Undone

I’ve never considered myself weak, only kind.

However I draw the line exclusively at touching. You touch me, and i WILL react in a violent manner. I may regret it later, but no matter what, It will be violent. Tonight at work with the Mouth and a parttimer i voiced my extreme dislike for being touched….

And then promptly was touched BY the parttimer.

Let me clarify what I constitute as touching. I have a bubble. I’ve had this bubble for a long time. It surrounds me, and if you invade it, that’s okay, just get out of it fast…. that’s just invading my space. Touching means a part of YOUR body comes into contact with a part of MY body. It’s very simple.

Now, this wasn’t a simple pat on the arm. NO. This was, he slipped his arm along my back and attempted to scoot me out of the way– he did this instead of asking me to move, or more appropriately tapping me on the shoulder, he instead tried to move me forcibly by putting his arm around my waist.

Before I sound like a crazy, I know there is only about three feet behind the counter space (depth wise) and that there isnt’ a lot of space to maneuver. The occasional brush of someone against someone else is NOT unheard of. Hell, I’m used to that.

This was intentional contact, in, in my opinion, inappropriate ways. I don’t LIKE to be touched. I hate it. I told him I hated it.

Then he touched me. Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this? I do.

*shudders* I hid behind the Mouth for the most of the rest of the night. I became quiet and withdrawn. I hate being touched. Being touched reminds me of things– memories long since forgotten– I wanted to hide, i wanted to be away from the store.

For the first time in my two years and three months of working at the store, I felt uncomfortable there. Emotionally. I’ve hated my co-workers– I’ve hated my managers. I’ve hated the customers, but all the while i’ve been safe.

Now I don’t feel like it so much. I don’t know why– but it’s not safe there anymore.

Derringer Meryl [In Need of Help] Out

I had to get this out…. Before I burst … or whatever. I’ve discovered when you’re teeming with rage, it’s not really the time when you’re searching out proper english.

I’m not one of those people who are well composed when they’re angry. It’s like some sort of circle that feeds on it’s self. I’m angry at nothing, and I don’t know why… and that makes me more angry.

– I’m angry that it’s my birthday tomorrow…. and I can’t do anything because it’s sunday.

– I’m angry because i’m too stupid to ask the things I want to….

– I’m angry because I’m going to be nineteen, and I’ve never been kissed.

– I’m angry that I’m not closer with my siblings.

– I’m angry that I let my fears control my life.

– I’m angry that so many other people know where they’re going.

– I’m angry that he didn’t keep his promise.

– I’m angry that my life isn’t a fairy tale.

– I’m angry that I can’t control things. I can’t do things to control people.

– I’m infuriated at my writers block.

– I’m frustrated at my social awkwardness.

– I’m confused as to why I let my parents still make choices for me. Even more so because I don’t know what i’d do if they didn’t.

– I’m pissed that people don’t know what they’re missing out on, by passing me by. I’m psychotic, but damn, It’s fun– if you’ll just join the ride.

– I’m angry that I’m psychotic without my medication, so much to the point it seems that no one wants to be around me when i’m not on them.

– I’m angry that i’m forgotten so quickly….. and replaced even faster.

Mostly i’m angry because i’m depressed. Oh No. Not normal depressed. I’ve got to be Bi-polar. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has mood swings quite like I do. Who lets things affect me like I do. I don’t know how to distinguish whether i’m normally moody, or chemically unbalanced moody.

I’m not interested in anything. Not video games, Not Buffy, not Angel…. not even shiny Orlando Bloom-y goodness. Doesn’t seem…. intriguing. I mean it does, but I just don’t feel like it.

I’m not suicidal, so put your damn phone down. I’m not in the need of the Boystown hotline, not yet anyway. I don’t think I ever will be. I’ll just convince myself that this is some kind of punishment for my unsavory conduct.

Trust me. I’ve done enough of it to warrant God’s wrath. I dont’ think he hates me, quite the contrary, I think he’s doing this because what I’m doing is wrong. Hates the sin, not the sinner, and all that…..

Don’t try and cheer me up. It’ll just make me more angry. I don’t need your fake friendship now. Maybe you should have tried calling me more? Talking to me occasionally.

No, it wouldn’t have helped. I’m fairly sure this is a damn chemical thing. Still. Having someone to listen would be nice.

Idon’t think i’ve ever felt worse in my life. This ranks right up there after J and I broke up. I feel ugly, none of my clothes fit, and the paranoia reaches all time highs.

and….

and…. I…

I want an exercise bike.

I want to be stunningly thin.

I want to take your breath away.

I want to make every man that ever said NO to me, want to scream yes.

I want to make them take it back.

AndI’ve done it once.

And I can do it again.

Derringer Meryl [After College, then Bike] Out

Lyrics are poetry that is sung. I’m sure that’s the stupidest thing i’ve said all day– still it’s the truth, and i’m all about the truth. and i’ve been listening to this song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. And while the overall message is something that i relate to …. the broken promises, the quick replacement– i haven’t done the things that Alanis speaks of in her song… *coughs*

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

…..

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

And I feel like screaming that sometimes. What makes the other girl so much better? What is she that is so enticing. I’ll tell you what, she’s Not Interested. and that’s what makes girls interesting to boys. The conquest, the journey, and the fear. It’s a rush. And No one wants to climb (metaphorically) the same mountain twice. Good God. WHy should you have to? There’s fifty million other mountains, so– move on. Sure, there are the few people who climb Everest twice– and those are the (metaphorically) ones who get married, and stay that way. It’s more than an adventure, its a way of life.

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you’d hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you’re still alive

I may not have done everything that Alanis speaks of, but I know– that guys (as well as girls, but guys are more noted for it) promise things to get into girls (guys) pants. *laughs bitterly* I promise you that i’ll always be your friend.. Nothing you say can make me loose respect for you… Well excuse me, that’s bull shit. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no getting around it– no getting around how it’s a lie. it’s age old, and girls still fall for it. We honestly want to believe people, believe that someone loves us, only us.

God, How often is it actually true?

And I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

And how fair is it that when you need people the very most, when you most need a shoulder to cry on people conveniently leave. When you hurt the most. People tell you to suck it up and move on. Just Move On. I get the concept, but the action it’s self eludes me. Yes, because I was a liar too. I didn’t mean all of those nice things i said about you. And i”m going to prove it by picking myself up, effortlessly, and moving on to the next date…. victim. No. So I agonize for … a while. At least people know my emotion is true, it’s deep, and i’m not going to smother it for their good. Too bad.

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you [are with] her

Pick it up, move on. Love, Move. Love Move…. That’s insane. Freakishly insane. I can understand moving on. I Get that. But c’mon, intense relationships aren’t always the long ones. But society paints it out to be that you can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time…. And left is right and up is down, and there is no right direction. And it’s confusing. So I follow my heart. And it says it hurts still. It hurts because I was lied to. I was decieved. I was lead to believe that You didn’t care, and then to alleve your guilt, you told me the truth– you did care. and then he cared… and i was confused. I was scared. because no one wants me. And I can’t blame you for liking him, but God, I can blame you for telling me…. promptly after I had finally relaxed enough to believe that you DIDN’T like him.

This isn’t so much about him, as it is about your selfish-ness.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I’m not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Can I explain to you, that I love you. Like a sister. You’re my best friend– But it still hurts inside, and i’m not sure where I am at all.

And I can’t blame you for wanting him. How could you not? I blame myself. I hate Myself. Everything about me. For which there is no remedy. Someday the pain will cease. but — not yet.

I don’t want to talk about it. I jsut wanted to get it out. This isn’t a “I want to Discuss this with BOTH of you” type thing. This is a “I’ve bottled this up, and it’s not going to help me move on” type thing. Keeping inside was only infecting the whole damn emotional system. You two can snog like kittens now for all I care.

Just don’t tell me.

Derringer Meryl [Cynical] Out

Feels like i haven’t updated in years. Psh. Oh, and it’s only been a little while.

I went to work this morning expecting the day after Christmas rush, as I should, but the power was out, so… yeah… I did pretty much nothing all day. I was at work from like… eight-thirty till noon, just hanging out, as my brain slowly became… used to the gross things that Gert and the Mouth were saying.

They are not for repeating, ever. *shakes her head*

At least I don’t have to work the rest of the week– seeings as how I’m not scheduled, and … i’m kinda snowed in. Oh, but that won’t stop me from having a stripper for my birthday, damn straight.

Not really. I think i’d be frightened of a stripper, and I’d glue anything i hold near and dear down, so as to prevent them from taking a five fingered Discount. Heh. Sorry, i watched a Tru Calling where a stripper steals some stuff– and so ever since, i’ve been wary. Not to mention the idea of seeing someone nekkid…. Isn’t my idea of a good time. I’m more of the– “Watch a movie and eat pizza” type. Though, if it was with the right people, i wouldn’t mind a tickle fight, and shameless non-committal flirting. Heh. Right? How can you go wrong with that?

Okay, so i know a few ways you can go wrong with that– but– it’s okay. *feels a twinge of guilt and anger* Blah Go away.

What I do want for my birthday (cause i’m a shameless birthday ho, and i want presents. Because of the weather, i’m not getting anything from Family. They had no time to go out and get anything before the merciless weather hit) is a Berserk toy. (coughs) not that i expect it. But if someone just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday, and just say they were thinking of me on my special day, that would be alright too. I guess. 😀 Honestly, next time i go to work, i expect to get an Xbox game that was free to my manager, but he was too much of a ho-bag to distribute like he was supposed to, and is instead giving them as Christmas Presents. Mou.

Lets see. I have games to finish, a lesson to prepare, and a room that desperately needs to be cleaned….

I think i’m going to read some Fanfiction.

Derringer Meryl [Evil] Out

Merry Christmas.

Oh and for those of you, like me, who are wondering what Mou Means– it’s japanese, and it roughly means:

to mourn, to lament

Tada, aren’t i the little freak?

Right, um… well, i need to go finish watching Slayers and so… yeah. I’m pretty tired too. Not to mention I need to be up in roughly seven hours to open Christmas Presents. *smiles* Happy. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Joy To The World] Out