Undone

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

Within even hours of each other? I know, I’m crazy like that.

Also I want to annoy my husband’s RSS reader. Also. I found myself pondering a rather morose topic in the car while some good ole Nirvana on the way back from work. They were on a Nirvana spree this afternoon. Oddly I find I do some of my best thinking when listening to products the grunge era. Anyway. I was thinking about people who think Depression is all in your head. Psychologically speaking of course. Physically speaking they would be correct, usually the cause of depression (in most people) is a problem with Serotonin. Sweet eh? I am the only person I know who took chemistry, and did lots of bio chem work while in it. I delved really deep into the causes of depression — it related to me, and knowing about what caused it really helped me feel better.

still.

Hearing that there are people who think Depression is all psychological really chaps my hide. Seriously. I had several serious bouts of depression (clinical, I was diagnosed by a family practitioner at 15) through out my high school (and junior high school) career. While I no longer manage my depression through medication I am aware that not all depression sufferers are able to do so. I don’t like to think that they are “dependent” on the medication, though I will admit that I was dependent at one point. The withdrawal of the medication (even when done correctly tapering off over time) caused myself serious (well serious to me) physical problems, such as night tremors which lasted a year after I stopped the medication. I believe that there are people who have a problem that can’t just be helped to get over it. Some people need the medication to function normally. To feel normally. It’s hard.

I like to think that people who think depression is all psychological are simply happy naive people. People who don’t know what it’s like to lay in bed at night trying to convince themselves that God would be ok with them dying because God ultimately wants them to be happy. I imagine they don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate yourself for no particular reason at all. To hate the fake smile you plaster on all the time. To feel like you’re numb from it all.

I remember it all.

I don’t feel like that anymore. Scott and I have been medication free since we’ve been married (For me it’s almost 6 years. I’m really actually very proud of that) I would never belittle or excuse someones depression. It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is progressively sad. It’s hard to know how to help them. Just be there. let them know you’re there. Call and chat with them. Let them know you missed them if they’re away. Be Supportive. I had/have an amazing  support structure of friends and family. I know that it’s why I’m so mentally healthy (HAHA!) today. (And to all of you who are saying “THIS IS HER HEALTHY?” the answer is, aren’t you glad  you didn’t see me when I was mentally ill?)

Derringer Meryl [HEY HEY, I got a new complaint] Out

I think it just must be heavy news week or month, or something.

I think I might have a problem. I dont’ want anyone to have a heart attack, or anything…. Cause I’m healthy, and i’m not pregnant (so no worries on that front) and Yeah, i’m still living in my in-law’s basement. It kinda deals with that… in a way.

I think I have problems eating. *Waits for the laughter to die down* I mean, I don’t think I’m anorexic (Cause I sure as heck don’t look like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen) and I know I’m not bulemic because I don’t throw up– but I still think my eating isnt’ healthy. I’m just gonna lay it out like it is.

I go for long periods of time not eating. Fairly long periods of time. Like entire days. I’d like to say it’s because of depression or something like that– but honestly life isn’t that bad. Sadly, and sickly, it’s a fairly concious thing for me. I don’t fit into any of my clothes anymore. I find myself disgusting to look at. My Face and neck are getting fatter and I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand myself.

Derringer Meryl [feeling stupid and moronic] Out

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out