Undone

So I went to the High School/Family Reunion. I was there for like, an hour … maybe less, and that’s fine, because I felt sorta… mopey today. mopey: to give oneself up to brooding : become listless or dejected Yeah. I’m the brood queen. I’m a poof, and what not. (in the strict sense that I’m all … like Angel)

Yeah. Uber weird day. I don’t know how to explain it but, total drain on the brain. My poor friend who had her b/f committed, came into work crying her eyes out, because her boyfriend’s mom just ripped her to shreds. She was always a really laid back girl and now things like this are happening to her.

I don’t know where she got the bad kharma… but i feel bad for her.

*sighs* Then there’s me. I tend to focus on me, a lot. Especially in this journal, but then i figure, it’s my journal…. DUH! *shrugs* Red’s leaving at the end of the week. Makes me sad. *frowns* She’s my doll. One of the two people i’m currently addicted to, and she’s going off to college, of course she’s mainly focusing on her boyfriend, and what he thinks about her going off and exploring the wide world of… University. I don’t blame her. I’ve been in the happy place where all there is in the world is you and your guy (or if you’re a guy then you and your gal…. or if you have alternative lifestyles… whatever, you get the picture.) and you’re happy. All the time. *sighs*

Then, after that month of happiness is over, you get sad and dejected. Until you move on to the next person. *shrugs* I guess. I miss the happy. That’s why bitter people hate happy people, because they want to be them. Want to smile and feel that joy inside of them…. but instead they feel empty and cold. Nothing feels quite right without the other person.

and you end up trying to fill your life with something else…. like scrubbing carpets, or writing witty but unrealistic stories. *laughs* Okay. So I fill my hours with that kind of stuff, and yeah, it is because i’m pathetic…

don’t TRY to talk me out of it… i am, pathetic that is, i’m brooding over *shakes her head* I’m brooding because Red is in a relationship, and i’m not. Beyond that, I don’t have any DESIRE for her relationship (ie the guy she’s with) but i want one of my own.

Like i’m going to find it in my parents basement. Right. *spaces off* I just want to live– and my quality of living my life isnt’ school or writing. I know what i want.

But see, I’m not lucky. I don’t know what it is that all the other girls from my school have (or at least a good portion of them) that I dont’. The capability to have a relationship that lasts… Like my friend Bob, she and her boyfriend (Yes, her name is Bob, we call her that… her name is TOO popular to call her by it.) have gone out two years now. It’s maddening. My Friend Scarlett and her boyfriend have been going out for three…. *sighs* And I score the record high with nine months. And he didn’t even take me on a date.

Jerk…. *sighs* I’m pathetic.

Derringer Meryl [never look back] Out

Whoa. I mean WHOA.

Ever feel like you’re the old lady on the road of life? Like everyone else is zooming by while you’re stuck trying to figure out what the hell classes to take for your freshmen year in college even though you have to be registered and going by next week.

i worry. I worry a lot. I’m going in the slow lane and people are zipping past me like crazy and I can’t do anything to control what’s going on in my life. Cause just like high school, i have to go to college no matter if i want to or not. It’s not so much that i don’t want to go and learn, i just don’t know what i want to learn, or when or why, or anything.

and things happen to people. Crazy things, with sharp implements, and … happy things with other people that they care about… and unhappy things, scary and just plain life shattering things.

and I sit here, with my car stalled on the side of the road. Watching all these people I care about, get into accidents, and get married and … move and go to college and … all of this stuff, just great and horrid stuff, that changes them for the btter, and makes them learn and grow, and i’m stuck

I dont’ know why i’m stuck at the side of the road. I do things, I try to go to college, and i try to be social, but even when i’m there, it feels liek i’m watching. I’m waiting for an accident, or a happy thing, so i can help, and be happy with them, or cry with them, it’s like my life, is their life.

I live vicariously through my friends?

*sighs* Damn. I am the old person in the slow lane. I’ve aged like… twenty years, and i’ve missed all the fun stuff in life. Like… getting married and having kids, and …. growing up with someone I love.

Tomorrow my friends and I are having a little Bon Voyage Party, because everyone starts to leave for their own colleges this week, and i’m like the Xander of the group… i just sorta drift now. I’ll always be there, but i’m not doing much, not making much out of my life… But steady.

I dont’ know how to explain it without sounding like an after school special.

Life gets too complicated, too quickly. I thought i had it bad when I didn’t know what to do with Monkey sometimes…. how to act and what not,

i have friends aching for something that small to be their crisis. My Friend checked her Boyfriend into the psych ward, and his mom’s gone berserk.

I’m so amazed. And speechless. And proud. She’s had to grow up really quick recently. I’m so happy to see her… growing in ways i didn’t think she would ever have to.

What a day. and it’s about to start all over again.

Amazing

Derringer Meryl [and he walked away] Out

I haven’t really slept in over a week, except for today. I came home from …. I think it was the Game Crazy, or did i go somewhere after? I don’t know, but i slept until… nearly eleven.

Exhaustion…. Deathly helpful.

Currently listening to: My angry music. Okay, so I tell people, angry music, makes me feel better. And it does, sometimes, and other times– it makes me more angry. Right now, i think it’s helping me from going insane and doing things not so … helpful to me. *smirks* Red, i think you know what i’m talking about….. maybe ;D. Who knows. I’m barely coherent.

I was thinking today as i made my cookies…. (For Marco) about how some addictions aren’t that bad. Like the addiction to air. I mean I can’t live without it. [addict: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively] Yeah, that. I get addicted to people, but unlike heroine or crack, you can’t go pick it up off the street for a pretty penny. When you’re addicted to somebody, they can say NO, and walk away.

It hurts.

And that person never sees you when you aren’t getting a fix. They don’t know what you’re like when you’re strung out and not getting what you need. Oh but people can vouch. I’m addicted to a lot of people. Like Red. When she went to DC I nearly killed Staples. Poor Poor Staples. *spaces for a few minutes*

And I mean, there’s nothing you can do, you can’t get help for something like that. Cheeze and crackers. If I told my therapist that i thought i was addicted to people (in a non-sucking their blood sense) she’d probably send me off to the looney bin.

How un-helpful.

And my kidneys hurt, for some reason. *shrugs* i’m sure i’ll understand in the morning.

I was discussing with Marco how people have been irreversibly screwed up through televsion and the media. I mean, you see Orlando Bloom so much and then you sorta start to want to… like… marry him, or possibly screw him, or something. And back in the day, that didn’t happen. You knew like five people your age and of the opposite sex. They were your choice for sexual fantasies, or whatever. I’m not even sure people back in the day HAD sexual fantasies. *shrugs* But see, no one talked about it. I mean, if you thought keeping up with the Jones’ was hard in the fifties, try knowing about their sex life and THEN keep up with them. *sighs* Sure, sharing is caring, but for the love of God, keep something to yourself.

I mean i don’t NEED to know the last time Angelina Jolie had sex, and with who… and it’s her right to share, but i dont’ like to hear about it. Besides that, I’ve seen more of her body than I have of my own, and i’m DAMN sure i didn’t want to.

this is the blessing of the television. I know these things because of it. Entertainment rules our lives, and we want to think that we own it, and that we’re it’s master, but in all honesty, we’re our Id’s bitch at this point in time. It says “I want to Get laid, NOW” and so we do who ever is near by. Think i’m lying? I’m not. My Id has tried it, tried to pull stuff like that on me. I’m just… over active thought pattern.

How else could i live and be so pure? Ah yes, the thinking… a curse… and sometimes a blessing. How I hate thee thinking.

Oh, Yeah, did i tell you? i’m a closet Britney spears fan. I hate myself….

Derringer Meryl [Something…. uninhibited] Out

is it possible to be unearthly tired and energized beyond all belief, at the same time? The way I feel right now, that’s it. Like all I want to do is sleep, and probably never EVER wake up, but it’s like… i’m going insane. I’m just… so tired, that I can’t sleep. And i can’t say i hate it. I got my pillow cases done, and I did the dishes, scrubbed the rug in the living room, wrote a preface to my book, and cataloged some of my poetry… not to mention wrote a huge email to Marco about how … oh, nevermind.

i’m just like … i don’t know. I imagine this is how a meth-addict feels … like … wired all the time. Like someone stuck your hand on a live power line and you’re just jitterin’ until it stops, and you don’t know when that’s going to be.

*sighs* If ever.

I decided the Journal that Red gave to me is dedicated to Eliza story ideas. I wrote the beginning to my story in there…. it’s obviously going to need to be done, and re-done, and done again… and what not….

AHA! I knew i wasn’t crazy. There is a song by a group called “Cracker” and the song is Low. I’m SO happy! Cause i mean, sure i’m a little crazy, but pshaw, i’m not crazy enough to make up a whole song in my head.

Right?

Of course. Anyway. I have to do something more now, I”m thinking about scrubbing the shower, or maybe I should read a fan fiction… i think it’s because i can’t bite my nails… I tried to even lick my fingers off today at lunch at Red’s house (she’s leaving for college this week :'() and got a mouth full of nasty fingernail polish…. stupid fingernails.

Right. So I’m going to.. .uh, Go read or something now, anything to make me not so…..

Antsy

Derringer Meryl [I wrote her off for the tenth] Out

I have to be up and ready to go by seven, to go march in a parade. For three hours. In the HOT HOT HOT sun. Which hates me. and I imagine i have to walk straight. Which I can’t do if I’m not awake. I can’t be awake because …. i haven’t gotten decent sleep in a while.

anyway. I have to wear shorts tomorrow. and to wear shorts one has to have shaved legs, and I don’t. so i’m cutting this short to go do that. Because… i have to wear shorts and my legs resemble that of a hobbit….

Hobbit Name: Primula Bunce of Brockenborings

Elven Name: Ireth Felagund (Could it Be more Ugly?)
Derringer Meryl [Hobbit Legs] Out