Undone

I had to get this out…. Before I burst … or whatever. I’ve discovered when you’re teeming with rage, it’s not really the time when you’re searching out proper english.

I’m not one of those people who are well composed when they’re angry. It’s like some sort of circle that feeds on it’s self. I’m angry at nothing, and I don’t know why… and that makes me more angry.

– I’m angry that it’s my birthday tomorrow…. and I can’t do anything because it’s sunday.

– I’m angry because i’m too stupid to ask the things I want to….

– I’m angry because I’m going to be nineteen, and I’ve never been kissed.

– I’m angry that I’m not closer with my siblings.

– I’m angry that I let my fears control my life.

– I’m angry that so many other people know where they’re going.

– I’m angry that he didn’t keep his promise.

– I’m angry that my life isn’t a fairy tale.

– I’m angry that I can’t control things. I can’t do things to control people.

– I’m infuriated at my writers block.

– I’m frustrated at my social awkwardness.

– I’m confused as to why I let my parents still make choices for me. Even more so because I don’t know what i’d do if they didn’t.

– I’m pissed that people don’t know what they’re missing out on, by passing me by. I’m psychotic, but damn, It’s fun– if you’ll just join the ride.

– I’m angry that I’m psychotic without my medication, so much to the point it seems that no one wants to be around me when i’m not on them.

– I’m angry that i’m forgotten so quickly….. and replaced even faster.

Mostly i’m angry because i’m depressed. Oh No. Not normal depressed. I’ve got to be Bi-polar. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has mood swings quite like I do. Who lets things affect me like I do. I don’t know how to distinguish whether i’m normally moody, or chemically unbalanced moody.

I’m not interested in anything. Not video games, Not Buffy, not Angel…. not even shiny Orlando Bloom-y goodness. Doesn’t seem…. intriguing. I mean it does, but I just don’t feel like it.

I’m not suicidal, so put your damn phone down. I’m not in the need of the Boystown hotline, not yet anyway. I don’t think I ever will be. I’ll just convince myself that this is some kind of punishment for my unsavory conduct.

Trust me. I’ve done enough of it to warrant God’s wrath. I dont’ think he hates me, quite the contrary, I think he’s doing this because what I’m doing is wrong. Hates the sin, not the sinner, and all that…..

Don’t try and cheer me up. It’ll just make me more angry. I don’t need your fake friendship now. Maybe you should have tried calling me more? Talking to me occasionally.

No, it wouldn’t have helped. I’m fairly sure this is a damn chemical thing. Still. Having someone to listen would be nice.

Idon’t think i’ve ever felt worse in my life. This ranks right up there after J and I broke up. I feel ugly, none of my clothes fit, and the paranoia reaches all time highs.

and….

and…. I…

I want an exercise bike.

I want to be stunningly thin.

I want to take your breath away.

I want to make every man that ever said NO to me, want to scream yes.

I want to make them take it back.

AndI’ve done it once.

And I can do it again.

Derringer Meryl [After College, then Bike] Out