Undone

There are not enough expletives in the world to express the way I feel right now.

Really Super, horridly, Bad.

Really.

This is why I hate showing emotion, cause if you do it wrong, someone could interpret it wrong, and then you have one big bad mess of emotions, and you have to deal with it, because the nagging voices in your head won’t go away until you do.

They stay until you make the pain stop, either until you’re so sugar high you can’t remember who the heck Horatio Alger is, or by running a dull swiss army knife across your wrists until the numbness of the action takes all the pain away.

I’m praying for one or the other. All I want right now is for a pint of B&J (The ever faithful guys) and to watch the rest of Bourne Identity. Ya know what, that isn’t much. Really. I don’t want to think about Our Town, or homework or anything. I just want to hide from it all for awhile. Too dang bad for me.

Right now was a really bad time to cut back on the swearing. I guess that’s the breaks, right?

Not to mention if I look at any more scholarships I’m unqualified for, I’ll die. I’m so very tired. I don’t want to do this any more. I know it’s supposed to be a test and all, but it’s like walking through a wind storm, ALWAYS against the wind. Constantly. And there’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to brace myself up against.

I need my Red.

(My momentary nickname for my friend. I don’t know if she’d appreciate the exposure of her name.)

I just want to escape the storm for a little while. i guess that was saturday, right? and now I just get shoved back in, because I didn’t do it right. I screwed it all up. Because I act all smug and stuff, but when It comes down to the wire, I don’t know anything.

And everything…. Everyone has made this painfully obvious.

I guess I get what I deserve

Derringer Meryl [I feel so. . .] Out

Awkward. I’m always so awkward. I trip over my own feet, and I’m not meaning on purpose.

I wish that I wasn’t such a klutz, because every word I say comes out wrong, and people take offense, and i end up shoving my foot in my mouth, over all I wish sometimes that I could be a little bit more balanced.

Ya know, like, not all insane, maybe slightly attractive to someone besides — I dont’ know some sort of horny tree squirrel.

No — I don’t look like a nut. I am one, but I don’t look like one. There’s a difference.

I wish I was pretty. Serious. Guys say I am, but then they end up saying that I’m too much like their little sister to date. What the heck! I mean, I’m not sure what’s grosser–

The fact I’m little sister like-

Or the fact that some guys find their little sister hot.

I’m just tired of being left in the rain when everyone has their hunny to snuggle up to when it’s cold outside.

I have a penguin.

And despite what you may have heard, penguins are not as warm as you might assume.

Derringer Meryl [and the one little duck] Out

PS: Microsoft today– not as special as it could have been.

It’s amazing, how everything can go so wrong–

and in the end turn out so right!

So last night was Winter Ball a little less dressy than prom, but still a nice dance. It was girls choice (lucky for me) and so I took a really good friend of mine. He’s a super guy, ad when I mean super, I mean he’s all around the best guy I know.

Really.

He’s super sweet, and even though we’re not really romantically attatched, he made me feel like a princess all night long. I was super excited to go with him, cause (lest I rave on more) he’s a great guy and (whispers to reader) I really like him, but I’m trying to not get attatched, because he’s leaving on his mission soon. *nods*

We danced to a song, that I used to hate. It was the first song I ever slow danced to, and that was unfortunately with my ex. Without delving into too much detail about my ex, he was a jerk. Last night, none of it was about spite, or to get over him, or because I had to– It was all about having fun, and hanging out…..

And slow dancing with one of the most charming, handsome, and dashing guys ever.

I think i’ll just have to write him a letter. He really– I mean… WOW. It meant something to me– it may have just been in the school commons area (If you don’t know what a commons is, ask me, I’ll tell ya later) but It seemed like I was in a magical place.

I was smiling for real again.

I haven’t smiled for real since the sixth grade. Have you ever had those smiles that are so big, and so genuine that it hurts your face? I have. I haven’t smiled like that in so long– I’d forgotten the feeling.

I was giddy. LIke real giddy. Not emotional rollercoaster girl because I wasn’t trying to cover it up– what ever I was feeling. I felt real. I loved it.

I wouldn’t have been able to have had that much fun with anyone else (at this point in time). I’m so glad it all worked out so well. I love being able to feel all of this emotion again. I’d really forgotten what it was like.

I didn’t even want to kiss him or anything. I just wanted to dance, and to smile, and to skate, and to spend all my time with him.

Because he makes me real again.

Derringer Meryl [I hope you had the time of your] Out

Honest. I didn’t mean to do it. It was all just some big huge, horrid mistake, that’s gone all out of control.

I’m my own worst enemy

Being the Femmenazi (pronounced by a friend of mine’s brother) I should hate all those girls who dress like whores, and make guys stand on end…. and I don’t mean on their tippy-toes either. I should hate all of it, the skimpy clothes and all that stuff.

But I am so beginning to embrace it. I”m the local ‘nurse’ at forum I attend. I’m not talking your school nurse that’s fifty bazillion years old. I’m talking “HELLOOOOOOO NURSE!” Type thing.

I hate people like that. I hate cartoons like that. I think I know why though. I hate them because I dont’ know how to be that way. I don’t know how to be the timid little *tee hee* size four and a half girl because i’ve never been that. I’ve always been the girl who wasn’t afraid to kick some self serving sexist pig of a boy’s shins with my boots.

I can tell you from experience– Guys don’t like that.

They like the *Tee hee* Size four girl. They’re scared of the other girls. They dont’ want to be around them. They’re too different for their little minds to comprehend. I dont’ want to think about fixing myself. I’ll do it later. I’ll do it after I’m done with being the tee-hee size not so four. That’s when I’ll fix it. When guys stop liking it– that’s when I’ll stop.

Yeah right. I think i’ll stop now. Because no matter how much I hate not being liked, I hate acting like I’m something that i’m not even more. I hate running around all giggly and happy when I’m not.

No, that doesn’t mean you can have my old wardrobe. I’m keeping it. You’d be amazed the horrid things you can do to pigs that say you’re not good for anything but lookin’ good and spurtin’ out babies–

With denim jeans and a long chain of beads. HAHAHA!

I know i’m wicked, but everything i learned about being so wicked I learned in — well… where did I learn this….

oh– right– from my anger and some self righteous jerk who thinks the only way you can play a video game is with wang.

HA! WORSHIP THE POWER OF NO WANG! HAHAHA!

I can play- I suck- But I CAN PLAY TOO!

Derringer Meryl [Reach out and embrace] Out

Maybe you’ve noticed how I linger by the door

Looking for ways to hang around

I never felt my moment ever show itself before

But I’ve got to speak or lose you now

Chorus:

This is my confession

I bare my soul to you

This is my confession

The one thing I can do

How will I ever make you mine

If you don’t know that I’m alive

I confess to you

My love for you

He’ll never say the words I’ve rehearsed a million times

Or stop your tears before they fall

He’ll never even try to put his thoughts of you in rhymes

His heart is barely there at all

Repeat chorus

I have always believed somehow

I’d be standing right here before you now

Hoping the last breath I take

I take in your arms

Repeat chorus