Undone

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. 😉 Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! 😉

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! 🙂 She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out

And I’ll blog about God if I want to.

I tend to hesitate on this point, simply because I don’t like to stir controversy. But I have been in a dark place, and I feel like, my silence has been resonating in me. I didn’t feel like doing anything. AT ALL. Seriously. I kept thinking why wouldn’t this hole inside of me fill up. I kept putting things there, Finding a new way to put things there, like pounding a circle peg into a triangular hole. I just needed something. Thusly, I have gained back all of my weight lost (sad) from trying to shove food into an abyss in my soul that, frankly, food cannot fill. (Even if it is/was really yummy) I kept thinking (yes, here I go) that people always say they turn to God to help them with their burdens, help them ease their pain. and I felt angry. And stupid. Like “What am I doing wrong? I’ve been asking!! Why won’t he help me?”

And quite frankly, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I wasn’t humble enough. Maybe i needed to fall to a certain point so that i wouldn’t just keep doing what i was doing while he was helping me. i’m pretty damn sure God doesn’t endorse the whole “have your cake and eat it too” BS that a lot of people seem to think they can have.

anyway. if this is cryptic to you, don’t mind it. i have been depressed. it makes me increasingly cryptic.

so. finally tonight, after getting some really good advice (and sometimes it seems like the best advice you’ve heard like 30 times, but this time you’re actually listening) i sat down with Scott, and … really prayed. I hadn’t done that in a while. it’s bad, i know. But if this is news to you that i’m not perfect… well you probably should pay more attention to where you’re at. i’m not perfect, and guess what? THE EARTH IS ROUND!! HOLY CRAP!

Anyway. onward and upward. i am very happy right now. it’s not a crazy giddy happy. it’s a peaceful beautiful happy. it’s knowing that my family loves me. it’s knowing that my newest niece is at home resting in her crib, or at the very least at home with her family, where she belongs. it’s knowing that when i am down, there are people there who want to lift me up if i will let them. it’s knowing that when i come home there will be squeals and giggles and probably be stupid chores too– but it’ll be in my house, with my kids and my husband. i hope i never forget how lucky i am to have such a blessed life. i have a good steady job, with benefits. i have a great boss, who understands me, and listens to me. i have friends at work, who care about my well-being. i have SO much.

mostly… i have scott. who (like myself) isn’t perfect, but he is smart, and he is sweet in his own way (sometimes subtle). He works hard to take care of me, and our girls. he loves me the way i am. he forgives me my shortcomings (and insanity) and always remembers important dates. 🙂

i love my life

Derringer Meryl [you would too if it happened to you] out

When i was little, my mom and I used to sit on the front porch and sing songs in our glider. We would talk, and sometimes cry. I loved sitting outside on the swing. So when Scott and I looked for places to buy, that was my number one desire, a porch swing…

Our place doesn’t have one, But I do love our house… When i saw it, and came into it… I knew I was  home. So here we are.

Scott bought me a patio set. I am in love with it. It is SO romantic, and SO nice to be able to be outside and sit. i would be more verbose on the topic, but kids are screaming and needing changed….

oh being a mom…

I have an odd passion. It really is odd.

Fertility.

I enjoy talking to people about babies, and not even that, ovulating, signs that you’re ovulating,  obsessively testing, etc etc. I love it. I know a lot about the treatments for PCOS (for the uninitiated it’s Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and about taking your temp every day and charting it to see when you are more than likely ovulating. I am … a fertility geek. LOVE it.

A constant lesson in my life (in relation to my fertility FBH-ness) is that another person’s happiness doesn’t diminish yours, and to be patient. In 2005, I got pregnant, and i was excited, and it was a hard time too. I came home early from work one day, because I was feeling horrible, and wanted to lay down. I will be honest that when I came home Scott and I got in an argument. After we got through that, I went into the bathroom, and (of course) wiped, the  TP came out pink. I hurriedly called the doctor. I got into see a GYN that day (fat lot of good that did me. hah) and she ordered a Beta test. Now, excuse me while I break this down for you. a Beta test not only checks the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), but checks to make sure it doubles. This is called a quantitative beta test. The numbers should double every 24-48 hours. Mine did not. I went in for an ultrasound with my (JERK FACE) Obgyn, and I saw my baby. it took my breath away. I think that moment ruined me for all later ultrasounds, a little bit. My eyes welled up as I looked at my little bean. In all rights, to me at that moment. It was perfect. So sweet and tiny. My baby. I didn’t even get a copy of any pictures. the doctor finished everything up, and let me know that “Oh Darn” there was no heart beat. If I had only thought of that when I looked at the monitor, I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. In my innocence, i fell in love all the same. I will never cease to find it amazing that within 10 minutes, all in one room… I went from the happiest woman ever, so the most crushed, or so I thought.

I struggled for a while, I joined a message board with a section for loss ( I am still a member there) I learned that others had it far worse than me. Women who were not able to conceive at all.  Women who could conceive but their pregnancies always ended in loss, some of them with 4-5 losses. My heart broke. I will admit that even after joining there, i struggled a lot. When a friend of mine got pregnant, I sobbed. when the bills for my D&C arrived saying that I had an abortion, I died a little. it made it sound like i chose that. Like I chose to end my pregnancy. That I had chose to have my baby who I loved SO much die. My little one would have been 4 this January.

I learned to look for the blessing in the pain. To find the meaning behind a senseless misfortune. I taught myself so much. Infertility and loss, are painful things. There are many women longing to hold a child in their arms. Grieving over a loss, infuriated at their own body. I know that I felt broken. The one thing I felt I was designed by God to do… and i couldn’t do it. I realize now that my loss was not a no from God, it was a “Not yet.”

Derringer Meryl [hard to remember] Out

IS BUSY!

Seriously. I’m pretty excited about it all though. last week we had Sukie’s babyshower, which went well. Some people thought I was Wudan’s twin, which I am completely used to. We are at the point in our lives that 4 years just really isn’t that big of a difference in age. 😉 Besides my brother is awesome. So I am no longer bothered by this common statement. I was in charge of games, and it went well, I think anyway. Sukie agreed, and was really awesome about everything. 🙂 I went straight from that to doing a talk the next day for Church. That didn’t go as swimmingly… but whatever. I miss having time to speak publicly, and prepare well and everything. Oh well.

I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately. I realize that I have been putting people in weird awkward positions trying to take up some slack for emotional needs I have. I’m a pretty needy person. Anyway. I am working on a lot of stuff. I’m like… day… 25 on my hair and make up challenge. I’m on week 6 of my biggest loser challenge, and have only lost 6 lbs that have stayed off. I need to work harder. Things are just chaotic, and I keep saying “tomorrow I will do better” But it’s rough. I was counting on DQ for a lot of help with it, and now she’s off with her boyfriend… and it’s not her fault, I just need to find more self reliance, and become stronger as a person. So i am working on that as well. I am re-starting (jump starting) my biggest loser challenge as of Monday. Which means no more diet coke and more calorie counting and more water.

In exciting news, I will be an aunt three times over this year, I am thrilled! I was telling a friend of mine that I have one more SIL that needs to get knocked up and I will have Ut Preggo SIL Bingo 😉 Plenty of Chances to throw more showers. 🙂 Additionally, Scott got the promotion he was up for, and he got the shift he wanted. Which means no more driving all over creation and eating out like I was before three days a week…. and now we don’t need a babysitter. We are forever grateful for the many people who helped us with our girls while Scott was working his crazy shift. My understanding boss, Carebear (who did the majority of the care), Frik, Squirt, Midori, Scribbles, my mother in law, Scott’s best friend and wife (who we refer to as Nick and Jessica within my family, no offense guys!!). We really appreciate it, especially since the girls were sick, and stuff. I appreciate there are people we can rely on in tight spots, especially since sometimes we called last minute, or IM’d last minute, or emailed really late at night. We really love all of our family and friends, even if you weren’t able to help… I know a lot of people wanted to.

Wudan watched Kate during the baby shower, and I love hearing about people’s interactions with her when I return. Especially people who havent’ gotten to spend a lot of time with her. She really enjoyed spending time with Wudan and The Boy. I handed off Audg to Wudan to show how fussy she gets around others, but hey, turns out she loves Wudan like me. 🙂  HAHA. It’s great.

Things are good. On occasion I have a hard time remembering it. I have a wonderful Husband, two beautiful kids, and a good job.

Derringer Meryl [I love that you love me] Out