Undone

whooo!

For a while now, i haven’t been feeling the best ever. at first it was just this insane pain in my ear. (Not exactly an ear ache, more like an ear stabbing, IMO) That got really bad, then eased off. I was SO happy it went away.

Unfortunately it’s been replaced by my new friend, Vertigo. Sucktastic. At first it was just feeling like I was going to fall over occasionally. That’s okay, I feel like that a lot of the time. It’s progressively gotten worse. I fell into our door (Scott and I’s) yesterday (Luckily it was closed and I didn’t fall onto the stairs. I stood up off the couch yesterday too, and fell back down. Same when I woke up this morning… several times I couldn’t get up and stay standing. I was sitting at Church and the room span whenever i moved my head. Still does, as i’m writing this, SCott is talking to me, and I can’t hear him for anything… and the room causes my head to swim at every turn.

Whee.

If anyone (I’m looking at Antigone, who knows tons about the human body and it’s ins and outs.) knows what the crap is going on with my body– let me know. I’m starting to get angry with it.

Derringer Meryl [You taunt me with the feelings] out

Clap and say huzzah for me, I got an interview this wednesday! I guess our family is just on a roll between me and Dax. Maybe this means good luck for the Specialist and Mom!

Derringer meryl [lovin this] out

Woah, that last post was a downer. Sorry. I think being in the basement has gotten me down. That and the blasted patch I have attatched to my body to prevent babies apparently has been known to cause depression too. Fun, eh? I like the smart people who call themselves doctors. I love it more when they F*&% me over like they do. Oh like the one time they put me on adderal, and it felt like the united states of America was living in my head. All of them screaming and crying and unloading their worst fears. Tens of thousands of tiny babies crying. I hated that pill SO F*&^$#@ bad. They didn’t even realize that it was making me crazy. Isnt’ that great?

Next week Scott is taking me swimming. I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but he says I can get a new swimsuit. (Wahoo!) And I’ve been looking around. I like this new board shorts trend that’s been happening lately with girls swim wear. (I”m a google nightmare, I can tell you that right now) I like how long they are, and I like my shoulders and back so I’m going to wear a tankini, with long board shorts, and a halter top. Awesome eh?

I’m sure it’s some sort of fashion faux pau (Sp?) for me to be wearing it, but honestly, until now, I haven’t ever worn a swim suit I”m comfortable with, and Dang it, I”m gonna find one, if i have to mix and match my way to heaven.

So, If you know of any good stores, let me know. I know Shopko is having a 50% swimwear sale this week (wahoo!) but the shorts are harder to find, i think I’m going to have to go to the buckle. I love the buckle (It’s a secret addiction) it’s a store made mostly for people Antigone and Sukie’s sizes, but I can try, right?

Derringer Meryl [Swimsuit Mania] Out

Confessional

Lately I feel like when I post (when I actually do) I’m not completely honest. So here I go.

Being married is hard. Not between me and Scott, we’re still wonderful. Knowing what i’m supposed to do, being stuck in a basement for eight or more hours pretty much by myself. Writing over 170 thank you notes to people i’m not even sure Scott and I invited to our wedding. Keeping the basement clean, doing everything that i’m supposed to do, like i’ve been told. Doing what i was told is insane. I feel like my mental capicity to do anything but smile and make the bed is slipping away some times. (and none of this is Scott’s fault, my mom says it just happens when you get married) I don’t do anything but work and stay in the house. I admit to breaking down more than once this past week in tears. I can’t understand why it works this way, I should be undescribably happy. I can’t understand why now all my sadness is eating away at me. I should get out more. To do what? IT feels like so much needs to be done and I just dont’ feel capable of doing any of it. Incompentant. Each day I become more and more lethargic. I accomplish things, things get done, and i swear to you at this moment, anything that gets done is simply by the grace of God. It feels like my ADD has heightened…. I can’t sit through a movie. It doesn’t hold my attention. I don’t feel like watching Buffy. (and again I scream BUFFY) with some of the most tender Spike-a-licious moments…. I feel bad watching it. I want to wait and watch it with Scott, and we never have time to do anything…. or more like it, the only time i feel like doing anything is when Scott is around, and thus… *sighs* nothing gets done.

I didn’t even make it all the way through Roman Holiday. And i love Audrey Hepburn. I think she’s positively the most beautiful girl in the world. She’s stunning. I love Gregory Peck too, he’s just so… It sounds funny, but from a time I miss. (I wasn’t even alive, but I miss it) Everything seemed so simple back then. Brain-numbingly simple. I wish life was like that. Like pearls and a house dress while you vaccum. I could live with that.

I guess I should look for Jobs while i’m on the computer…

Derringer Meryl [unbalance and confused] Out

Quick!!

Don’t read anything into this. I was just bored (as usual) the other day, and was surfing the net, looking for odd Hello Kitty Items (you hear a lot about them, but i’m starting to think they’re just urban legends) ya know like Hello Kitty Douches and the like.

Anyway. I was searching for Hello Kitty things, and I found this and honestly, I began to think (Not about having kids now, just in the when it happens)

My kids will be tortured.

I’m sure I’ll have a little boy first. I just have this feeling about it. I have a feeling we’ll (Scott and I) be cursed like my mom was, and have mostly boys. (Can hear the cries of anger) Not that she doesn’t love you, and not that I won’t love my prospective children, but Scott and I both really want girls. (Huzzah!!) Because over all little girls tend to be more obedient than little Boys….. and we like that idea. Anyway. I’ll torture the boys by submitting them to my hello kitty love. I’m serious. I’m freaking ninteen years old and married, and the quickest way to make me happy is say “I got you something Hello Kitty!” Because honestly, It makes people smile. Anyway. I found Hello Kitty sheets too, for a crib.

Yes, they will be tormented….. bwahahaha!

Oooh, and Scott and i could have Hello Kitty Sheets too! Niiiiice.

Just kidding. heh.

I have a theory. I think it’s pretty true…. Women who don’t work, have kids because they’re bored, and need something to do. (Taking care of a kid is a full time job!!!) Whereas working women have something to do (a job outside of the home) and aren’t as bored, and thus don’t feel the need for children as much.

Maybe this is a good time to mention I’m looking for a second job!!! I want to keep the one i have at Gamestop, the guys here are great, and I love working there. I have this phobia (I don’t know how The Specialist and Wudan overcame it) of working a real job. Ya know, nine to fivers that are tough and require you to be smart and stuff. I can seriously BS my way through the day at my work– because it’s only a few hours. You all know i think The Specialist is the (second now) most brilliant person in the world. (Scott being the first) I don’t know how they get real jobs (I have no skills. I have them, but they are not so polished… I just don’t feel like i’m worth more than the other people who may be applying.)

I don’t know how to explain it. I want another high school job, so Scott and I can afford things (Like an apartment, and food. We can have one, just not both at this point.) I need a job. I need to grow up… and i feel like a dork for wanting two jobs that are unimpressive, instead of one good one.

Derringer Meryl [Geekazoid] Out