Undone

….. in a odd and depressing kind of way.

It’s getting cold around these parts again, and in my conversations, I say “I just wear my hoodie to bed, it keeps me warm….” and it makes me sad, that for the 18/19th year of my life, i’m sleeping alone. Cold. *hangs her head in shame* I need to move my bed away from the window.

That’ll at least take away the cold from the outside. My heart’ll be cold for a good time yet, i do believe.

*sighs* Yeah, so I’m odd. I finally get the guts up to go and interview at a company, and now it looks like i may get the job, and i’m not sure i want it anymore. I’m not sure i want to leave my store now, for this unstable one. And it scares me. I’m so nervous and frightened… and i’m so unsure. *laughs* that’s a perfect segway into stuff we just aren’t going to cover here. Hee hee.

Oh! I finished watching Berserk today. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, especially not people who want to watch something with their kids. Good God, NO! Watch it with your wife, or loved one, you’ll get lots of cuddles because of the excessive amounts of blood. *smirks* good thing.

I went craft shopping today. and being there made me want to die. I know, warm fuzzy of the post, i’m sure. I just… i hate being there, because i feel like i’ve lost everything, everyone i love. And so being there only makes it worse…. because i make things (crafts, food, n stuff) for the people i love. and they all seem so far away. and everywhere i turned, i sadly thought of someone i feel i lost because of my own stupidity. And everywhere i go in town, i have memories. I don’t know how other people live iwht it. the pain of knowing you lost someone you held dear to your heart, because of your own moronic tendencies. *eyes glaze over* I better go before I die.

Derringer Meryl [i’m not eating dinner] Out

*hums* I’m stuck in a horrid place. Leaving my job, where all of my nearby friends are, to get better pay. To me, my job isn’t just for the money, I don’t stay there for how much I get paid… no, i stay because i like the people i work with, they matter to me. I’m one of the last of a dying breed at my work… i have the second highest Seniority, and i’m throwing it all away–

on the chance that i might be able to make things better if i leave. Between Monkey and i, and between Gert and I. I need things to be better. *frowns* because i feel like the last of my friends are slowly slipping through my hands, and anything i try to do will make it worse. Only make them go faster…. ya know?

So, like the coward i am, i’m running. running from a situation that makes me hurt inside…. that brings me down and makes me cry when i wake up from the nightmares it causes me….

Once I dreamt that i was reaching out and i touched monkey on the arm, and he slapped my hand away, and yelled “Never touch me again!” and– it bothered me. Deeply. I don’t think i’m in love with him, and i don’t think i ever was, i was mistaken…. I loved the way he made me feel about myself. How relaxed and open i was around him…. but– i didn’t love him. Don’t love him. I’m not a brave enough to love someone who doesn’t love me. I’m a coward that way.

That doesn’t mean i’ll ever stop caring. Ever.

And I wish I was living underneath Red’s bed, cause then i could be there for her, but i’m guessing, if i was there, i’d be more of a distraction than a help. *shrugs* I’m a distractive type girl. *smirks* and it’s hard, for either of us, and i’m sure the many others like us who graduated this past year, to know what to do. How to function….

I never thought of myself as a social girl. In fact, you won’t find me being social unless someone makes me… like red used to… I never did anything bad, or anything at all for that matter, before i met her. *smiles as she passes her ball of yarn to Red* I said what i meant, and I meant what i said, I’ve admired you and your abilities since the day i met you. You were always shining brightly, no matter where you were. You’re brave and confident, and you say what is on your mind, and stand for what you believe in. You’re an amazing woman. Simply Amazing. You can make it through anything. I know you can.

Derringer Meryl [just the way you look tonight] Out

I want everyone’s opinions. I always ask, because honestly, i always want to know. *shrugs* its something i like. To know everyone’s different positions on things. I like to figure out how people think through their opinions, where they stand on issues and stuff.

I get my kicks in the oddest ways. 🙂

and i’m sure you don’t care, but you want to know what makes me OH so VERY VERY angry? When people are bugged by something you do, but won’t tell you. I wish people would. If i’m doing something QUITE right, or if something i’m doing is bugging you, tell me. Phrase it in a way that’ll make me want to at least want to change, such as: “When you cuss, I feel bad.” (It’s an example, sue me) as opposed to “Stop cussing, or i’ll cut your tongue out.” See, the first one is friendly, and a request, whereas the second a demand, or even a threat.

Good Grief. Asking nicely never hurt anyone…. well except people who were trying to welsh on a bet. heh.

Derringer Meryl [So I cry and I pray and I beg] Out

Day Sucks. Life sucks. stuff sucks. *sighs* i’m going to be a big girl, and pick myself up, and move on. I don’t have time to waste on this. I don’t have a life to waste on this. I can’t spend my life loving him, when there are so many others, so willing…

so ready..? and I don’t know what his obsession with picking girls who are in serious relationships. I dont’ know why he can’t love me– why it can’t be something special– why life has to turn this way. But i’m sure that someone else who knows more than me– knows that we can’t be together, and is doing this to keep it right. *frowns* This has to be right. I have to put all my faith in the fact that this is right,

so much in my life is changing now. My Job, my heart. I can’t …

i can’t bear to watch, to go, to move. and it hurts. physically. Change hurts me physically. My legs hurt, and my head hurts. and i jsut want to die inside.

So lyric spew. Think Twice, Eve6

When all is said and done

And dead does he love you

The way that I do

Beathing in lighting

Tonight’s fighting

I feel the hurt so physical

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around come around no more

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around no more

She spreads her love

She burns me up

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

I’ve said enough

Enough by now

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

Wait till the day you finally see

I’ve been here waiting patiently

Crossing my fingers and my t’s

She cried on my shoulder begging please

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around come around no more

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around no more

She spreads her love

She burns me up

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

I’ve said enough

Enough by now

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

What is it you really want

I’m tired of asking

You come wasted

When I showed up and he was there

I tried my best to grin and bear

And took the stairs but didn’t stop at the street

And as we speak I’m going down

Cause she spread her love

And burnt me up

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

I’ve said enough

Enough by now

I can’t let go

I can’t get out

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around come around no more

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around I’ll let you feel the burn

Think twice before you touch my girl

Come around no more

Derringer Meryl [thinking fifty times] Out

So it’s late, and I have stuff to do in the morning (i’m trying to be better about swearing, because some of my readers get offended apparently. psh) but i just read Red’s blog, and it’s nice to know she misses me.

I know i’m not captain enthusiastic on the phone, but maybe it’s because i feel shittier after talking to her, because she’s not here, and it has to end because she has school, and work, and things. And I get that. I have things.

I’m lying. I have no things. *frowns* I never leave my house. I want so desperately for someone to take me out. I could go out, but it’s always with my mom, or with my brother…. and i just want to be with someone who isn’t blood related to me…. but not like fifty of them who ignore my existence (ala Math Class) it’s so lonely stuck here in my house. and i do miss Red so VERY much. She is my partner in crime. And I admit, so is my mom, but the crimes with Red are… *sly look* so much more… fitting to my age.

and i’m not exactly the queen of the making friends world. I mean, I don’t have to be at school, if i don’t want to be, and LORD do i not want to be. I hang out at work, but i think they find me lame. *shrugs* I find myself in a sticky place there. Split. Like part of me wants one thing, but part of me wants another. And as far as I can see, i’m getting screwed either way. Yes, I am getting HOSED as far as the social situation at work. I want Monkey, he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, at all. and I have no clue– but Gert seems interested, but i have the flirt radar of a inanimate object. I’m screwed. Oh So very hosed. *frowns* I hate that.

And I miss going places with Red. I miss going out. I miss getting mad with her, and eating Ben and Jerry’s while drooling over hot guys. It was something we did…. and i haven’t done it with anyone else, ever.

And I hate the world. For telling us we have to grow up. Saying “Learn, you’ll be better for it.” I know when they teach in college. It’s like Scraping by 101, or Lying 101, or even boozing it and still going to class 101.

how is this worth the money you’re spending? Sure, some people come out of College smarter…. but how many? And it’s completely screwed up, that people can’t get jobs. Good workers, being layed off, and they have the knowledge they need for the job, but there’s no job to have. Cause the people at the top are clinging to what they “need”.

Oh Muffy, I simply must have that platinum golf cart, it’s adorable. Good God, Scrimp, do without your fucking luxuries, for the good of the damn nation. Jerks. So why spend Thousands, and possibly go into debt, for an education that isn’t going to help you get job in the struggling economy anyway?

Seems like a waste to me.

Derringer Meryl [angry, 24/7/365] Out