Undone

Confessional

Lately I feel like when I post (when I actually do) I’m not completely honest. So here I go.

Being married is hard. Not between me and Scott, we’re still wonderful. Knowing what i’m supposed to do, being stuck in a basement for eight or more hours pretty much by myself. Writing over 170 thank you notes to people i’m not even sure Scott and I invited to our wedding. Keeping the basement clean, doing everything that i’m supposed to do, like i’ve been told. Doing what i was told is insane. I feel like my mental capicity to do anything but smile and make the bed is slipping away some times. (and none of this is Scott’s fault, my mom says it just happens when you get married) I don’t do anything but work and stay in the house. I admit to breaking down more than once this past week in tears. I can’t understand why it works this way, I should be undescribably happy. I can’t understand why now all my sadness is eating away at me. I should get out more. To do what? IT feels like so much needs to be done and I just dont’ feel capable of doing any of it. Incompentant. Each day I become more and more lethargic. I accomplish things, things get done, and i swear to you at this moment, anything that gets done is simply by the grace of God. It feels like my ADD has heightened…. I can’t sit through a movie. It doesn’t hold my attention. I don’t feel like watching Buffy. (and again I scream BUFFY) with some of the most tender Spike-a-licious moments…. I feel bad watching it. I want to wait and watch it with Scott, and we never have time to do anything…. or more like it, the only time i feel like doing anything is when Scott is around, and thus… *sighs* nothing gets done.

I didn’t even make it all the way through Roman Holiday. And i love Audrey Hepburn. I think she’s positively the most beautiful girl in the world. She’s stunning. I love Gregory Peck too, he’s just so… It sounds funny, but from a time I miss. (I wasn’t even alive, but I miss it) Everything seemed so simple back then. Brain-numbingly simple. I wish life was like that. Like pearls and a house dress while you vaccum. I could live with that.

I guess I should look for Jobs while i’m on the computer…

Derringer Meryl [unbalance and confused] Out