Undone

I have an odd passion. It really is odd.

Fertility.

I enjoy talking to people about babies, and not even that, ovulating, signs that you’re ovulating,  obsessively testing, etc etc. I love it. I know a lot about the treatments for PCOS (for the uninitiated it’s Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and about taking your temp every day and charting it to see when you are more than likely ovulating. I am … a fertility geek. LOVE it.

A constant lesson in my life (in relation to my fertility FBH-ness) is that another person’s happiness doesn’t diminish yours, and to be patient. In 2005, I got pregnant, and i was excited, and it was a hard time too. I came home early from work one day, because I was feeling horrible, and wanted to lay down. I will be honest that when I came home Scott and I got in an argument. After we got through that, I went into the bathroom, and (of course) wiped, the  TP came out pink. I hurriedly called the doctor. I got into see a GYN that day (fat lot of good that did me. hah) and she ordered a Beta test. Now, excuse me while I break this down for you. a Beta test not only checks the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), but checks to make sure it doubles. This is called a quantitative beta test. The numbers should double every 24-48 hours. Mine did not. I went in for an ultrasound with my (JERK FACE) Obgyn, and I saw my baby. it took my breath away. I think that moment ruined me for all later ultrasounds, a little bit. My eyes welled up as I looked at my little bean. In all rights, to me at that moment. It was perfect. So sweet and tiny. My baby. I didn’t even get a copy of any pictures. the doctor finished everything up, and let me know that “Oh Darn” there was no heart beat. If I had only thought of that when I looked at the monitor, I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. In my innocence, i fell in love all the same. I will never cease to find it amazing that within 10 minutes, all in one room… I went from the happiest woman ever, so the most crushed, or so I thought.

I struggled for a while, I joined a message board with a section for loss ( I am still a member there) I learned that others had it far worse than me. Women who were not able to conceive at all.  Women who could conceive but their pregnancies always ended in loss, some of them with 4-5 losses. My heart broke. I will admit that even after joining there, i struggled a lot. When a friend of mine got pregnant, I sobbed. when the bills for my D&C arrived saying that I had an abortion, I died a little. it made it sound like i chose that. Like I chose to end my pregnancy. That I had chose to have my baby who I loved SO much die. My little one would have been 4 this January.

I learned to look for the blessing in the pain. To find the meaning behind a senseless misfortune. I taught myself so much. Infertility and loss, are painful things. There are many women longing to hold a child in their arms. Grieving over a loss, infuriated at their own body. I know that I felt broken. The one thing I felt I was designed by God to do… and i couldn’t do it. I realize now that my loss was not a no from God, it was a “Not yet.”

Derringer Meryl [hard to remember] Out