Undone

You know how people who are abused and trying to hide it say “Oh, I ran into a door, I’m really clumsy.” or something like it?

I think they mean it. Abusive people, are like doors. You can see them from a mile away, but unmoving, always there, and always ready to get you. *frowns* I know it makes me sound paranoid of doors, but… Well it’s been a long night here in the Stryfe household (Brush up on your anime, Derringer Meryl’s Last name is Stryfe. HA!) filled with a grumpy papa bear, and a mamma bear that just… can’t help but walk into the door. I’m not saying it’s her fault, because see, abusive people (unlike doors) change their stratagie to come after you. It’s like a hunt to them. You can run, and avoid, and choose your words oh so carfully–

but you’re always hurt in the end.

No, things around here– they don’t often get physical. We can thank that to the Zoloft God. I praise God for sending the knowledge to a scientist to make Zoloft. I”m grateful that my dad pumps himself full of it every morning. I vaugely remember what he was like before, and from what i’ve heard from my sibs– i’m the lucky one. I know I am too, he’s gotten better. But– Okay.

I could strike out, make my own choices, dress like a don-ho or whatever, it wouldn’t matter, dad wouldn’t hurt me, physically or verbally– I’m untouchable (Huzzah for my Superhero dillusions) but see, Dad knows what’s up. Because when you’re smart, when you want to see a person really suffer, you never go for the kill, you go for the pain. (Thanks to Buffy for the quote) He goes after Mom. He has a bad day at work, Mom. Always– ALWAYS. Something with the kids is going wrong, and it’s her fault, because according to my religion it’s the woman’s role in a marriage to raise the kids. Like the man has no roll. Well see our Religion doesn’t think that way. That the Man does have a roll in shaping the kids, they believe that– but see, my dad was never one to follow the yellow brick road. …..

it even makes me scared to type this…. i don’t want my mom to have to cry anymore. and yeah– I admit to it, I’d take the first opportunity out of this family. I probably wouldn’t care if the guy loved me or not, i just want out. Away from the tears and the perfection–

and my dad’s obsessive lust for the computer wherein he can spend hours of time …. in a world where his family is perfect– and they are all choosing the right. Temple goers who have bright shining faces– and everyone has gone on a mission.

I bet that’s what he dreams of as he stares for hours into the blank screen….. I don’t blame him. I’d much rather be in a faux world than in this one with him.

Oh. and if I ever said anything nice about Frienjamin and Gert. I take it back. I care not to enlighten…. they are men– and do not understand that I hear all. (after all, I am [despite knowing better] the gossip queen!)

I’m tired. I’m angry — and i have collages that still need to be put together. Grr.

Derringer Meryl [Hurt, in more ways than one] Out