Undone

Today sucks. My contact went down the drain.

I couldn’t possibly be more irritated, but hey, there’s still a chance of running into staples while i’m shopping, right? Of course. And God Knows that would make me the happiest girl ever….. *Frowns horribly*

This whole day sucks. And loosing your contact and not swearing about it, sucks MORE.

Derringer Meryl [Can’t swear if I wanna] Out

How many people hold on to a love that can never be– because their lover (which can mean more than just the sexual connotation… for all of you who are half as dirty as I am.) has fled from them. For which ever reason…. there are so many– With words, for a known reason, or without. I can’t imagine not knowing. Not knowing why someone would never want to love you– couldnt’ love you, refused to love you–

Makes a person die a little inside — knowing that someone isn’t willing to risk their heart for them. I know i live life with my heart. I’m the queen of empathy, sympathy, and just– loving. I love life. *smiles secretively* There was a time you wouldnt’ hear me say that. There are good moments, and good FOR you moments. Where you grow– and learn, and that’s where life is. You remember the happy times with fond remembrance, but you embrace the difficult times to increase the strength within you.

You can’t hide from the pain in life. You can’t hide from the death, or the heartbreak. You can try to avoid it– but it eventually finds you. No matter how secluded you are from the world. And you can hate the pain– you can hate all of it– but it doesn’t make it better. It’s like putting salt on an open wound. It burns– and it stings, and it’s general pain, that you cause yourself on purpose. No– hiding definately isn’t the answer for things in life you dislike.

Embrace the painful moments– then move on…

I’m not saying revel in them. I”m not saying enjoy the death of a loved one– but remember them. DOn’t wallow in your pain…. don’t extend it. Feel it. Feel all of it. Every area and extent– and then move past it. Feel the heartbreak, feel the betrayal– but take it, and learn from it. Don’t close yourself off from the world because the world hurts you– but embrace it …. feel sad, lounge in your pajamas for a few days. Eat a carton of Ben and Jerry’s then move on.

Reminisce. Remember the good. Remember the bad. Especially the bad…. it helps you make right choices. Not to avoid the bad– just to make wiser choices in your life.

Derringer Meryl [Someday, I want a prince charming] Out

is it just my imagination, that if you get away from an addiction, and even flirt with the idea of going back to it, it’s got you in a grip tigher than one of JLo’s dresses?

Yeah. That’s the way it is. It sucks you back in. *sighs*

Poor Mouth. The Mouth. The Mouth I hate and usually despise, or at least loathe. (At the Very Least) He got ditched by his girlfriend after them spending two years of their life together. I guess he really didn’t see it coming. *shakes her head* I wish heartbreak on no one. Being betrayed like that…. can hurt worse than anything. *frowns* I’ve had my own share of “I care, he doesn’t” relationships. It’s really rather annoying. I did one relationship like that for ten months and nearly killed myself (no joke), so the idea of doing it for two whole years, and then having to live– it’s hard. Apparently she just wants to see if what they have is real– like to see if their relationship will last.

I think that’s crap. I think it’s stupid to back away from a perfectly fine relationship and say “Hey, want to screw this up as much as we can by dating other people??” I mean YEAH you’re going to be attracted to other people. Good Grief. I mean, Even during my relationships I find other people attractive, I just don’t chase any tail. IT’s how it goes. So the idea of splitting up a successful relationship because you “aren’t sure if it’s working” is some lame scape goat excuse so you can get out of a relationship you’re obviously afraid of.

Buckle down, Batten the Hatches, and face your FREAKISH fears, okay? I’m afraid of going to college. Like going there. Being there makes me ill. Passing people on the walkways makes me depressed, and going to class takes a will of Iron (I have a will of Aluminum foil, so I dont’ go to class) But in January, I’m going to go full time. I’m buckling down, and i’m doing it. I don’t wanna, but I hafta. So there. Do it. Do what you don’t want to.

I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship, and I’m not saying stay in a relationship where there’s no chemistry, but don’t bail because you’re bored. Trust me if you’re bored, your significant other, is five times as bored as you. Spice things up, try something new. And if you’re BOTH still bored, seek some help–

Giving up is for Sissies.

Derringer Meryl [stupid vortex of love] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out

Oi. Drama Drama!! *dances* I love a good scandal. But that’s just because i’m a little … rude, and cruel.

Yeah, that must be it. I was reading the back of the FFX-2 box, and it says that she’s searching for her friend that maybe in danger… whatever. FRIEND?? I always thought of her and Tidus as more than friends ever since they took that late night swim together in the game (If you havent’ gotten that far, sue me. You’re obviously not going to get there by the time you get FFX-2)

*hmph* I swear to God that back must have been written by a man. I can almost guarentee it. No one else would use the word “Friend” when they mean “Lovers”

Honestly. What a freak. *mutters* I don’t know what is about the male gender and their slip up with that word. *leers* Never ever use that word. Ever. And like I say about most things, if you say it, mean it. No one likes to be promised things that can’t come true. No one likes to hear lies to make them feel better. If i wanted to be lied to, I’d ask for it. straight out. I’d say “Honey, Does this dress make me look fat?” I’d see the hesitation in a guys eyes and say “Lie to me to make me feel better.” Honest. If it’s a tough question, but you know that the lie wont’ hurt anything, and i mean KNOW that the lie won’t hurt anything… do it. I’m evil for saying it… but it’s called being polite. I don’t want to hear that you want to be my friend instead of my boyfriend– if you find me repulsive, say it. I’d rather hear that than try to keep up a friendship that i’m only investing in, because i thought YOU cared.

It’s no use, Trying to make up for it now. Just turn a new leaf over, and do what you need to. But If you want to end a relationship, and it’s going no where, and you can’t stand the other person, don’t say “Can we Just be friends?” because that’s false hope. It’s a lie. It’s crap. Like telling someone they can breathe underwater, and then when they can’t telling them that they must be doing something wrong. Use your brain… Usually you’ll figure out which is better– Lying, or telling the truth.

Oh, and not better for you. Cause contrary to your belief, life isn’t all about you. Or Me. So — do something nice for someone else, who cares if it screws YOU over. *shrugs* No one cares anyway.

Derringer Meryl [Bluntness is as Bluntness does] Out