Undone

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

How many people hold on to a love that can never be– because their lover (which can mean more than just the sexual connotation… for all of you who are half as dirty as I am.) has fled from them. For which ever reason…. there are so many– With words, for a known reason, or without. I can’t imagine not knowing. Not knowing why someone would never want to love you– couldnt’ love you, refused to love you–

Makes a person die a little inside — knowing that someone isn’t willing to risk their heart for them. I know i live life with my heart. I’m the queen of empathy, sympathy, and just– loving. I love life. *smiles secretively* There was a time you wouldnt’ hear me say that. There are good moments, and good FOR you moments. Where you grow– and learn, and that’s where life is. You remember the happy times with fond remembrance, but you embrace the difficult times to increase the strength within you.

You can’t hide from the pain in life. You can’t hide from the death, or the heartbreak. You can try to avoid it– but it eventually finds you. No matter how secluded you are from the world. And you can hate the pain– you can hate all of it– but it doesn’t make it better. It’s like putting salt on an open wound. It burns– and it stings, and it’s general pain, that you cause yourself on purpose. No– hiding definately isn’t the answer for things in life you dislike.

Embrace the painful moments– then move on…

I’m not saying revel in them. I”m not saying enjoy the death of a loved one– but remember them. DOn’t wallow in your pain…. don’t extend it. Feel it. Feel all of it. Every area and extent– and then move past it. Feel the heartbreak, feel the betrayal– but take it, and learn from it. Don’t close yourself off from the world because the world hurts you– but embrace it …. feel sad, lounge in your pajamas for a few days. Eat a carton of Ben and Jerry’s then move on.

Reminisce. Remember the good. Remember the bad. Especially the bad…. it helps you make right choices. Not to avoid the bad– just to make wiser choices in your life.

Derringer Meryl [Someday, I want a prince charming] Out