Undone

*hums* I’m stuck in a horrid place. Leaving my job, where all of my nearby friends are, to get better pay. To me, my job isn’t just for the money, I don’t stay there for how much I get paid… no, i stay because i like the people i work with, they matter to me. I’m one of the last of a dying breed at my work… i have the second highest Seniority, and i’m throwing it all away–

on the chance that i might be able to make things better if i leave. Between Monkey and i, and between Gert and I. I need things to be better. *frowns* because i feel like the last of my friends are slowly slipping through my hands, and anything i try to do will make it worse. Only make them go faster…. ya know?

So, like the coward i am, i’m running. running from a situation that makes me hurt inside…. that brings me down and makes me cry when i wake up from the nightmares it causes me….

Once I dreamt that i was reaching out and i touched monkey on the arm, and he slapped my hand away, and yelled “Never touch me again!” and– it bothered me. Deeply. I don’t think i’m in love with him, and i don’t think i ever was, i was mistaken…. I loved the way he made me feel about myself. How relaxed and open i was around him…. but– i didn’t love him. Don’t love him. I’m not a brave enough to love someone who doesn’t love me. I’m a coward that way.

That doesn’t mean i’ll ever stop caring. Ever.

And I wish I was living underneath Red’s bed, cause then i could be there for her, but i’m guessing, if i was there, i’d be more of a distraction than a help. *shrugs* I’m a distractive type girl. *smirks* and it’s hard, for either of us, and i’m sure the many others like us who graduated this past year, to know what to do. How to function….

I never thought of myself as a social girl. In fact, you won’t find me being social unless someone makes me… like red used to… I never did anything bad, or anything at all for that matter, before i met her. *smiles as she passes her ball of yarn to Red* I said what i meant, and I meant what i said, I’ve admired you and your abilities since the day i met you. You were always shining brightly, no matter where you were. You’re brave and confident, and you say what is on your mind, and stand for what you believe in. You’re an amazing woman. Simply Amazing. You can make it through anything. I know you can.

Derringer Meryl [just the way you look tonight] Out