Undone

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out

these are a few of my favorite things…..

Not anything warm and fuzzy, like Julie Andrews would say…. My favorite things are Fanfictions, friends, friends who review, reviews… Okay, my brain extends beyond that. I’m excited about my psychology class, and i wonder if i’m going to write papers for it. It makes me kind of excited *nods enthusiastically* I’m possibly the only person in the world who you’ll find being excited about writing psychology papers.

Of course, you’d be excited too if you had me analyze what type of automobile says about your life, almost any aspect of it. i’m so odd and obsessed with the stupidest things…..

Like the male mind. Being a girl myself, one cannot help but ponder what goes on inside their brain. I mean, I know how my brain works, slightly…. and i know that all brains are not the same…. and all that rubbish i’m always promoting…. but i want to know…. why guys do what they do. Girls are attracted to color and emotion…. boys… god I don’t know what attracts them other than breasts. Honest. I’m not trying to be gross, just honest.

that’s an annoyance to me. I’ve said it before, i find it slightly flattering when a guy checks me out, i mean the once over, and it’s appreciated. I do not enjoy leers towards my chest. I mean, it’s fleshy stuff, just like your legs, or your stomach. *shrugs* I really don’t see what the big deal is. What i absolutely loathe though is having them talked to. I mean having a guy (as i haven’t run into many girls around here who have done it to me….) talking to me, but looking at my boobs. The animeboi here (i like to call him Miroku in private circles) does it, Monkey does it, though i have a feeling it’s just because … they’re there. Ihaven’t caught the Mouth or Gert doing it to me, but i’ve noticed some guys are more tricky about it. Like they notice if you’re noticing, and they keep it short…. which i don’t mind. If i don’t catch you, then it’s okay… My personal opinion.

I’m sure most of my readers (who are family…. Specialist and Dax) are blushing their brains out. I’ll move on.

I’ve increased my AMV collection by a few more videos. It gives me a thrill to watch them, and i have to admit,one of my favorite things.

Julie also includes things she doesn’t like, and i’m telling you what i don’t like. Being mistaken for a thirty-year old woman with kids Yeah. I have no kids. Hell, I’m not thirty. I’m eighteen. EIGHTEEN. Nothing great. I’m a few years away from any of that stuff people think of when they see me. I’m not delicate, or lanky, or wan, or twiggy. I look like i’ve pushed out a kid or two (isn’t that sad?) It’s just the way i look. *grumbles* yeah, I look like i should go anorexic for a little while… somehow i don’t…. mostly because i know it wouldn’t help anything… besides the fact it’s completely unhealthy… i know i’ve gained weight since i stopped my medication.

damn medication. I’m allowed to say that… i’ve decided. It ruined my high school experience, it’s given me permanent (as far as i can tell) shakes, and i’ve gained weight….. Yeah, that pretty much allows for the damnation of an inanimate object.

Sometimes i consider re-medicating myself again…. except that means going back to my therapist… and i don’t want to. She’s nice. I admit that…. but it feels like…. a friend whore. I pay her to listen to me…. and help me. that for some reason, disgusts me beyond all reason. I can’t explain it– but it makes me ill. Very ill. Besides, I’m not as sick as i was a few years ago, when i started.

I’m not sure the therapy helped. I went to group, everyone else had serious problems…. none of them i can disclose or anything… but… real deep problems, and i was the girl who’s first boyfriend abused her– and she was in therapy. I felt — odd. I felt, wrong. I couldn’t help but compare– Some of those girls had deep emotional scars…. and i was just abused verbally. I mean, yeah, I’m fat. SO what? That’s what he told me…. every day… in a million different ways. And God help me, i loved him anyway. I loved him so much, i didn’t care about the pain–

until he was gone. Then I was angry… and i felt ugly. No, i didn’t feel ugly, i was ugly. I was disgusting, and vile. I knew it. He’d convinced me a million times that i was wrong…. that i was sick and the size of a barn…. and that he didn’t love me. He hit that one home quite nicely. and i gave him everything. I gave him my past, and the present, and if he had asked for it, my future. Not anymore though… I’m grateful for that.

I’m not as weak as I was before….

Yeah, but– those others…. wow. I felt stupid. Completely stupid sitting there as they told their stories. (You just heard mine) But it’s a problem i have… comparing. seeing who hurts the worst. I know i didn’t . I know that those girls needed to be there so much more than me.

I am broken– and no amount of talk can fix that. *shrugs* That’s just the way things are. I think I’m fine being broken. Being depressed sometimes…. feeling love, feeling pain, feeling everything. I’m fine with that. Feeling isn’t what makes me broken– the intensity is. I feel it, and i feel like i’m going to be washed away in the emotion. it’s crazy. And that’s what’s broken.

Me.

Derringer Meryl [My Favorite things] Out

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out

Finally.

In my readings of millions (okay, just lots, okay) fanfictions, and novels as well as novellettes… that one think remains true…..

The meeting of two lovers is possibly the sweetest thing ever. Romantic, heartwarming, and just… one big warm fuzzy. *sighs*

On the other hand, we were talking, for some reason, at work about drinking. Yes as in Alcohol. Before all of you wig, we weren’t drinking. I’ll never EVER drink. I’ve seen the social decay it’s caused in several people who were at one point close to me…. anyway. We were talking about how someone threw up in Gert’s bed, because she wasn’t feeling well and she was lying down there…. i digress… we were theorizing what kind of drunk i would be. A funny drunk, like some people are, an angry drunk, like off an after school special, or a horny drunk…. and I think you know what I mean.

Both Artemis and Gert agreed that i’d be a horny drunk. (mutters) thanks guys. Not that i’d necessarily sleep with people, they added afterwords, that i’d simply be touchy feely. I had to agree. Suppressed tendencies would be … unsuppressed when inebriated….

and i’m a huggy person. Oh yes, but– people dont’ like to be hugged. ANd i don’t like to be hugged just because…. like “Hey you’re a person, wanna hug?” Naw, I’m not like that. Nope.

*sighs* Have you ever just rambled and wished you could stop yourself, but … can’t. like your mouth has a mind of it’s own.

and then you wish you could take it all back— Oh yes…

taking it back would be nice.

Derringer Meryl [Fin for the week]

How many people hold on to a love that can never be– because their lover (which can mean more than just the sexual connotation… for all of you who are half as dirty as I am.) has fled from them. For which ever reason…. there are so many– With words, for a known reason, or without. I can’t imagine not knowing. Not knowing why someone would never want to love you– couldnt’ love you, refused to love you–

Makes a person die a little inside — knowing that someone isn’t willing to risk their heart for them. I know i live life with my heart. I’m the queen of empathy, sympathy, and just– loving. I love life. *smiles secretively* There was a time you wouldnt’ hear me say that. There are good moments, and good FOR you moments. Where you grow– and learn, and that’s where life is. You remember the happy times with fond remembrance, but you embrace the difficult times to increase the strength within you.

You can’t hide from the pain in life. You can’t hide from the death, or the heartbreak. You can try to avoid it– but it eventually finds you. No matter how secluded you are from the world. And you can hate the pain– you can hate all of it– but it doesn’t make it better. It’s like putting salt on an open wound. It burns– and it stings, and it’s general pain, that you cause yourself on purpose. No– hiding definately isn’t the answer for things in life you dislike.

Embrace the painful moments– then move on…

I’m not saying revel in them. I”m not saying enjoy the death of a loved one– but remember them. DOn’t wallow in your pain…. don’t extend it. Feel it. Feel all of it. Every area and extent– and then move past it. Feel the heartbreak, feel the betrayal– but take it, and learn from it. Don’t close yourself off from the world because the world hurts you– but embrace it …. feel sad, lounge in your pajamas for a few days. Eat a carton of Ben and Jerry’s then move on.

Reminisce. Remember the good. Remember the bad. Especially the bad…. it helps you make right choices. Not to avoid the bad– just to make wiser choices in your life.

Derringer Meryl [Someday, I want a prince charming] Out