Undone

I wait….

The cold wind blows my fading hair

And still I wait

Spring comes and I wander among the

lilies

Waiting for you

I know you’re there

Somewhere

Waiting for me too

I wander through life

A maze of Lilies

And blood

as I wander

I look for your eyes

Looking to you to comfort me

And I wait

And I watch

And no one comes

And my hair fades

Hey —

Well I worked tonight. And I can say, that I truely love my job…. BUT

Tonight was the worst, I think ever.

I’m a little over emotional right now, I know that. But I’ve always hated being compared to my old boss (Alright, we’ll call her …. Tangent) She was really pretty. I admit it. All the guys were drawn to her. I feel like the ugly little sister. Like Now that she’s gone, that they need to replace her, so they don’t have to look at me.

I don’t know why they would want to look at me. I”m not the prettiest thing– but I didn’t think I was that bad. Really. I don’t think that I belong in magazines– Or anything like that– but I didn’t think– Maybe that’s it

I didn’t think.

Anyway. I’m off to drown my sorrows in — rice cakes. or something. I’ve had enough of it all. For the first time in a long time I thought about cutting myself up in the middle of my store. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the thought, or the idea, or anything. But I wanted to. Right then and there I wanted to cut myself up so they could see…. see what they were doing to me. They can’t see because I hold it all in until I come home, and I cry– and it hurts. But–

Someday they’ll know what their words did to me. I don’t know how, or why– but they’ll know that it hurt. That I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Tangent– but–

I was pretty enough for them.

Derringer Meryl [Down in the] Out

Sometimes I feel bad. Because I don’t do what I’m supposed to. Because I wish for all that movie magic that just isn’t mine for the taking. Because it’s always just beyond my reach.

Why is it, that all the good things, are just beyond my reach. THat’s what it feels like. The guys, the grades, the friends, the relationships, all of it, it’s like I’m five, and I want the cookies on top of the fridge, and I can’t reach them, because i’m so small.

I thought I was supposed to be small.

I guess I was wrong.

But I write these stories, filled with the movie magic that I want, that I need. and…

That’s all it is, a story that I can live in for a moment, and then someone closes the book, and it’s over. I don’t like that part. The ‘its over’ part. I want to keep going. I want to live there, in that land of movie magic.

There I go again, wanting to live in the lies of the entertainment industry…. Some people say I should be happy with what I have–

How can I be happy if I have nothing? That may sound shallow, and rude, and crap like that. But.– I don’t mean i have nothing, I mean romantically speaking. I’m just smothering myself in all this romantic stuff, and I’m dying here–

I’m dying in that romantic lie I told.

Good Bye for today

Derringer Meryl [Sweep me off my Feet] Out

Sometimes it’s easier living a lie

Boy, was Tom Hanks right. I got back from watching Catch me if you can and All I can think is…

why doesn’t the world stop when I want to get off? Sure, I can understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but why– heavens why, do people move on? Sure resenting things and being bitter– bad stuff, I can swear to it. But why not hold onto a little scrap of something good, so maybe, if it comes back, you can remember what it was like.

She cheated

She got married to her lover

And had a new baby.

She replaced lover

She replaced Husband

She replaced child.

Why do I feel that she drove her son to fly around the world? That she made him want to leave, to run away. Because she did. She didn’t take the time to think about the lies she was telling, and who it would break in the end.

It broke her family

It broke the government

It broke the world.

Sure, he had a choice. There is no doubt in my mind that Frank Abignale Jr. had a choice every time he impersonated someone new. But the rush, the thrill,

it’s enough that you can become addicted to it.

Something tells me deep down inside, that he couldn’t help but want his mom to see him. She never saw him. Never.

He kept saying, ‘Catch me. I want this to end. I’m so tired of it all.’ and all i could think is….

I know that feeling. Wanting to be caught, someone to call your bluff and say “I see you. I see what you do–” Because you can’t do it yourself. Because running from the truth is all you’ve ever done in your life, and stopping is out of the question. Someone has to make you stop. Make you want to stop.

I can’t say what made me stop lying. Stop pasting on the smile that made my heart bleed until I felt so exhausted that I would sleep for hours. I think– I think it was when it caught up to me. When I felt it all, and I knew I was caught. Not by anyone, not by anything but the web of my own lies. And I had to bear the guilt alone.

For the most part.

I was lying to myself.

Derringer Meryl [finally caught up] Out

I HATE MONDAYS!!!

School was fine, except I found out that I wasn’t doing so well in my Word Processing Class, and today I found out that I wasn’t doing so well in my GYM class. I hate that class. She holds me accountable for work I didn’t do when I wasn’t there.

I suppose she’d rather me there and vomiting. Fine, she can have a hostile student, since that seems like her goal. She can have what she wants, a passed out, pissed off, and really really disgruntled video game playing GIRL!!! Okay! I’m tired, and you don’t seem to understand what tired means! I know you’re just doing my job, and I’m just doing mine, which is living, and breathing!! I’M SO SORRY THAT I INTERFERE WITH YOUR PERFECT PLAN!! But I can’t help the fact that I’m not as in shape as you want. SO SCREW YOU!

Can I say, I’m tired of Monday. I’m ready for friday.

Derringer Meryl [On your Bedroom floor] Out