Undone

You know how people who are abused and trying to hide it say “Oh, I ran into a door, I’m really clumsy.” or something like it?

I think they mean it. Abusive people, are like doors. You can see them from a mile away, but unmoving, always there, and always ready to get you. *frowns* I know it makes me sound paranoid of doors, but… Well it’s been a long night here in the Stryfe household (Brush up on your anime, Derringer Meryl’s Last name is Stryfe. HA!) filled with a grumpy papa bear, and a mamma bear that just… can’t help but walk into the door. I’m not saying it’s her fault, because see, abusive people (unlike doors) change their stratagie to come after you. It’s like a hunt to them. You can run, and avoid, and choose your words oh so carfully–

but you’re always hurt in the end.

No, things around here– they don’t often get physical. We can thank that to the Zoloft God. I praise God for sending the knowledge to a scientist to make Zoloft. I”m grateful that my dad pumps himself full of it every morning. I vaugely remember what he was like before, and from what i’ve heard from my sibs– i’m the lucky one. I know I am too, he’s gotten better. But– Okay.

I could strike out, make my own choices, dress like a don-ho or whatever, it wouldn’t matter, dad wouldn’t hurt me, physically or verbally– I’m untouchable (Huzzah for my Superhero dillusions) but see, Dad knows what’s up. Because when you’re smart, when you want to see a person really suffer, you never go for the kill, you go for the pain. (Thanks to Buffy for the quote) He goes after Mom. He has a bad day at work, Mom. Always– ALWAYS. Something with the kids is going wrong, and it’s her fault, because according to my religion it’s the woman’s role in a marriage to raise the kids. Like the man has no roll. Well see our Religion doesn’t think that way. That the Man does have a roll in shaping the kids, they believe that– but see, my dad was never one to follow the yellow brick road. …..

it even makes me scared to type this…. i don’t want my mom to have to cry anymore. and yeah– I admit to it, I’d take the first opportunity out of this family. I probably wouldn’t care if the guy loved me or not, i just want out. Away from the tears and the perfection–

and my dad’s obsessive lust for the computer wherein he can spend hours of time …. in a world where his family is perfect– and they are all choosing the right. Temple goers who have bright shining faces– and everyone has gone on a mission.

I bet that’s what he dreams of as he stares for hours into the blank screen….. I don’t blame him. I’d much rather be in a faux world than in this one with him.

Oh. and if I ever said anything nice about Frienjamin and Gert. I take it back. I care not to enlighten…. they are men– and do not understand that I hear all. (after all, I am [despite knowing better] the gossip queen!)

I’m tired. I’m angry — and i have collages that still need to be put together. Grr.

Derringer Meryl [Hurt, in more ways than one] Out

What can I say, i’m a funny girl.

After spending a while on my feet (four hours, and i hurt … mostly in my arm joints, go figure that one) i’ve had alittle while to think. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s this:

Ben and Jerry’s DOES NOT Belong in a freezer! It’s meant to be eaten and enjoyed…. instead Monkey left it at work. (oops! on his part)

Along with that I’ve also realized that…. well, I don’t enjoy liking two people at once, and i also don’t particularly enjoy people who buy something, return it, buy something with the return money, and return that, and buy another new game…. all in the matter of like three hours. Go figure.

I took my collages to work, I wanted to show Friendjamin, but he didn’t work today. *frown* And My mom forgot to call the doctor so I can get rid of my friendly friends on my foot. (waves to her warts) I hate them, they are SO embarrassing. *growls* anyway.

There isn’t much to say, Marco doesn’t work today, and I’m exhausted, but happy–

Silent Hill 3 comes out tomorrow. More crazy stab-y death fun! Wahoo! (No, actually for once in my life, i’m serious.)

If you’ve come over here looking for a response to Red’s meandering thought pattern on my mother– Well…. I love my mum. I don’t know why she doesn’t love Red– but I think my mom thinks she’s just protecting me. *shrugs* I don’t live in her brain, so that’s just a guess.

Derringer Meryl [You should go and get the B&J] Out

The mouth is a unique part of the body. Its amazing how as a child we use it to explore things around us, and …. how even when we do not know how to ‘effectively’ communicate with others, it still works wonders.

Now at the age of eighteen, i wonder how to make it stop. For some unknown reason I spew all of my thoughts without even knowing it…. Like i black out and the mouth has control of my body and it says…. whatever it WANTS TO!

That leads us to the my thoughts on the Id. The Id sucks ass. and for some reason, my ego and super ego are no longer doing anything, it’s like they went on vacation!

and see, that may not seem like a dangerous thing ever, but people tell me stuff, I know stuff about myself, that i can’t seem to keep in. Random people who dont’ care about me whatsoever know things about me that others dont’, and they probably shouldn’t.

and Yeah. I mean, there’s a guy that works with Marco… I think his name is Sean, or something, but, he knows just as much about me as Marco does now. I think. Well pretty damn close.

Anyway. My mum says I can’t hang overnight at Red’s anymore. i think I’m old enough to make my own damn choices. I mean– if i want to hang at my friends house, with MY Friends, it’s my deal. Me. My choice. Red doesn’t control me, anything she’s mad about was my IDEA, I pushed it. Me.

Hello! Is there a world of ME in the choices i make. Maybe I am self involved. But HELL! Who isn’t? *Mumbles* Mum says I have no conscience… maybe it’s because i’ve never been in a situation scary enough to have to make a choice. Every thing is premade, already done, and I’m never faced with anything hard.

Sure, there’s the whole “Should I go to college, or not and get thrown out?” thing…. but no one in this house has the motzaballs to throw me out.

I just want to get AWAY! Because i can’t stand it here anymore. >_<;; I’m just so tired of all the running around and the chasing….

and OMG If I hear ONE More thing about me going to the singles ward so I can find a FINE upstanding Young man. . . .

I don’t want the Seminary President. I don’t want a guy who is going to smother me for the rest of my life with verses, and parables.

I want a guy who loves God, Like me, and loves me.

because i find that more important than if he went on a mission or not…. because i’m a sap who believes that true love will triumph over most anything… excluding infidelity.

Derringer Meryl [starry-eyed] Out

Okay, so apparently somewhere in the mix, i’ve become some sort of crazy scary fruit. I don’t know, maybe i’m one of those really prickly fruits that hurt when you touch them– i don’t know. But I’m here right now to clear a few things up, with my own top ten list….. entitled Top Ten Reasons I’m Not Really THAT Scary

10- I make brownies. And they aren’t laced, with anything. And I tend to give them to people when they’re hot… um, the brownies that is.

9- I can’t lie. Ever. I can act like i’m lying, but five seconds later…. i’ll tell you the truth. Unless you’re a jerk…. then i’ll just keep lying to you. But you’ll be able to tell, cause i really do suck at it.

8- i’m transparent. I wear my heart and my brain on opposing sleeves and if you can’t see how i’m feeling ALL The time, you’re just not looking hard enough.

7- I used to sing in the church choir. What is LESS threatening than a Church Choir girl? I don’t know what?

6- I am too much of a klutz to hurt anyone but myself, if you don’t believe me, ask anyone who has seen me after a few packets of sugar, or me in platforms, or even better, BOTH!

5- I have a doll/toy collection to rival Toys R Us. I’m literally a big kid. Literally.

4- I’m self sacrificing. If my Friends/Family needed something, I would do what ever I could to get it. You might find that threatening, but maybe it’s because you’re the thing between me and their happiness.

3- I faint at the sight of any blood that isn’t mine. Me no like-y blood. Uhh– Well, in a fight. I don’t like fighting and blood to go hand in hand. that’s bad.

2- I punch like a kitten. Seriously. Slapping on the other hand……

(And the Number one reason i’m not THAT Scary is……………..)

1- I sleep with a doll named Miss. Edith. Really. Her hair is red, and she’s wearing Green Clothes. *narrows eyes* and if you tell anyone, your mother will weep at the horrible sight of your maimed and mangled body.

Cheers!

Derringer Meryl [I try to be good] Out

If it were possible, I’d just post my HUGE grinning face on the internet, and keep that as my entry today….

but since it’s not– i’ll say a few words. Red and i had a little party last night– and we had a super great time. Err- I did. Red got put through quite the ringer. Including, but not limited to, phone calls at three in the morning from blatent morons who only want to get in her pants. *mumbles incoherently* Anyway, i don’t like the guys she chooses at all… or the guys who are attracted to her… I don’t know.

Whatever, in any sense, most of them signal to me bad news. I wanted to take the phone and scream at him. See, I”m one of those poeple who thinks that I can take the abuse handed to me by the world and people, but i would do anything to keep the people i love away from a situation like that. and being in a lot of them myself, i know what to look for.

*yawns* in any case– i had an excellent good time last night, or this morning, whatever– while red didn’t so much. she has apparently inherited my gorgeous luck with men, and i’ve inherited her cool head– and lack of thought.

*smiles* I’ve learned the say what you mean way of life, is the way to live. sure, the ever so subtle meaning more isn’t totally dead– i’ll use it now and again– but… sayin’ what you mean, is good.

and it’s nearly an hour later– and i still haven’t posted it.

I think the people i’m talking to know who they are– but. In a roundabout way, i appreciated everything about last night. I don’t expect any more from a friendship but fun. 😉 Here’s to good times and noodle salad. Thanks.

Derringer Meryl [happy little] Out