Undone

there is no end. This Blog is like some kind of continuum where the fun and moronic acts never end.

Yeah– Monkey and I spend the weekend together, with my family. Crazy funk my family– with their Dr. Mario obsession. We also watched Charlies Angels: Full Throttle which left everyone quite perplexed by the ending, and me wondering if Dillan was destined to live her life alone….

Poor Creepy thin man. *frowns* That wasn’t a fun way to die. Now was it?

And today– I get to go to the local community college and look into classes, even though i think it’s a waste of time. Because I don’t really find any of the classes– well worth how ever much they’re charging for their educational goodness. I’ve absorbed a lot of education, and I don’t want to pay a ton to learn nothing,

it’s this crazy deal I have. Iknow.

Anyway. The trick though is, I have to take full schedule of classes to keep getting my meds and what not. It’s insane, mostly Because

A) Me with out meds– well it basically equates to me looking very pallid in a corner shaking until I vomit.

B) Me in class looks a lot like me with Meds, but I guess I just have to risk it because, not unlike High school, I have to be there AND pay for it.

Derringer Meryl [educationally frustrated] Out

I’m sure you’re all so excited at my frequent updates– I’m sure you’re tickled pink….

me? Oh, right i’m sure you’re wondering what’s possessed me to be a git this time, right?

I’d thought I’d just remind you that:

I’M A FLAMING MORON

The end.

Derringer Meryl [hushed] out

Despite the fact I have a poetry website (and if you can’t find it, i’m not telling you, you’ll have to weasel it out of Red… which she’ll never [hopefully] give to anyone. Unless someone is smart enough to find it…) i’m posting this bit of poetry here. With out further ado…. I present my latest work Fears

You inspire
something new
beautiful
luminous
exciting
inside of me
and I
i’m scared
scared of what
you could do
reject
rip
forget
leave
love—
and i’m so
attatched
to you
i love your
smell
laugh
smile
eyes
mannerisms
and i
don’t know
what you think
about me
about–
us
and
I don’t know
if there even is
an us
for me
to worry about
or am i
just deluding
myself again
and mostly
when it comes to
–us–
the thing
i fear the most
is me
what i could do
to make you
hate me
fear me
despise–
me
and i know
i can do it
i’ve done it
before
and i’m trying
so hard
to be so….
very….
careful….
this time.

secret
whispers
softly
lie
inside of me.

Derringer Meryl [Thoughts race] Out

it’s been a pretty good week. while nothing huge or horribly exciting has happened, i don’t mind that. i like my life better as comfortable, not a drama.

Comfortable is good. However the mix of comfortable and confused, is not quite as good. So on the ranking of drama, comfortable confused, comfortable and not confused– I’m the one in the middle.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know where I stand with my friends, or my family, or the monkey– but i’m not going to beg for comfortable and unconfused, because comfortable is a darn sight better than drama, and by pushing the issues at hand, I could make it drama.

Can you tell I really hate drama?

it’s like …. say you got whisked off to a beautiful island. You have no idea where the island is, or why you’re there… and you have two choices:

1) Enjoy it– you don’t know how long it’s going to last, and it’s a good thing, so you’re going to ride it out.

-OR-

2) Investigate, and ruin the whole damn thing because you find out you’re actually being brain washed by some mass cult group or something.

*shrugs* I’ve done too much investigating in my life– too much prodding and pulling and what not for my own good. I ruin things by not just taking them for face value, analyzing and trying to label them. I’m not going to do that this time. I’m trying my best not to be all anal and possessive and what not–

but it’s there, always nagging, saying stupid little paranoid thoughts and feeding on itself and it’s draining me at the same time.

I don’t knowhow anyone could WANT to be paranoid. I don’t think there is a person in the world who enjoys it. (Although the side effects from constantly being in flight or fight mode could be slightly …. beneficial) You end up sabotaging your own relationships with your family and friends, and significant others.

And I dont want to be like that anymore. *laughs sadly* Do you remember the movie As Good as it Gets it’s about a guy who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and falls in love with a waitress…. and she is about to leave him on a date, she says to him “I need a compliment Melvin, I need one now.” and he becomes very nervous and jittery, and he does a few of his OCD habits, and then he looks at her and says:

“You make me want to be a better man.”

She’s stunned and sits back down to dinner, and says “That is possibly the best compliment anyone has ever given me.”

*smiles sadly* I think you know where that leads to.

Derringer Meryl [if you could only see] Out

Right– so I have choices to make, and a very limited amount of time to make them in.

I could stay home for the possibility of hanging out with Monkey, and some Buffy-age

-OR-

I could go out with my debate friends, eat some Pasta at the crazy spaghetti factory, and just– live my glory days (or what ever you might call them) all over again.

Both sound fun. Both are good for me. Both are social outings in which I could possibly escape my family. Red will be at the dinner, and …. well it sounds like a good idea to go and hang out with her for a while. Maybe I can hang out with Monkey, after? All I know is that I am seriously dilemma-ing.

Blah. *sighs*

I guess I’ll go get free food, and hang with some of the gang (after all, it wouldn’t be fitting if the matriarch didn’t show up to her family dinner)

*sighs* Stupid….. Grr and the Argh.

Derringer Meryl [Pouting too much] out