Undone

So– Yeah.

I have school today. *nods* So. *shifts her eyes rapidly* that’s…. um…. where i’ll be.

Have i ever explained to you that m y brain sucks? FIckle and shifty. I get crushes on the oddest… okay, not oddest…. but i used to be a good girl, who only went after one guy at a time… and now i’m confused. I want

I want

I WANT!!

I want to do this and that

Hey, that’s just how girls are

One slip and it’s to hell you go

So you’d better not get in my way

Yippie for Lina Inverse. She’s my hero! *frowns* I’m more like Gourry than Lina (who is a red personality, whereas Gourry is Blue… 🙂 I wish I was more like her though. I simply have no spine. But that doesn’t mean i’m not loud and obnoxious like her…. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Aspiring Lina] Out

Oooo, Beginnings! I’ve got my homework done. Huzzah. I’m done feeling all oooy gooey about last night. *tosses it out the window* however i’ve come to the decision that my dad won’t CHOOSE who I marry, and for that matter neither will Wudan, or the Specialist. *leers* I don’t know if the Specialist was joking about giving monkey the rusty saw treatment, but in any case, Monkey is one of my few friends, and i’m not about to let one of my stupid siblings ruin that for me. *rolls her eyes*

I think it’s part of the human condition to feel the need to protect your loved ones from people you feel have the capability to hurt them. 🙂 It’s a nice thought guys, but shove off, you didn’t protect me from anything when i needed you to, and now, your “I’m your older brother and i need to protect you from all the bad guys in the world” act is not only bothersome, it’s over done. You care, you’ll back me up in my defiance from what some people in the house have done. Cause when it comes down to it, I’m not Wudan. I don’t plan on being LIKE Wudan. I don’t plan on being the Specialist, or Daxero, or anyone else but me. I know the rules, I know where to go, what to do, and what MY goals are. So, basically…. be supportive. I was of you. I had all the faith in the world in The Specialist and his wife. I defended their right not to go to church, if they so chose. I blatantly told my father that i did not want to discuss their worthiness to go to the temple. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t. It’s not my issue, It’s not something I Need to know. As for Wudan and His wife, well, I’m one of their greatest allies, because honestly, we aren’t winning any points by shoving religion into their gullet. *shrugs* I’m really into this whole AGENCY Thing i heard about at church. I live the way i want to. I get my blessings, and my short comings, and stuff happens. Same with everyone else. Some people aren’t ready for church or religion, and some are.

Some are just being rebellious brats. IN any case, it’s everyone’s own choice to do what they want. And so they do….

*smiles* And I do what I want to– except, it seems like even my own siblings are beating me back down. I mean, the old standard of “I’m older so I can do this, and you’re younger so you can’t.” doesn’t hold up so much anymore. Ya know? I deserve to date who I want. Wudan got to. Why not me? heck, and mine are even members of the church, they just aren’t active. I guess it’s because i’m a girl, right?

Anyway, it’s time for the lyric spew– because I want to… 🙂

In the inspired Karaoke-ness of today (Gert is having a Karaoke Party … no i wasn’t invited, but i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.) we get a song, that would be great for Karaoke!

Falls apart Sugar Ray

She falls apart by herself

No ones there to talk or understand

Feels sustained, dries here eyes

Finds herself, opens the door inside

People see right through you

Everyone who knew you well

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

Hold, hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

You walk along by yourself

There’s no sound, nothing is changing

Been gone away, left you there

Emptiness is nothing you can’t share

All those words that hurt you

More than you would let it show

Comes apart, by yourself

All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Sometimes we’ll feel around and this dance instead can’t be down

All the sound of me on my own

Any sound of me again it’s time away surround around a friend

I know where I know where no where to runaway

She falls apart, no one there

Hold her hand, it seems to disappear

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Runaway Runaway

Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away

But your leaving today, but your leaving today

Derringer Meryl [She Falls apart] Out

One last thought for the week.

I was shopping today at Sears (I had to do my best not to call it “THE SEARS” … heh) and I saw a couple being cute, and holding hands, crossing the street together, the guy jumped and was being comedic, while the girl just extended her hand, and their fingers interlaced. It was very simple, nothing extensive. I have to say I only saw them for a moment, maybe two. But I was impressed, to the point i can still recall it.

I was thinking to myself:

“Why don’t i have that kind of thing in my life? Why am i not happy with someone, instead of happy by myself?”

After pondering it for a moment or two, I came to the realization that i don’t deserve that kind of happiness yet. I mean my friend Hikergrrl, deserves every shade and color that happiness comes in. She’s had some really shibby stuff happen to her. I mean some down in the dumps sad stuff…. i won’t go into it, cause it’s not my place, but she got married, and she’s really young, and what not, but if anyone deserves that kind of happiness, and that kind of comfort, it’s her.

Then I think of me. I’ve had NOTHING quite as bad happen to me. I haven’t had any LARGE tribulations, nothing of note, or anything. Maybe i’m not thinking hard enough– but — i don’t deserve to smile and hold someone’s hand. I don’t deserve the brite shades of happiness that love comes in. And in the end, I think God will send someone to me when i’m good and ready.

When I’m deserving of the love i can get from being married to someone who wants to be with me forever.

Derringer Meryl [my two minutes and forty one seconds] Out

Oh. MY HECK!

Okay, it’s not really that. I’m just really really having an excellent day. Uber great. Honest. The Mouth was nice, Gert was charming, and even Monkey got in on the making me happy action….

That could be misconstrued, but i didn’t mean it THAT way. *sighs* Nope. Sure, there was poking fun (where we play a game of poking tag, that’s pretty much it.) and he attempted to do… *coughs oddly* Um– Stuff to my spine… I resisted. *bats away the bad Monkey thoughts* No more! We’re just friends! *Leers at her brain* No more bad thoughts, *mutters something about monkey* Got it brain? Good.

I haven’t been feeling swell. Got Morning sickness (in the strictest sense that i’m sick in the morning, DUH! I’m not some slut girl, okay? Sheesh) I get all on nerves when i’m around Gert, and giggle like a freakish mad-woman. I guess i can’t help how cute he is, and how he acts– 🙂 Right??

*brain does things* Stop IT! I said no more of that, OKAY? Sheesh. Just when you think you have a hold of your brain, you don’t — at all. Meh, Who am I kidding. I have no control over my brain at all. *nods* It’s quite… frustrating.

I got a new addition to my name tag at work (it was feeling lonely at the absence of Monkey’s ring (friendship ring, thanks….)) It’s a little sign that says “Hot” and then beneath that it says “Really Hot Chick, Alright, Giggidy Giggidy!” It’s pretty awesome, and I got it from the Mouth, to add to the shock value, right? I put a similar sticker on Monkey (like actually ON him, his shirt to be exact.)

Ya know, before, like a few months ago, i would have been thinking “Where does this put us? What is going on between us? Does he like me? Does he want to be my boyfriend??” and honestly, that kind of stuff begins to wear and tear at your mind– so now I don’t think about that. Or anything. I go for the funny. it’s funny to poke Monkey and the Mouth. It’s just fun to hear them make noises, or react… 🙂 I like it.

I’m still scared as of yet to poke Gert. I’m a chicken, I’m scared, so there.

Oi– But Gert and Monkey wear the same cologne… and it drives me insane.

Derringer Meryl [Giggidy Giggidy!] Out

I must be a drama queen, for how exaggerated i make my problems. I mean, I describe it how i see it, but you know, the whole perspective thing. I’m really close to my problems. I’m sure to God or someone like him, who is omniscient, well… i’m sure they’re laughing. I’m not so sure God would laugh, mainly because He seems to be much nicer than that. *nods*

I got my eyes checked today. I got contacts too. Well. Contact. My one eye is really pretty bad (bad enough to correct them from the glasses prescription that i wear) and it’s only the one eye… so i only wear one contact…. which is weird. I have to admit, i’m the first in my family to attempt the whole contacts thing, and it’s not exactly my dream come true either. I take the contact out, i wet it with solution, then hold my very tiny eye open (the lady who taught me how to do all ofthis told me that my eyes were really small, so i take her word for it….) and i have to be sure not to blink, because then i’d have to start all over again… which sucks. Then Once I actually get it on my eye, i have to pull my eye lid over it, so i don’t accidentally blink it off of my eye again. Then I have my eye closed, and i press (ever so gently) to let all the air bubbles out, and that’s it, for putting it in anyway. Oh, and you’d think that taking it out would be fifty times easier, right? Not so. Take into consideration, that in order to have depth perception you have to have TWO eyes. So then you’re pulling the contact over to the edge of your eye, and SUPPOSEDLY pulling it from your eye with your thumb and pointer finger. YEAH RIGHT! It took me forty five minutes to get it out, because once i got the lens slid over, i couldn’t see to get the contact OUT! It was frustrating. Very much so. *sighs* But i just need to get used to it…. i’m sure.

I’m very tired. So VERY VERY Tired. I spent time in a room with a BUNCH of people (more than I can count) and some of them smelled like Lunchables, I swear. I hate people…. I do ….. not them…. Oi. It’s hard to explain. I don’t hate people themselves, I hate the things they do…

Derringer Meryl [Contact Fiasco] Out