Some people get drunk first

before getting emotional, I just need to be exhausted. Maybe that’s those drunk people’s issue too? Anyway. I watched Glee tonight (Ep Asian F) and it made me cry.  Esp. Fix you at the end of it. Where Will Schuster and Ms. Pilsbury are praying together, because her parents emotionally traumatized her into fearing germs of people who are different, and she has essentially relapsed heavily in her OCD. It’s bad. I hope she gets back to Therapy. Which feels weird to say of a fictional character. But isn’t that the point that any good story does? Draws you into the characters, and makes you love them so much that you want to see them get better?


Anyway, I absolutely and always have adored the song “Fix You” by coldplay. It was released in Sept 2005 on Coldplay’s X&Y album. I was pretty depressed that year, and can recall feeling like my life was probably the worst it had ever been. I can heartily say that I am still (and probably always will be) recovering from 2005.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

It just speaks so heavily of things that everyone can relate to. “When you lose something you cannot replace” Like a father, a friend, a baby, innocence, love, joy, spirituality, faith, a sense of self. There are a million things that the thing you lost could be. The interesting thing is, to me this song is not one person to another. It’s not a boyfriend singing it to his girlfriend (or visa versa) or husband to wife. It is one person. One person singing it themself.

It’s no secret that I don’t consider myself overly mentally well. I’m obviously not completely batshit crazy (sorry mom) but I am … lost in all of the things in the world. Adrift in the politics, the economics, the parenting, and work. I am a self contained capsule of self hatred and loathing. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how people interact with me, I will only see the bad. I will only see the people that detract from me.I will only long for the approval of the people who are indifferent of me. I will love the people who pass up the opportunity to be in my life, and be tortured in silence when they decide to embrace someone else instead.

My heart will break when I realize I have been harboring a deep dislike for someone who did not hold the blame as I had once thought. I will hold myself personally responsible for the failings of others.

I should be stronger. I should not care what other people think. I shouldn’t care if other people don’t love me. I should pick myself up and live the life I have.

Maybe someday

I can fix you.

Derringer Meryl [passion] out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Powered by WordPress | Aeros Theme | TheBuckmaker.com WordPress Themes