Undone

Scott and I watched a clip for a Bronies documentary. Scott was like “MAN ARE THOSE PEOPLE NUTS” (Maybe without the internet all caps shouting) and I was like “These people are my homeboys!” Not because I”m necessarily a brony (or a pegasister as some of them like to be called) I think Ponies are neat, and the show is well written and thought out for a kids show. It’s quality.

(If you want to watch the trailer: http://youtu.be/EGMIABmH__8 )

One of the guys says something about how he used to be sad (he’s a kid) and My little Ponies has made his life better, he feels like waking up. To you, or anyone else who hasn’t experienced this type of feeling you might go “that’s stupid” and that’s what Scott said too.

Until you experience it. Some people probably go their whole life without being a fangirl/fanboy.  I do it a lot (as Sukie pointed out a few months ago) get into shows. Some people are passionate about lots of things. I’m into Doctor Who. As I told Scott today, it did pull me out of a depressive experience. It got me to see I needed to be on medication again. It got me back into writing, and dreaming a future for myself that wasn’t the same thing day after day. I started to want something for myself that wasn’t … just the same ole same ole.

I respect that people think my fangirling is weird. I don’t expect anyone to understand, and that’s ok. Just know that if something affects a life in a good way, why be down on it?

Derringer Meryl [I’m a Fangirl] Out

Where can I complain.

I have food issues. I’m fairly sure I’ve talked about some of my food quirks before. Like disliking to eat in front of people I don’t know well. That’s a big one, It’s a dumb one, let’s be honest.

That one is kind of shallow, don’t you think? I’m talking about a BIG issue. Emotional eating. I do this. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad. Pretty much the equation goes like this:

Feeling something=eat something. What I eat is almost always fattening (on occasion I will feel fat and will eat veggies or a salad, but I think both you and I know salads are rarely THAT healthy, especially when purchased at a restaurant) additionally I used to feel VERY guilty about the things I ate, and that would cause me to eat more. See how that doesn’t work? The additional problem that I have is when I take a bad behavior away (like drinking diet coke, or eating nasty greasy burgers) which are small bad behaviors, the energy for those bad behaviors says “oh, well since I’m not doing that anymore… I should put this into a worse behavior” If you’ve seen the hogfather it’s a bit like that. What happens is everyone stops believing in the Hogfather (who is essentially Santa Claus) and that excess of belief (that has now been freed up) goes to new Gods and creatures like the OhGod of Hangovers.

I’m getting off topic. I’m just saying that when I try to be good at food, I’m much worse at other things. I have a finite amount of goodness, and really being thin isn’t that important. Which is complete BS. Because it is important. Lots of things are important. it’s important that I work to get healthy now, or I’m going to have the health of an 80 year old when I’m 40, and I’ll keel over. Which is part 2. I hate making time for myself. I have a lot of mommy guilt. Scott and I’s lives are … strange and hectic, and dumb. I should run when I get home, or walk, or something. Instead I plunge into the 2 million other things that are “important” like homework, writing, dinner, laundry, and some semblance of cleaning or “me” time.  I should find more time for myself. I need to. Or I will have crappy bones when I’m 40 and I’ll be sick every day, and Have to take a million pills which will cost a million dollars and honestly we have enough health issues in our family without me adding to it. I don’t want diabetes, especially not type two. Scott wouldn’t let me live it down.

I need to spend a bit of time writing and running, somehow at the same time. So maybe I’ll allot myself 1 hr at night to run and think about ONE specific character, their background, how they look, what their role is in the story, etc etc. I need to work it out.

I need to work out

Not a new years resolution. Just a statement. As of tomorrow, I’ll be back on Naniwrimo (January edition) I’ll be obnoxious I”m sure. But that’s ok. What else would I be?

Derringer Meryl [all apologies] out

I haven’t posted here in a while for SEVERAL reasons:

1) Doctor Who Obsession. which largely is now on tumblr because I know family and friends are sick of it. So i relegate that to annoying other fangirls/boys … It’s better that way.

2) Work. Work has been overwhelming me a bit. I am pretty much in a “go to work, come home, eat, get Katie’s homework done, do one thing that MUST be done, and go to bed, start over.” cycle and its a  bit… draining on me. Even when Scott and I put a huge effort into ONE room being cleaned, the girls come through at rampage speed and undo it. I’m just tired of it.

3)Nanowrimo: I’m nto ashamed of this one as much honestly, because I achieved it. Nanowrimo is 30 days to write a novel, or (alternatively) 50,000 words. The average Scifi book is 100k. So you probably won’t see much of me on here (again) as of January, because I”m giving myself 31 days to replicate it again. I’m going to hop back in and write the second half of my novel. I also will mix this in with some reading.  So I may not reach my goal this time, but I figured it’s worth investing some time in myself and my skills and talents.

Because of this investment I have had some problems iwth my hands lately. I also havent’ been feeling so great (low vitamin D, not consistently taking my Zoloft) so I’m going to work on this. and I’m going to work on my book.

I may never be a famous author, but I will improve and work towards being published (even just on Kindle) because I love writing, and I want someone to love what I’ve wrote. I’m being very careful to write for the story, not the audience. I hope it all works out.

Derringer Meryl [Poppin’ Tags] Out

So I’ve found, fairly obviously, that I have problems… relating to people. I am fairly self involved. I am not sure if this is a nurture/nature thing, but I’ve always been kind of turned inwards trying to constantly examine, and re-examine my own self. I’m like a computer stuck on an infinite loop of “Is something broken?” and if the answer is no, I’m not looking hard enough yet. If the answer is yes, then I have to work on how to fix it. All very… odd. I have theories about why I’m this way. But that isn’t really the point.

The point is: I have found that I relate well to people through media well. I used to think I was charming via text, but the reality is, i can still be awkward. I am excellent at manipulating what is already there. I am great at expounding on something given to me. I don’t lay good foundations, I am not great at STARTING something, but I’m awesome at continuing it. As terrible as it sounds, I’m great at being  a follower. I will follow your lead. Typically. Usually. even when it’s not a great idea. If I trust you. My convictions are strong, but I hold them close to my heart. I don’t share them. So don’t ask.
Things I am loathe to talk argue about: religion, God, Politics. I used to think it’s because I had no conviction. no opinion, no feelings on the matters; not strongly anyway. But it’s not really true. It’s because I’m so sure of them, I really have no interest in what you have to say, nor do I have any desire to have you try and tear me down for what I think.

In completely different news. I was thinking about my weight the other day. When amI not? Probably when I am buying and scarfing down junk food mostly. haha. Damn carbs. Anyway… I have always been acutely aware of an attitude of stubborness that I have that goes like this “don’t tell me what I can do, I’ll do what I want. If you tell me what I can and can’t do, I will go out of my way to prove you WRONG.”

Really not healthy. Is that being contrary? probably. It’s not like I’m that way about everything. I am, on occasion, naturally submissive. Like with my parents. I was not an overtly challenging child as far as rebellion goes (as far as mental health… that’s something else, isn’t it?). I just … the only person who holds me back (really) in life is me.I write as my house is cluttered and needs to be cleaned, I could be spending my time differently…I can blame the people who acted on me. Who broke me and stole things from me. Every little bite of something is “Oh Yeah, well you’re going to love me anyway, just you watch.”

I know though that you can’t run from the one person who is always disappointed in me. ME. I thought i’d be so much more. Something more. Published, or thinner, or … just anything but plain old me.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching for what’s broken. Because I desperately want for something to be different and special about me. If I was at least spectacularly broken, I’d have something.

Everything gets lost in time. When you’re little. People love you. Adore you. So cute! So little, and sweet. Time takes it all though. All the talents, and skills, and praise. All you’re left with is regret and insecurity.

Derringer Meryl [Things I discover.] Out

During the day I’m fine!

I can be a pillar of strength, or a pile of salt. Which may be tasty on a vast amount of popcorn. SO at least either way I”m good. 😉

Today I was mildly accomplished in the fact that I got a side of my Sister in law’s baby quilt bound and I did up a grocery list for tomorrow, which may or may not need a few additional items. Like ziplock bags. Can’t forget those!

I’ve been working nights, which I think i’ve mentioned, which is throwing my life off into this weird wibbldy wobbldy unbalance. I look forward to next week, when I can get back to a semblance of norm. Not that I”m complaining, my job is hard, and complex (also really simple at the same time, which may add to it’s complexity!) and sometimes completely maddening, but I find it fulfilling. I am helping my department succeed in the best way I can. I love it. It has it’s days where I go home and cry, i’ll admit, but everything does.

I’m also going to make headway on my quilt for Child’s Play. I’m a bit nervous about that one. To be honest. Scott’s Yoshi quilt is starting to … come apart. and I’m worried I won’t do a good enough Job. There are corners I cut on Scott’s though. So I just need to be more diligent in this quilt. FOCUSED. Iron every smidgen. Stop making excuses, and do my best!

that’s all anyone can ask for right? I hope so.

I also want to try and potty train little Audrey this weekend. This will be our… fourth go at it? she’s done it … she is just SO stubborn and frustrating. My little mouthy miss. Who asked her uncle this past weekend “Where did all your hair go?” She’s got her Dad’s mouth, that’s for sure. haha.

I would absolutely looooooove to have someone do it for me, you know? I don’t know how to talk to her, how to entice her, and lure her into doing it. We’ve tried toys, treats, all sorts of stuff. she’s just not interested. Very blase. Obviously I can’t force her to be interested, but She can stay dry, and she likes to go off and hide to pee… so she gets it. She just isn’t DOING it.  I am thinking “No more diapers, that’s SO much money we’re tossing on that!” I’d just like to be done with diapers and their boxes, and bags, and the mess of it all!

We’ll see how it goes! I’ll discuss our progress after the weekend has completed