Undone

I am currently experiencing a unique crisis.

I feel that popular culture is an excellent mirror inwards to yourself, or can be if done well. In particular the things you’ve left unaccomplished.

You see: When I was a teenager I wanted to become an actress. I think a lot of kids did, it’s the in thing to do. As an adult I can see that my extreme social anxiety and lack of motivation to try harder would have been great stumbling blocks. Also, I’m a rubbish actress. I could have gotten better, but my parents wanted something else for me, and well… Who doesn’t want to please their parents?  Probably quite a few teenagers. I am the real world equivalent of “failure to launch” and I feel as though I am the latest of bloomers (which sounds odd). I am married, I have two wonderful kids

But, I don’t love me.

I have been feeling a discontentment rising within myself lately. I have this continuous loop of disapproval running through my head. That I’m broken, I’m weird, I’m a freak, that I should be ashamed. I’m not sure where all the negativity comes from. My parents were good parents, they love(d, now and then) me. I am the apple of their eye, and as my dad always says, his favorite daughter. Which is really easy when I”m the only one.

I have big dreams. I keep them locked and hidden away. I want to travel, I want to make something great, I want to be great, I want people to know who I am and I just want to stand out from the crowd a little. I don’t want to be the imaginary friend anymore. Which is what I call myself at work because despite being a trainer, and the first person that everyone in my department goes through to get hired, I am easily forgotten. I am desperately lonely.

I have been watching Doctor Who lately. It inspires me to think about my goals. How awesome would it be to write for TV? How awesome would it be to have someone read what I write, Period. Having someone read what I write and like it, it’s the ultimate high, for me anyway, the mormon girl who gets sick from taking too many tylenol.
(Sukie I promised less sadsack I know, but I can’t help how I’m feeling)

A friend of mine has a friend who used to write for Doctor Who. Which is amazing. I lack the confidence to even try writing much of anything. And as sad as it is, I admire Stephenie Meyer still because even though her writing isn’t like War and Peace or anything, I admire her for carving out time in her life for herself to accomplish something. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I think If I could find out why I hate myself so much it’d be the key to everything.

I’m the person who restarts her tetris game if one piece is out of place, I trash it and start over. It’s not perfect, and so it’s useless. Maybe that’s it. I’m not perfect, so I’m useless. What a horrible train of thought. Maybe I have a hard time remembering that God Loves me still or something. Or maybe it doesn’t matter who else in the flippin’ Universe does, because If I can’t find something awesome to love about me, it doesn’t really matter who else does.

Another friend of mine recently visited. She lives in Washington, which I still find more glamorous than my life. We were going to meet up. I thought about it a lot. and I just felt like “My house isn’t clean, and I’m up like 70+lbs since she saw me last, I think I’d rather die.” which once again, isn’t a great way to think. How much of my life am I going to let pass me by because I’m not perfect? Why am I so afraid to fail. Who is going to be mad at me? I will I suppose and that’s bad enough.

When I was in high school, I had a really great friend who asked me what I was doing after high school, and I said that I’d probably get married (I had no prospects of such in sight, despite having a VERY non-serious dating relationship with a guy.) and she was disappointing me in me for not wanting more for myself.  Maybe that’s just it. I’ll live a half life. A life full of mistakes and disappointments, for not taking what I could get. I had a teacher in college who thought all of my stuff should be prose, but I’m crap at prose (was and still am) I’m better at vignette’s for the imagery. Why can’t i ask myself to do more, go outside of the box, and dig deep and give MORE.

I’m a compare-r. I compare a lot. To the people around me, the people my age. What have I done with my life?
Maybe I’m thinking about it too hard. Maybe not hard enough. I just want people to remember me.

Derringer Meryl [Help] Out

I have been more burned out than I am now, FOR SURE, but I am kind of sick of everything.
Maybe If I were more mature things would be in line better. Maybe If I were more disciplined. I’m SO exhausted. I feel like every day is all running. wake up, run wake katie up, fight her to get dressed, go to work, fight to stay focused and get lots done, then fight home in traffic, fight to get the house clean, fight to get something done, fight the urge to roll into bed until the next day, fight the kids on getting in the bath, then fight them to get out, fight with them on how many stories they get, yes it’s time for bed, yes brush your teeth, yes jammies on, no you don’t get 3 stories, you get one for how much you’ve argued. Go to bed, stop kicking your sister. Once they SEEM to be to sleep I take time for myself while running laundry through.

Send the kids back to bed, then go to bed myself (like at 12-1 in the morning) and start all over.

Oh and don’t forget the calls during the day of “Did you get Katie to school? are you going to pick her up?” call and confirm the dentist, call and schedule the doctor.

Remind, remember, remind, remember. I feel like I have a shit-ton (excusez-moi for my french) that I’m doing, all the time. Every day at work is crunch, and HEY why don’t I heap more responsibilities onto what you do, but we won’t be giving you a raise for your increased responsibilities.

I do like doing what I’m doing, I just don’t feel like I’m fairly compensated for the time I’m levying into them. I wish I could find those FREAKING books. They’re like $2 books in quality, but I’m sure if we have to pay to replace them, they’ll be $30 each … GOSH.

I was talking with my boss the other day and I said I’d love to have copies of myself. One to be at work, one to be at home, and one to goof off (and we’d cycle through which of us got to do what each day), so we could all be balanced. I just… feel like I could use an extra set of hands. Someone to do the laundry while I’m trying to get the kids in bed. One person set on permanent “SEARCH FOR LOST STUFF” mode I guess. *sigh*
Somedays I feel like I’m the only person who cares. i’m one person running the lives of four. I’m exhausted.

Derringer Meryl [D-O-N-E] Out

That you wish were true.

The one that I”m holding onto is “If I don’t do it, it will still get done”

I think that one line may just give me a mental break down. It’s the one lie I like to hide behind. It’s NOT true. It becomes more glaringly apparent that it’s not true. Every day. When I’m buried in things.

 
They will get done. Even if I don’t do it.

Derringer Meryl [ Just about bursting] Out

Dear God what will happen! The world is coming to an end. I have ….

AN OPINION.

Its not unusual for people to have opinions. Just me. Quite frankly I think this kind of bullsh*t has gone far enough. You might think “Oh all the people who are using Obamacare are just mooching off of me” What a self righteous way of looking at it. Chances are you’re swilling shitty food just like the rest of the country (Yes I’m looking at you people who eat take out every day and then bitch about how other people are so fat). LOTS of people are taking advantage of this. MYSELF INCLUDED. Why? Because why shouldn’t I go to get my breasts examined for Breast cancer, get a pap smear done, have them check all my routine stuff, FOR FREE? now I realize it’s not really free, I’m paying for it with my taxes. And if you’re dumb enough to not TAKE ADVANTAGE of the things available to you then it’s your own fault for being a stuck up ass hole.
Did you know that if you have type one diabetes (NOT the kind you get from eating too many twinkies and staying stationary) that you USED TO not be able to be covered by insurance if your insurance dropped off? If Scott (my wonderful hard working husband) got fired somewhere, and couldn’t find a new job in one year’s time, then he’d be SOL for PRETTY MUCH the rest of his life. Most average people can BUY health care. Just Buy it. Call a health insurance company and get it. Do you know who they won’t cover? those people who are TERMINALLY ILL. Do you think that’s fair?

What I find EXTRA offensive about these people who are down on Obama Care is 1) They usually claim to be Christian (more on that in a moment) and 2) they BITCH about the money. A lot. Shut the front door Republicans. I’m not saying all republicans are rich, but I think we can all agree that all POLITICIANS are rich (at least the big wigs) and they can stop complaining about losing their money. They’re just out for number #1. Their pocket book.

And about them being Christian. WHAT THE HUG MAN! Matthew 25:32-40

32 And before him shall be gathered all ^anations: and he shall ^bseparate them one from another, as a ^cshepherd divideth his ^dsheep from the goats:

33 And he shall set the sheep on his ^aright hand, but the goats on the left.

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his ^aright hand, Come, ye ^bblessed of my Father, ^cinherit the ^dkingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 For I was an ^ahungred, and ye ^bgave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a ^cstranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye ^avisited me: I was in ^bprison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 Or when saw we thee ^asick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have ^adone it unto one of the ^bleast of these my ^cbrethren, ye have done it unto me.

Some people might think you don’t need to give everything up for God. And those people are wrong. What do you think Monks are about? Any religion or culture, they’re giving it up, FOR GOD. They give everything to him. Not everyone can live that way, and I think that’s just fine, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do what you can. That means loving your neighbor (the republicans and democrats and EVERY-FLIPPIN-ONE) that means giving up your excess (and trust me you probably have MORE excess than you realize) to help those in need, That means taking care of the sick and the hungry.

I don’t understand how you can claim to be religious, and be a politician. It’s an oxymoron. You can love God, and love  your country. Or say, maybe you don’t believe in God. Lots of people now days don’t, and that is JUST FLIPPING fine by me. right? Do what you want. Just don’t shit on other people. What may not be important for you, may be important to someone else. Obamacare is important to me. It’s not just about Obama. It’s not about some Bi-partisan bull crap. it’s about working together to build a better tomorrow. I want a nation where people will take care of one another. Where I am not thinking about JUST what is best for me, that I am trying to think of what may be best for EVERYONE, and try to take alternative perspectives into view to understand why people may be upset or on their side. You can still believe what you do… just try to look outside of your box for what someone else might think about things. Whether you think it’s reasonable or not.

Derringer Meryl [Political Crap.] Out

Sometimes comes up and kicks my booty. I’m going to try and keep this real without getting sad-sacky.

it’s pretty exhausting through. Fighting through the depression. I don’t think it’s wrong on occasion to give in. and just lay around the house and do nothing. As long as I don’t wallow. I don’t have much time to wallow. So usually it’s two days of  “Don’t even ask me to be socially appropriate/touch anything/get dressed” and then I have to pull myself together and go back to work. I think people without depression get this too. Just a weekend to veg. to me, it’s vitally important so I don’t unravel and become BAT SHIT CRAZY.  Which happens sometimes. You know. Craziness.

I try to not flip out.  I’m pretty good now days. I just need time alone.

I do want to start on my quilt. I am consistantly thinking “Maybe today” and then get too tired. But maybe today is the day.

Here’s hoping.

Derringer Meryl [You can’t get me down] out