe i’m sinking into another bout of depression, as i’m bound to… and it would make sense, since i have no control over my life, or anything in it…. Not what I do, or what I wear, or who I talk to. What I say. And I can’t say what is inhibiting me. My dad, my religion, myself. I think it’s mostly the last one, that i’m too scared to do something against what everyone expects. I’m too scared to say that i don’t want to go to college, and that I don’t want to wear these clothes that are pretty, and that I want to go hang out with Gert, on a Sunday– Of all days. And i’m at war with myself, because I don’t know if I do really want these things because I want them, or because I can’t have them– because someone told me no.

There was no choice. There was a decision, but there was no choice. It was like a judgment, that was made for me. I want to follow the precepts of the gospel– I want to be faithful daughter of God…. I don’t want to do it by my father’s rules. And it feels like I’m a dainty flower in the Arizona sun– and i’m not sure if i’m going to survive living here. Not sure if i’m going to be okay–

I just know i need out. I need to be out. And i don’t know if it makes sense, but — I’d like to do something wrong, so i can start doing things right…. for myself. I can’t do that here. I can’t do that with my father looking on.

*sighs*

Good, Better Than Ezra

Looking around the house.

Hidden behind the window and the door.

Searching for signs of life but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’m just too sure.

Maybe I’m just too frightened

By the sound of it.

Pieces of note fall down, but the letter said,

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Sitting around the house,

Watching the sun trace shadows on the floor.

Searching for signs of life, but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’ll call

Or write you a letter.

Now, maybe we’ll see on the Fourth of July.

But I’m not too sure, and I’m not too proud.

Well, I’m not too sure and I’m not too proud to say.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

{spoken:}

Yeah, you were so good. yeah you were so good, yeah that’s right…

Derringer Meryl [Pondering] Out

Broken things.

I’m broken, and therefore, enjoy breaking things too. *sighs* And apparently have encouraged other things to break. I’m not right

I’m not good. I’m not anything of worth. And NO, i’m not baiting for everyone to tell me i”m all peaches and fuzz. Because I”m not. I’m not a pretty thing. I’m broken, and wrong. There is not a good clean thing about me but my faith, that I more than likely don’t deserve to have. I hurt people. I hurt things. I break them until they can’t be broken anymore– and people over look it, because they can’t see. Can’t see how much i’ve made things wrong.

And I can’t see it all either, I just know i did it. I helped it. I broke it. I put the crack in the dish that led to it’s shattering. I may not have done all of it, but I certainly allowed for a wedge to take place.

I’ve forgotten all the good things, and I’ve become selfish– and whore-like. I’m broken, I’m burnt, and I’m dying from shame, and I apparently want everyone to die with me.

Every good thing i touch becomes tainted and dirty. All happy things frown, and living things wither under my gaze.

I cannot be happy, for I am the essence of sad and death.

Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life

He was warm he came around like he was dignified

He showed me what t was to cry

Well you couldn’t be that man I adored

You don’t seem to know – or seem to care what your heart s for

I don’t know him anymore

There’s nothing where he used to lie

My conversation has run dry

That’s what’s goin’ on

Nothing’s fine

I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel

I’m cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You’re a little late

I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right

I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light

But you `crawled beneath my veins and now I don’t care, I have

No luck

I don’t miss it all that much

There’s just so many things

That I can’t touch

I’m torn

There’s nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That’s what’s goin’ on

Nothing’s right I’m torn…

Derringer Meryl [No Going Back] Out

Oi, fourth time is the charm? Here I am, Beginning of the week, right? Hallelujah. 🙂

I’ve been wondering. How I can be all socially impaired and what not, and hate going out into public, but love social things….

I’m sure i’ve made you VERY Confused….. I have this urge… to throw a party. Except– It’d be really lame to throw a party at my house cause …. well…. i live with my parents… and i’m sorry, that just screams lame party with the parents and the siblings. I mean– my parents buggered off nicely for Wudan’s parties, but I’m thinking they wouldn’t do that so nicely for me. Especially since Wudan screwed a lot of things over for me. It was never directly said by my parents, but I felt like i was on a leash when i went out places, I and I blame him. Cause God knows I’m out late, so I must be having sex with someone that is sure to impregnate me. Not like I can learn from the faults of my older siblings or anything. Nope. I’m going to go out and get drunk, and I’m gonna get pregnant, heck — why don’t i go all the way and become atheist.

Yeah– Right. Because I, like my older sibling, enjoy causing stress on my parents. Yes, It happens to be my favorite activity.

*rolls her eyes* I know I can’t make everyone happy. But I can make two people happy. And making them happy makes me happy. Sometimes one of them doesn’t know what is good for me. Sometimes *coughs* he gets confused, and thinks that what I want is what he wants– and taht I should automatically obey if he doesn’t like someone, then I shouldn’t talk to them anymore. I guess i”m a severe disappointment in that sense. I may not want all the things he wants in terms of an ideal mate for me. Anyway. People think I’m some kind of freak for not being the rebellious teen that everyone is. *waves her hands in the air* Whoopdidoo! Lets see, my oldest brother, he was quiet, and almost didnt’ go on a mission, waited a long time. Then the specialist, he wore his clothes inside out and listened to loud “bad” music (NIN and the Offspring. Death, right?) Dax was a little goth, and really scary, and Wudan. *sighs* Wudan…. stopped going to church. I have to admit, he’s the worst/best when it comes to rebelling against my parents. Sure, the specialist and his wife are having issues now, but I think that’s a “I’m just married recently” thing. I’d like to think so. The death of oppressive parenting…

And me… Well. *blinks*

I joined the debate team. My mom didn’t want me to, because of Wudan (he was on the Debate team…. and thus the rebellion was attributed to it) it was strictly forboden (forbidden) and so– yeah. i did that. I stayed out too late with Red, once or twice. *mutters* and hung out with Monkey that one time– *Coughs* Never mind. Heh.

Moving on.

I guess i’m just on the outside again. I don’t think i’m really– bad. I’ve spent so much of my time being good. I guess that’s not a bad thing to be good, which is the stupid statement of the century– but it makes me feel dull.

I’m dull. I’m duller than dull. If I was a color– i’d be like a pastel yellow. Not even yellow. I’d be a pastel white. I’m that dull. *sighs*

Okay, done with the self pity, on to the Lyric Spew…. Hey Mickey, B-Witched (Other Artists as well)

Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey

(repeat x5)

Hey Mickey

You’ve been around all night, and that’s a little long

You think you’ve got the right, and I think you got it wrong

But can’t you say goodnite, so you can take me home, Mickey

Cuz when you say you will, it only means you won’t

You’re giving me the chills baby, please baby don’t

And every night you still leave me all alone, Mickey

Oh Mickey what a pity you don’t understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Mickey you’re so pretty can’t you understand

It’s guys like you Mickey, oh what you do, Mickey, do Mickey

don’t break my heart Mickey

Hey Mickey

Now when you take me by the, “Who’s ever gonna know”

Every time you move, I let a little more show

It’s something we can use, so don’t say no, Mickey

So come on and give it to me anyway you can

Anyway you wanna do it, I’ll take it like a man

Oh please baby please, don’t leave me in the den, Mickey

Oh Mickey what a pity you don’t understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Mickey you’re so pretty can’t you understand

It’s guys like you Mickey, oh what you do, Mickey, do Mickey

don’t break my heart Mickey

Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey

Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey

Oh Mickey what a pity you don’t understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Mickey you’re so pretty can’t you understand

It’s guys like you Mickey, oh what you do, Mickey, do Mickey

don’t break my heart Mickey

Derringer Meryl [Hey Inu!!] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out

Oooo, Beginnings! I’ve got my homework done. Huzzah. I’m done feeling all oooy gooey about last night. *tosses it out the window* however i’ve come to the decision that my dad won’t CHOOSE who I marry, and for that matter neither will Wudan, or the Specialist. *leers* I don’t know if the Specialist was joking about giving monkey the rusty saw treatment, but in any case, Monkey is one of my few friends, and i’m not about to let one of my stupid siblings ruin that for me. *rolls her eyes*

I think it’s part of the human condition to feel the need to protect your loved ones from people you feel have the capability to hurt them. 🙂 It’s a nice thought guys, but shove off, you didn’t protect me from anything when i needed you to, and now, your “I’m your older brother and i need to protect you from all the bad guys in the world” act is not only bothersome, it’s over done. You care, you’ll back me up in my defiance from what some people in the house have done. Cause when it comes down to it, I’m not Wudan. I don’t plan on being LIKE Wudan. I don’t plan on being the Specialist, or Daxero, or anyone else but me. I know the rules, I know where to go, what to do, and what MY goals are. So, basically…. be supportive. I was of you. I had all the faith in the world in The Specialist and his wife. I defended their right not to go to church, if they so chose. I blatantly told my father that i did not want to discuss their worthiness to go to the temple. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t. It’s not my issue, It’s not something I Need to know. As for Wudan and His wife, well, I’m one of their greatest allies, because honestly, we aren’t winning any points by shoving religion into their gullet. *shrugs* I’m really into this whole AGENCY Thing i heard about at church. I live the way i want to. I get my blessings, and my short comings, and stuff happens. Same with everyone else. Some people aren’t ready for church or religion, and some are.

Some are just being rebellious brats. IN any case, it’s everyone’s own choice to do what they want. And so they do….

*smiles* And I do what I want to– except, it seems like even my own siblings are beating me back down. I mean, the old standard of “I’m older so I can do this, and you’re younger so you can’t.” doesn’t hold up so much anymore. Ya know? I deserve to date who I want. Wudan got to. Why not me? heck, and mine are even members of the church, they just aren’t active. I guess it’s because i’m a girl, right?

Anyway, it’s time for the lyric spew– because I want to… 🙂

In the inspired Karaoke-ness of today (Gert is having a Karaoke Party … no i wasn’t invited, but i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.) we get a song, that would be great for Karaoke!

Falls apart Sugar Ray

She falls apart by herself

No ones there to talk or understand

Feels sustained, dries here eyes

Finds herself, opens the door inside

People see right through you

Everyone who knew you well

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

Hold, hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

You walk along by yourself

There’s no sound, nothing is changing

Been gone away, left you there

Emptiness is nothing you can’t share

All those words that hurt you

More than you would let it show

Comes apart, by yourself

All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Sometimes we’ll feel around and this dance instead can’t be down

All the sound of me on my own

Any sound of me again it’s time away surround around a friend

I know where I know where no where to runaway

She falls apart, no one there

Hold her hand, it seems to disappear

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Runaway Runaway

Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away

But your leaving today, but your leaving today

Derringer Meryl [She Falls apart] Out