Undone

thought i’d get in here before the ten o’clock rush. Ya know, every one realizes how depressed they are at 10 pm GMT. So here i am, a little ahead of schedule, at nine thirty.

whatever, i’m just sitting here, at my computer, slightly confused, a little floundering, and …

floundering in what you say? a sautee of emotions, what else? i’mjust sitting here, slightly confused as to what I’m supposed to do next in life, obviously a better job, since GS pays like jack, not to mention they UNDER pay me…. that’s another post all together. So there’s that– but it’s like– this is my last summer vacation. The last time I’ll ever have to be like– kid-like, and not be called immature. I want to go and do something….. just for fun, with someone who isnt’… (no offense Mom, I love ya) my mom. I want to go and hang out, and just be a kid.

I haven’t had enough opportunities to be a kid. Unfortunately, I’ve burned too many bridges– or didn’t build very good ones in the first place. So, I feel a little lonely, despite the fact i’m also floundering in the warm fuzzies of what could be a new relationship.

*laughs* My boss asks me yesterday “So how are things with you and Monkey?” and I say “Good.”

“Good?” He repeats raising his eyebrows. I knit my eyebrows and say, “Yeah.” he looks confused for a minute.

“Are you guys like dating now?” I become very flustered and paranoid as well as frustrated because the answer is “I don’t know.”

Honest. I have no sort of relationship depth perception. I don’t know, maybe that’s why i screw up so much, even with my friends. If people said what they meant, to the person they meant to say it to, life would be so much more simple.

Like I practice what I preach.

Derringer Meryl [He looks straight ahead] Out

Happiness all around.

Red has a guy friend from the net, whom she is totally and completely crushing on, I got a new pair of pants and two new shirts for all my trouble at work, and —

despite the fact that I don’t have new job, and I still live at home…. I’m happy. I mean how can I not be? My best friend is happy, and slightly link-ed-ish, so that’s happy news!

Oh and the new picture on the diary. Right. I got it from Eden (Click the artist link at the top, it’ll take you to Jason Chan’s website) and I goofed with it a little, hope Jason doesn’t mind…. ^_^;;

I’m working on finishing off my real journal soon, only fifty or so pages left. It makes me feel so GREAT when i finish a journal off. The next one I want to look like a comic book, it’s spiral bound and has Cat Woman on the front. It absolutely love it. It’s probably going to be my most colorful Journal yet.

I’m so happy, I went to (I really need to spend time thinking of nickname’s for my friends… this takes too long.) I’ll call him Monkey, because the monkey on my desk has the same name has him. ;D Well for the first time I went to his house sans Marco. It was nice, not that I didn’t get the grill when I got home because I went to his house (hello, with permission) and my mom forgot to ask if anyone else would be there. *sighs* It’s the catch-phrase of the moment, but I need to move out.

I know, maybe i’ll take some little certification classes like Excel and some other programs, and see what I can do. People want experience, and if I can be all certified, it’s certainly a start. I’m not sure if i’m into the whole college thing, I just want to write, and I want people to listen, I don’t know if I have to spend fourty years at college for that, or if i need to send my manuscripts to Oprah. whatever, i just need to get on the ball.

Priorities

– Get a Good Job, Pays well

– Get a Car, Point a to b, runs etc.

– Move OUT, preferably sans roommate in the traditional roommate-ie sense.

There ya go. What I need to do. Sure, I’d like to take a few classes at the college, just because the college experience…. well, I think If I experience more things then my readers will be able to relate to me more.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Teach Me Yoda] Out

I’ll never understand the thought pattern of my parents. Sure, someday I will, or at least hope to be, a parent. But I don’t get my parents.

So I’m semi-like seeing this guy. I’m not sure what it is, and right now, i’m just enjoying the fun and the being swept away by the warm fuzzies. It’s what I do. I’ve never been in a relationship (friends or otherwise) where I can be so relaxed that I just enjoy everything for face value. I don’t analyze everything to death and back…. I’m just– me. And It’s nice, with the sweeping and the light flirtatious-ness. It’s very, refreshing since I’ve just came out of a very serious relationship (See, High School, re: the hatred of) and it’s nice. It’s uber nice.

then I get all these heavy feelings. My mom and dad are all captain disapproval (of what i’m not sure) I’m not even sure if they disapprove, or if their just captain bring down. I’m just going a little insane while i’m keeping it light with him, my parents are all “He’s not active and blah blah blah.” Yeah, so it matters to me, but right now, I’m not wanting to think about it.

I don’t know how to explain it, and it’s really crazy since this is me, and what not, but i’m not planning a marriage, i’m living in the now for once in my FRIGGIN’ life, and enjoying it. I’m enjoying every bit of it. I’m thinking about how nice it feels to cuddle, and not how to plan my wedding reception.

And they keep hounding me, and i’m beginning to become annoyed. *laughs* we were watching BUffy when my mom came in and tapped her watch (it was 12:12am) and he leans over and says “You really need to move out.” To which I heartily agreed. Unfortunately, I need to find myself a better job first *le sigh* I nearly left my family at the movie theater to get home and talk to him–

now i’m too chicken to pick up the phone, dial and talk.

Congrats, you’ve met someone more psycho and paranoid than yourself!

Derringer Meryl [Everybody’s coming to] Out

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

So, it’s been a while. I splattered my heart, but lucky for me– that wasnt’ what hit the fan.

My insecure mind, along with the English language and the abuse thereof, caused me and my friend Red to fight. Er, fighting. Or something. It’s currently still a war that’s being waged. And part of me doesn’t want to try and fix it, because i know i’ll make it worse.

and that scares me. I’m not usually the fix it girl. I’m the incapable of fixing it girl. I guess it’s my own negative attitude that keeps me from having a good life, but I think to myself every night– “What have I done in my life, that makes me think that i deserve good things from life?” and i know the answer, and it’s the same every night as I roll over…

“Absolutely nothing.” I contribute nothing but pain and hurt into the world. I dont’ expect Kharma or the law of the harvest to give me good things, because I haven’t put any good into the world. I expect the worst, because I believe that’s what I deserve.

I don’t deserve a good friend like Red, so I make it up in my mind that there’s something wrong with her, and so– it’s justified.

I don’t know. I’m sick, and twisted– and i could be walking on cloud nine if I could just figure out — why I can’t trust my best friend. I need to. Yeah. She made a mistake, but DAMNIT, so did I. So do I…. I told Nym that she liked him. It was stupid and she kept trusting me with out missing a beat.

But I’m so scared. So many people have hurt me.

What can I do?

Derringer Meryl [If my eyes don’t decieve me] Out