Something controversial I support

I’m going to say it. It’s not something I normally shout out. It’s something that normally, at least from what i’ve noticed, is frowned on.


That being said, you may want to leave this thread. If you’re pregnant, I suggest leaving. If you want to have a rousing argument, you may want to go as well.

I’m not here to tout the wonderfulness of aborting a baby. I’m here to say that people should have a choice. I do not espouse promiscuity, or irresponsible choices or even killing babies. I love babies. You can ask anyone I know. I espouse the ability to make a choice legally, and the right to do so. It’s not a choice I normally would not make, but I cannot judge in the many various situations that people of the world may be in. I can tell you some facts that I’ve learned, through an unfortunate turn of personal experiences.

When I was 19, I got married. To my wonderful husband. We decided, shortly after I turned 20, to stop preventing conception and start actively trying to have a baby. After three months of trying, I got pregnant. I was RIDICULOUSLY excited. The moment I saw the words “Pregnant” on the little test I had purchased, I was SO excited. I don’t think, in all of the world, any woman could have been as excited as me. (Hyperbole maybe, but I was young, and pure and excited.) I got powerfully ill. VERY bad morning sickness. I threw up a lot. I remember at one point praying for God to stop the sickness. I would do anything. I don’t blame God for what happened next, but I felt foolish for the prayer I had said.  One day I came home early from work, and felt uneasy. Scott and I had an argument (I’m 100% about something stupid) and I was bleeding. it was faint, the nurse on the line when I called assured me that was normal. I felt panicked. I requested to go to the doctor. They got me an appointment. I had a blessing. I scheduled it for my anniversary (one year with my awesome Scott Husband! It should have been a great day!) We went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound. I remember getting teary at the Ultrasound. It was AMAZING. there was my tiny baby.  I could see it’s tiny nub arms, and it’s head. I was in love. I had, with my husband, made a little person. They were going to be my baby, and I would hold them forever in my arms. Moments later… I heard the saddest words ever, “Oh darn. There’s no heartbeat.” I was broken hearted. I felt my life shatter into a million pieces. I was presented with two options. I could wait for the baby to pass from my system naturally, or I could have a D&C. For you mormons out there, this isn’t Doctrine and Covenants. It’s Dilation and curettage. The doctor explained the procedure. I signed up for it. I went home, with the feeling for the next week with the sad feeling of knowing that I was carrying my baby inside of me. Knowing that every cramp, the pain in my back, was my body getting ready to expel it. My anniversary, to say the least, was ruined. It was really though, the last of my concerns.

I had to take work off, which of course meant that I was losing pay. I took a week off to recover. Not enough time. How much time do you take off for the loss of a child? I loved that baby. I wanted in my arms. I wanted to see it’s cute smiles, and watch it suck it’s thumb and coo and cry and HECK poo all over. I carry that baby in my heart. I assume it was a little boy. In my heart that’s what I’ve always seen. He would have been 7 this year.

The real blow to me, the innocent little 20 year old girl who was conservative in every way. Who saw the world in black and white, who loved her baby and could never EVER understand why a person would have an abortion. Got a bill in the mail. For the D&C she had to undergo, on which it stated I had an abortion. I wish I could have cried. I wish there had been tears left in me for it at that point. All was left was pain, and disbelief. Ever since then, I never wanted anyone to feel that shame. People will say, when I tell them this story “your baby was already gone.” What if it wasn’t that? What if my baby was alive, but was very ill, making it unable to live. Could you face the heartbreak of having to choose watching your baby die a painful death in your arms, or stopping the pain before they have to suffer? Should you judge people for making that choice? You cannot stand on the sidelines and watch people’s lives and assume you know where they are. By taking their choice away, you assume you know what’s best for them. Let people make their own choices, if it’s wrong in God’s eyes, God will judge them. You are not God, you cannot judge them as you are also imperfect.

I tell my kids, love those who hurt you. If someone is in pain, or hurting, or just different from you, don’t hate them. You don’t know them. Love them.  You don’t know their burdens, you don’t know their life or challenges they experience. It’s easy to look at a situation you’ve never been in and say “I’d never do that.” But you don’t know, until you’re there.

<3 I hope my experience brings some perspective for some people. A deep shade of depressing blue to your world of black and white. Not everything is as simple as it sounds.

Derringer Meryl [Once Upon a time…] Out


First of all… (TMI post ahead)

I have an odd passion. It really is odd.


I enjoy talking to people about babies, and not even that, ovulating, signs that you’re ovulating,  obsessively testing, etc etc. I love it. I know a lot about the treatments for PCOS (for the uninitiated it’s Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and about taking your temp every day and charting it to see when you are more than likely ovulating. I am … a fertility geek. LOVE it.

A constant lesson in my life (in relation to my fertility FBH-ness) is that another person’s happiness doesn’t diminish yours, and to be patient. In 2005, I got pregnant, and i was excited, and it was a hard time too. I came home early from work one day, because I was feeling horrible, and wanted to lay down. I will be honest that when I came home Scott and I got in an argument. After we got through that, I went into the bathroom, and (of course) wiped, the  TP came out pink. I hurriedly called the doctor. I got into see a GYN that day (fat lot of good that did me. hah) and she ordered a Beta test. Now, excuse me while I break this down for you. a Beta test not only checks the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), but checks to make sure it doubles. This is called a quantitative beta test. The numbers should double every 24-48 hours. Mine did not. I went in for an ultrasound with my (JERK FACE) Obgyn, and I saw my baby. it took my breath away. I think that moment ruined me for all later ultrasounds, a little bit. My eyes welled up as I looked at my little bean. In all rights, to me at that moment. It was perfect. So sweet and tiny. My baby. I didn’t even get a copy of any pictures. the doctor finished everything up, and let me know that “Oh Darn” there was no heart beat. If I had only thought of that when I looked at the monitor, I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. In my innocence, i fell in love all the same. I will never cease to find it amazing that within 10 minutes, all in one room… I went from the happiest woman ever, so the most crushed, or so I thought.

I struggled for a while, I joined a message board with a section for loss ( I am still a member there) I learned that others had it far worse than me. Women who were not able to conceive at all.  Women who could conceive but their pregnancies always ended in loss, some of them with 4-5 losses. My heart broke. I will admit that even after joining there, i struggled a lot. When a friend of mine got pregnant, I sobbed. when the bills for my D&C arrived saying that I had an abortion, I died a little. it made it sound like i chose that. Like I chose to end my pregnancy. That I had chose to have my baby who I loved SO much die. My little one would have been 4 this January.

I learned to look for the blessing in the pain. To find the meaning behind a senseless misfortune. I taught myself so much. Infertility and loss, are painful things. There are many women longing to hold a child in their arms. Grieving over a loss, infuriated at their own body. I know that I felt broken. The one thing I felt I was designed by God to do… and i couldn’t do it. I realize now that my loss was not a no from God, it was a “Not yet.”

Derringer Meryl [hard to remember] Out

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