Undone

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out

I am so odd in how i spend my evenings, i could probably have my entire collection of poetry (personal writings) cataloged on my computer….

oh wait. I do. I’m currently at #211. Aren’t you proud?

I need to print them all off now. Hee hee hee. I’m evil. I’m going to have to buy a ream of my own paper, and my family’s printer a new ink cartridge. hee hee. I’m horrid.

Derringer Meryl [Odd, and Odder] Out

*dances* I’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…. err.. something. I’m actually off to work in a little while (Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it’s off to work I go…) and then I’ll be all hyper cheerleader girl on speed there. WAHOO!

Anyway I thought i’d drop a spew ‘fore i go. 🙂 Toad the Wet Sprocket, Good Intentions

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can’t understand what i did last night

it’s hard to rely on my own good senses

when i miss so much that requires attention

have to laugh at myself sometimes

and i can see that i’m not blind

there’s little relief

give us reprieve

for all the things i’ve left behind

i’m positive that i’m not blind

i’m not afraid things won’t get better

but it feels like this has gone on forever

you have to cry with your own blue tears

have to laugh with your own good cheer

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can’t understand what i did last night

there’s little relief

give us reprieve

imagining the world outside

i’m positive that i’m not blind

i can’t be hard on you

’cause you know i’ve been there too

learned a lot of things from you

but life gives little relief

give us reprieve

and when everyone is cold as ice

i clinch my fists and close my eyes

imagining the world outside

but i can see that i’m not blind

Derringer Meryl [my mind is full of things that i can’t mention] Out

….. in a odd and depressing kind of way.

It’s getting cold around these parts again, and in my conversations, I say “I just wear my hoodie to bed, it keeps me warm….” and it makes me sad, that for the 18/19th year of my life, i’m sleeping alone. Cold. *hangs her head in shame* I need to move my bed away from the window.

That’ll at least take away the cold from the outside. My heart’ll be cold for a good time yet, i do believe.

*sighs* Yeah, so I’m odd. I finally get the guts up to go and interview at a company, and now it looks like i may get the job, and i’m not sure i want it anymore. I’m not sure i want to leave my store now, for this unstable one. And it scares me. I’m so nervous and frightened… and i’m so unsure. *laughs* that’s a perfect segway into stuff we just aren’t going to cover here. Hee hee.

Oh! I finished watching Berserk today. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, especially not people who want to watch something with their kids. Good God, NO! Watch it with your wife, or loved one, you’ll get lots of cuddles because of the excessive amounts of blood. *smirks* good thing.

I went craft shopping today. and being there made me want to die. I know, warm fuzzy of the post, i’m sure. I just… i hate being there, because i feel like i’ve lost everything, everyone i love. And so being there only makes it worse…. because i make things (crafts, food, n stuff) for the people i love. and they all seem so far away. and everywhere i turned, i sadly thought of someone i feel i lost because of my own stupidity. And everywhere i go in town, i have memories. I don’t know how other people live iwht it. the pain of knowing you lost someone you held dear to your heart, because of your own moronic tendencies. *eyes glaze over* I better go before I die.

Derringer Meryl [i’m not eating dinner] Out

*hums* I’m stuck in a horrid place. Leaving my job, where all of my nearby friends are, to get better pay. To me, my job isn’t just for the money, I don’t stay there for how much I get paid… no, i stay because i like the people i work with, they matter to me. I’m one of the last of a dying breed at my work… i have the second highest Seniority, and i’m throwing it all away–

on the chance that i might be able to make things better if i leave. Between Monkey and i, and between Gert and I. I need things to be better. *frowns* because i feel like the last of my friends are slowly slipping through my hands, and anything i try to do will make it worse. Only make them go faster…. ya know?

So, like the coward i am, i’m running. running from a situation that makes me hurt inside…. that brings me down and makes me cry when i wake up from the nightmares it causes me….

Once I dreamt that i was reaching out and i touched monkey on the arm, and he slapped my hand away, and yelled “Never touch me again!” and– it bothered me. Deeply. I don’t think i’m in love with him, and i don’t think i ever was, i was mistaken…. I loved the way he made me feel about myself. How relaxed and open i was around him…. but– i didn’t love him. Don’t love him. I’m not a brave enough to love someone who doesn’t love me. I’m a coward that way.

That doesn’t mean i’ll ever stop caring. Ever.

And I wish I was living underneath Red’s bed, cause then i could be there for her, but i’m guessing, if i was there, i’d be more of a distraction than a help. *shrugs* I’m a distractive type girl. *smirks* and it’s hard, for either of us, and i’m sure the many others like us who graduated this past year, to know what to do. How to function….

I never thought of myself as a social girl. In fact, you won’t find me being social unless someone makes me… like red used to… I never did anything bad, or anything at all for that matter, before i met her. *smiles as she passes her ball of yarn to Red* I said what i meant, and I meant what i said, I’ve admired you and your abilities since the day i met you. You were always shining brightly, no matter where you were. You’re brave and confident, and you say what is on your mind, and stand for what you believe in. You’re an amazing woman. Simply Amazing. You can make it through anything. I know you can.

Derringer Meryl [just the way you look tonight] Out