Undone

when it comes to relationships i’m the dumbest one

and i don’t mean just with [boys], i mean with everyone

your illustrations always point out just what’s wrong with me

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistry

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistry

Isn’t it insane the insight i’m finding today? And then again– i’m all sorts of not sleeping right. My internal clock is all screwed up….

Besides the fact it thinks i’m like… 35. that too… is also bad.

Derringer Meryl [I was never good with Chapstick] Out

*growls* I’m glad that there wasn’t any PESKY guilt or anything building up in RED’s brain about missing my birthday.

I mean, it’s not like it’s a special day, or like this is a special year or anything. It’s not like next year i’ll be out of my teens and i’ll have to be all responsible or anything. Mou. No. It’s NOTHING like that at all.

Yeah. Well, i’m sick of waiting around for her to get off her butt and decide to be my friend again.

One day out of the whole freakish year. She can screw me off the rest of the year. She can think of me as some kind of boorish whore, but my birthday, that’s my freakin’ day. MINE. *growls* and i don’t need this. I don’t need the guilty feeling when i nearly forget her birthday, and go all out anyway, and then get forgotten (second year in a row, ladies and gents) for a little boyfriend.

So you’re serious. Good for you. Huzzah. I hope you’re happy. *waves her hands* Not like …. *sighs*

and now i’m feeling guilty. I know Red is being pulled in twenty million different directions. I know she has a temp job, and she has school, and a real job, and a boyfriend, and a family, and two cute nephews…. and … ISSUES.

but then again– Sakura has a job, goes to a real college (just like Red does) has a family, and she has issues. She’s got her fingers in a bunch of different pies. JUST like Red. And HELL, i dont’ talk to her as much as I do Red– and she remembered my birthday, and even took five minutes out of work, and called. And I wasn’t asking for a damn surprise party, i was asking to be thought of.

and really, is that so much to ask? I mean– just a phone call, or something.

Mou. I guess I’m not worth the fifty cents it takes to call someone now.

Derringer Meryl [Yeah It Really Hurts] Out

Sometimes normal people say the most brilliant things. Sometimes normal people take characters and make THEM say the most brilliant things.

Sometimes the most brilliant people, are normal.

The monk shook his head, unable to look at her. “I told you to forget about it, Kagome-sama,” he said quietly. “And so it is not open for discussion.”

She felt her heart constrict in her chest. “No,” she told him. “I can’t. You can’t just tell me to stop.”

and isn’t that what i’ve been trying to say since June?

You just can’t tell me to stop.

Hardly anything works that way.

Derringer Meryl [Short Sweet, Thoughtful] Out

bwahaha! Finally, I got into my diary. I know that sounds odd, but anyone who has run a free diary on Diaryland knows that when it’s busy– sometimes you can’t write an entry. it’s slightly annoying. But then again– i’m not paying, so i don’t really have a right to complain.

worked last night. i was supposed to work with Jerkie-mc-jerkerson but he was sick and switched Monkey Schedules. It was interesting. Tho– i know monkey reads this, (and i know it, because he and i discuss things i say once ina while) I will refrain on a full commentary on what happened last night.

We were busy. Very very Busy. I took some work home because i didn’t get it done while i was AT work. and No, i didn’t get paid extra.

Now, for those of you who are upset and the wrongness of it all, me working and not getting paid…. well– i dont’ really care. Sure, it wasn’t MY fault the work didn’t get done before we closed, in fact… but whatever. It’s not like i wasn’t already going to be up till one in the morning– now i was just doing something that actually counted. 😀

Mou. I’ve been trying to figure out what i can do (sans medication…) to help myself with my depression. I hate my medication, as i’ve said multiple times before– but– i seem to be in this odd place in my life.

Where I hate everything about myself. I’d change it all, and i hate to look at myself in the mirror (hence the fact there are no mirrors in my room… that and a really scary story i was told when i was younger….) but i’m okay. i mood swing, really fast. but i’m trying to keep it in check better. Trying to speak to myself in my head to calm myself down.

i’m not a nutcase, I’m different than you– in fact, maybe you’re what’s different and my moodiness is normal. In fact, if the overwhelming amount of the general populous is depressed and moody, you’re the minority…. maybe you should bend to them…. *leers*

and i’ve come to realize that i write in this journal as i do in my physical Journal. I address someone as “you” and i never really name HERE who they are where as the physical journal has a specific person i’m writing to. It’s interesting.

I guess it’s a habit. Talking to ‘you’ but when it’s on the internet– it could be the specialist, or Dax, or Wudan– or some random person from Indonesia… or something. I know there’s someone from Pennsylvania somewhere… that reads, i’m not sure if it’s regular– but i’d like to think so. 🙂 That’s just cause i’m delusional…

Mou. It’s tuesday. For those who didn’t know…. *smiles* and we positively absolutely need a lyric spew.

Genius, Duncan Sheik

Clearly I’m a genius

If she only knew it

but somewhere in her radius

I really blew it

I know, I know what I said to her

and I know what I did

What I don’t know is how I could ever be

so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don’t really need to know every last detail.

Its hardly worth telling

suffice to say I said that I would be there

i never came through)

Maybe I’m a genius and

she just don’t see it

I fronted,

I should have admitted,

she saw right through it

I never thought that I could be

so underhanded.

somehow I’ve cornered the market on

the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius

and so many others

I know I should apologize

and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?

come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses…

Oh yeah, i’m a genius. I know it. *dances like a freak from the eighties*

Go ME!

Derringer Meryl [You don’t need to know] Out

Short Rant. Or maybe a long one, Who Knows.

Firstly. I know I whine about being lonely. And the obvious remedy would be to date people– right? Well you’re wrong. I can’t go out and find someone yet. No siree. I refuse to. Last time i was in a mind set like this, I ended up in an abusive relationship. After I got out of that, and waited a year and a half to start the next one– i was paranoid to the point i sabotaged the freakin’ thing. So… Yeah. I need to build my self confidence up before I get myself into dating.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t look. 🙂 Hee hee hee.

That’s not what is really bothering me though…

Today is my birthday. I got a resounding Chorus of “Happy Birthdays” When I went into work for a minute today– but it was only because I had called and ribbed Monkey about not knowing it was my Birthday…. despite the fact i emailed him about it being my birthday, and blogging about it, and what not… i wrote it on the schedule at work. *laughs* Poor Boy.

…. *grumbles* I got a phone call from my fellow Animegrrl, Sakura. She was at work, but remembered it was my birthday (or close to it, but she was smack dab on.) and so decided to call. That’s not the grumbly part. The grumbly part is that Red hasn’t called. Mou. She’s busy, i’m sure. I’d be all mopey about it…. but in the end, I’m probably overreacting. I mean… it’s not like I didn’t dote on her for her birthday, right??

*coughs* Fourty Bucks I wasted. Honest to Jesus.

Mou.

Derringer Meryl [All I ask is a fetching PHONE CALL] Out