Undone

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out