Undone

in a moment of brief insanity, i’ve decided to update. I have a date next monday. I have my nephews (all three of the out of staters) coming to stay at our house. I have school work blowing out my ears. I’m fairly relaxed, I’m managing fairly well. I just don’t sleep at all. that’s not bad though. I’m alright with that.

Um. Keenspace is back up, which i’m really happy about.

I have a few things i’m really keen about. after six months of self entrapment, i’ve suddenly decided to let myself go, for the enlightenment of others. *shrugs* If i wasn’t such a personal person, who likes to keep a lot of emotional things to herself (deeply emotional things) then i might elaborate. If you ask, i might tell you. that is, unless your name starts with a consonant. :0

I’m so mean.

Poor Mouth has been having a rough time of it. I’m really at a loss of what to do. Usually getting stone drunk helps him feel better, but this isn’t even touching his depression this time. It’s really odd. He’s a great friend, who helped me free myself from my own little prison of emotion. I’d like to help him too, the way he helped me…. so i’ve been thinking really hard about it.

And i’m gonna try to do something, I don’t know what yet. But something. Anything.

Last Sunday, I had a nightmare, for clarification for those who are confused. It was vivid. It was real. I was standing some place, seemed like Wudan’s old apartment, maybe. And The Specialist and I were there. He told me he was tired. He looked it too. He wasn’t smiling. He just looked… haggard… but still recognizably him, if that makes sense. He pulled a gun from his pocket, and put it to his chin, and pulled the trigger.

I woke up crying. And i was alone in my house. I was really scared. He didn’t answer his cell phone either.

It was like having the feeling that you could never tell someone you were sorry. It was horrible. And I never want to feel like that again.

Ever.

Derringer Meryl [A little scarred] Out

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

Ever had those moments where you just wanted to run and hide in a box? Yeah, this is one of those moments. This is the moment that staples is on the phone and he’s talking to me, and i’m just… wondering why he thinks that Monkey and I are still dating.

You think i’d run with that idea, considering the fact that Staples is interested in me… but since i don’t think monkey would appreciate that very much, and i don’t need to be deluded at all.

So I told the truth. Aren’t you proud of me? I told the truth when it was harder. I told him that I wasn’t, and I hadn’t been since July.

I’ve never been so proud of myself. I feel like calling and telling Monkey right now — but instead, I’m going to go buy cake. Yes, fattening, thigh adding, waist thickening and tongue happy cake.

I don’t care. I told the truth. Good On me.

Derringer Meryl [Happy, and then Not] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out

Well, i’ve just finished watching the first two Matrix Movies. Edited of course. *smiles* See I have this thing… where I get excessively guilty if I break a rule. It’s a rule not to watch Rated R movies. So there ya go.

Can I say i’m so stressed out. I have a psychology paper due tuesday, a chapter i should be reading, 12 lines of blank verse I should be writing….

and honestly, i don’t know how to count iambic pentameter. I’m horrid at it. Blah. Not to mention I can’t tell where an accent is or isnt’ for the life of me. Maybe I can find something to help me online? Hey, if you find one, you should tell me!

Have you ever seen Ally McBeal? Ya know, in the beginning before it got too… tangenty? She’d always go off into these little dream worlds where something she wished would happen, did. I had a moment like that today. One of my mom’s friends (acquaintance, whatever.) was talking, and i heard a car door slam, and that’s all it took for me to be propelled into a dream-like state.

I heard faint stomping outside as someone cleaned off their shoes, I assumed it to be my brother, since he was outside cleaning the sidewalks off, but the doorbell rang, which is something someone who lives in the house doesn’t do unless it’s locked. So I excused myself from the dull conversation and crossed the room. I turned the door to see an incredibly hansome man looking at me. He gave me a stoney glare. I shrugged it off as I exited outside to talk to him. There was the faint sound of shoveling in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. “What do you want?” I asked Jarringly. I seem irritated, my arms folded across my chest, half in anger, half in a sincere attempt to keep myself warm. His eyes soften. “I’m sorry.” He whispers momentarily, and takes a step towards me. “But I can’t take all this time away from you. What I said….” he looks me in the eye. “It was wrong. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want this to be a once in a while thing. I want to be with you.” By this time his hands have settled on my hips, pulling me towards him. I rest my head on his chest, inhaling the scent i associate with him. “I can’t live without you anymore.” He whispers in my ear. I’m breathless. Every moment is right. He’s the right guy, i’m the right girl (he just said so, finally!) and he leans in, and I stand on my tip toes (just a little) and i’m swept into the most romantic kiss known to man….

but them i’m jarred back into reality with the question if i’m dating anyone. I say no. That’s really my choice, as well as my private business, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [Crazy Confused] Out