Undone

Recently on a message board of mine the following absolute statement was made:

“Throwing cat = animal abuse. No matter how you look at it.

Throwing kid = child abuse. No matter how you look at it.”

I find this statement to be untrue. I throw Katie (as does Scott) onto the bed. Does that make it child abuse? And for that matter, if the cat gets tossed onto the bed, or even (heaven forbid) tossed outside because they were being annoying… is that abusive? I would say not.

I think throwing is a very subjective term. Let’s not deal in absolutes everyone. Oh and let’s not assume someone is a cat killer just because they toss their cat somewhere and it lands poorly. Sheesh.

Derringer Meryl [oh the things people say] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

<<<<  I wrote this in a steam room on my message board I go to. The only thing it’s missing are the emoticons…. which I’m too lazy to steal, and really you’re not missing much. This post doesn’t actually refer to anyone I know in real life. Mostly I would say the INTERNET has made me feel bad about my decision to have a C-section, no one i know personally. I thought I’d get that out there before I get asked “I don’t make you feel bad do i?” and the answer is no. You don’t. Trust me. Everyone I know has been VERY supportive in my choices, and I even discussed it somewhat with my mom before I chose it. If Life was perfect, things would progress differently than they do sometimes. In a perfect world I’d probably labor at home and then go to a nataloc (look it up people) and give birth and feel so proud of myself and my body. But I sacrafice my pride to protect myself, my husband and my children…. So without further ado– My C-Section Rant.>>>>

Why do I feel like…. because I “chose” to have my C-section that I should feel like I’m a bad mom. WTH?!

Like I should be apologizing that I wasn’t able to do a natural birth. I really respect people who do that, and honestly If I wasn’t such:

1)a big fat chicken
2) a previous C-section mommy
3) afraid of my own body

I probably would have done MORE to have a natural birth. But why is it that everyone looks down on C-sections? I feel like people are making C-section mommies into second class citizens. Like we don’t love our kids as much or something because we either A) chose not to or B) weren’t able to go through the labor process naturally.

And I voice my irritation at this and people say “Well you didn’t CHOOSE it, your baby was breech”

NO, that’s not true. I DID choose it. My doctor said “we can try and turn her and induce you, or we can just go for the c-section” and I CHOSE the c-section. I said “Sign me up for that!” and i didn’t realize the stigma or the crippling grief that would come from it. Will I spend the rest of my life being looked down on because of my choice? That’s disgusting! Why can’t everyone have the “I respect your decision, but that’s not the choice for me” attitude? <<Side bar, I feel that I try my best to have this attitude to other moms who choose other things. I couldn’t do a natural birth. I couldn’t, and might I add wouldn’t have my child at home… but for people who can and do, great for them!!! Not for me!>> I go to websites that I’m sure are supposed to be well meaning trying to warn women of the dangers of a C-section and why they aren’t good… and… I just feel dirty. I feel like they are spewing hate.  <<To be a bit more in detail here, I feel like I’m supposedly lazy or something because I didn’t give birth. I just had a baby. I didn’t LABOR, I didn’t WORK.  That it’s the easy man’s way out of having a baby. I can’t say! I don’t know! I haven’t done both! But I can tell you it’s not like it’s a picnic. I can remember I couldn’t lay down. My legs swelled up a lot due to the fact they were out of use for 24 hours. I have a scar and this lovely little flap of skin that hangs over it because all my skin is stretched out! Each C-section I have seals my fate as a permanent C-section mom. As much as I’d love to try natural, I cannot face the idea of a uterine rupture. Any chance is TOO big of a chance. I have even scaled back the number of children I want to have due to this risk.>>

I realize that a lot of my depression came from having a c-section last time, but at the same time I think it also came from not feeling like I was respected for the choice I made. Like I was lazy or stupid or inconsiderate for doing what I did. That my doctor (who is/was an amazing OB and always respected my feelings and wishes) was lazy and just wanted to get me out of the way.

I should not be ASHAMED to say I’ve had a c-section. I should not feel like I’m not a good mom because of the way I have given birth. Plenty of BAD mom’s, mom’s who hit and abuse and are just terrible to their children gave birth naturally. Hell. I’m sure bad moms have existed a LOT longer than the C-section has. But it’s not fair though that now days when we have so much medical knowledge, and so much tolerance for SO many things, that we as women can look down on each other for our mothering choices. Everyone thinks what they choose is right. And they are (for the most part) right! What you choose for your child is going to be more right for you, and for them, than what I could choose for them!

As much as I love and respect the opinions of the women here <<<On my Message board, not really relevant to my blog, but I do love a lot of people who read my  blog!>>>, I can’t let anyone belittle me, or the choices I have made. My daughter sleeps in a big girl bed and I put a gate in front of her door to keep her in her room. I work. I have c-sections. I breastfeed, but *gasp* only to a year.

And other moms do other things. And that’s that.

Can’t we just keep in mind that other choices don’t mean they’re bad…. they’re just different.

Derringer Meryl [People are People] Out