Undone

what to do now?

So I found out that I was getting transferred.

If you haven’t understood the problem yet, you’re not living in my head, congratulations.

I can date HIM if I get transferred. He’s getting transferred too. I just wish I was more confident in myself. Then I’d just sorta– do it. Ask him, go out, watch Star Wars (Which I have decided that I”m not going to watch unless I’m on a date)

Maybe I’m foolish. But Like the song says I’m tired of pretending I’m tough. I’m so used to playing the tough girl that I don’t know how to be otherwise, and when i want to be I just end up being rude. Isn’t that special.

I’m so wrapped up in my personal life. Oi. I should be more… less.. I don’t know I should do something differently.

But one has to wonder if something is wrong with oneself if all they seem to attract is the oppisite of what they want in life. Some one that has things in common, talk to, has a great sense of humor…. and various other odds and ends that are for humor only

what you want an example?

I demand that my fiancee propose to me wearing a hello kitty costume.

Odd? It may be- but I find that if someone is devoted to me enough to wear a costume so they look like a cat with an extra large head, then I know they are truly devoted.

Or really sick like me.

I want the person I marry to be enough like me to get along with me, and enough of themselves to keep me guessing.

Someone who doesn’t mind the fact that I say the word “Like” So often it even boggles the Valley girl mind, Someone who doesn’t forbid my lack of vocabulary when i say “and I go, and he goes” instead of the traditional ‘i said this, and johnny said that” It’s so dull. I enjoy my valley girl, punk wanna be, goth edgy girl look. I enjoy how I talk. Yes maybe i say like a little too much, but is that going to kill someone?

I can understand it might be annoying to an English teacher, or someone who has a very heightened awareness of the word like, but is it that big of a deal.

You could look back at my entries and notice I don’t say “Like” in the written word too much, but that’s because when I write I know that someone isn’t listening, maybe reading, but listening is different.

Listening you have to be quirky and fast on the draw, have to say it so quick and humorously that someone will laugh. You tell a joke slow, someone will finish it for you.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a shadowboxer Baby] Out

This is the place where I sit

This is the part where I love you too much

This is as hard as it gets

Cause I’m getting tired of pretending I’m tough

I am, very tired of pretending to be tough. I know that someone could tell me it’s all right, but it feels like every time I become close to anyone– they leave me.

I’m being transferred from my work, to another store. HE isn’t coming with. Sure this opens up the opportunity for us to date….

But my self confidence is Nil. I feel numb more often than not. Unsure of what to feel, unsure of feeling. If I feel, then i’d become attached, and then they’d leave me, or I’d leave them, not by choice.

I’m tired of crying- wanting to cry. I just want someone to love me.

Let me clarify love: I have my family, my friends–

Sometimes you need (*you meaning girls) a guy to tell you everything will work out okay, and then you have to trust them enough for it to come true.

If you can make it okay, say it. If you’re saying it to say it, don’t. I’m tired of the heart aches that come from little fibs and lies. If someone said they were going to do something, normally it didn’t matter if they did or not. But I’ve been lied to and had promises broken in my face that meant a lot to me, and not much to them. The aplogy (if any) That followed was meaningless, and heartless.

I’m tired of half-true apologies. I want someone to say they’re sorry and mean it. So few people can apologize and actually mean it.

There’s something to look for in a mate. Must apologize well.

Must be willing to tolerate sporadic crying jags.

Derringer Meryl [This is the place where I’m falling apart] Out

Why do you do what you do to me baby,

You’re shaking my confidence you’re driving me crazy,

You know if I could I’d do anything for you,

Please don’t ignore me cause you know I adore you

I have a dilemma. Okay, It’s a really stupid dilemma. Dull really, are you sure you want to… never mind.

I like two guys. For the first time, yes FIRST TIME i like two guys at the same time. One of them is potentially bad for me, and one of them potentially good.

True to girl-y nature I’m leaning towards the bad one. Probably since I spend more time with him, but that’s all my fault i’m sure. In any case.

I was thinking about buying this for him. (For those of you who can’t see this it’s a ring from the green lantern…. he’s a huge fan)I just — It’s a bad Idea, and i’ll talk myself into a Count Von Count cake pan I’m sure.

But It calls to me. I like buying things for people. I like to see them happy. For all intents and purposes, I like buying things for other people because I get to see how happy they are, I get to enjoy it. It’s purely selfish. I’m sure.

Him– I could just listen to him talk about nothing for hours. I like it. I like to hear him talk, and I like the way the light in his eyes dance when he talks about — anything!

And– well I suppose I should tell you who the other guy is… but i can’t. Never know when he might accidentally stumble in on this diary entry and read it and and…. and… Well I’d be mortified, because when you’re friends telling someone you like them makes it all awkward.

And if the person you tell is really mature and doesn’t care or whatever and is comfortable……. You’re still awkward.

I know. I’ve told people who haven’t reciprocated the feeling.

I think the reason I don’t like to visit “datesville” as a friend of mine and I call it, is because I become clingy and I’m afraid of that part of me. and instead of fixing it I just want to ignore it, pretend it isn’t there and just… stuff it into the pit of my tummy. it works. and when I get scared that i might just start telling people on the street that i’m loosing my mind and I’ll never be sane enough to get married to anyone who won’t hurt me —

I hide inside. that way if i blurt it out to my cat, he won’t be telling anyone anytime soon.

Derringer Meryl [Punk rock prom queen] Out

Well he looks at me with those innocent eyes….

Why can’t you just pretend to be nice….

I’ve fallen for the songs in Josie and the Pussy Cats that’s where the above song is from. Pretend to be nice

Why can’t people pretend to be nice, that doesn’t make any sense to me why they can’t. Everyone would get along better, and the thing is, if you pretend to be something long enough — It usually comes true.

Nothing but Faux Pas on the romantic front, with the whole being a klutz thing, it happens. I’m trying to just forget about boys– cause I can be nice, but that doesn’t mean I understand them.

Things that are illegal– some of them are silly! Very silly. I mean the whole copyright drivel is silly to the most. My GOSH, I hardly want to buy a CD that has two songs on it that I like! For the love of — Well you kow. Fifteen dollars for two songs is OVER priced. The minute they realize that, then maybe Ill return to buying them.

However I dont’ think forty dollars for a video game is insane. Tons of people worked on that, coded it, took time. Those people need to be paid for the hard work they did, whereas the posh little monkeys who make CDs don’t need my piddly fifteen dollars. Just because it’s going to go to drugs or what not.

At least the Forty dollars will go to a family– or booze.

[Hee hee hee] Sorry the imagination of a Japanese video game coder going out to get plastered– I find humorous.

Derringer Meryl [He looks at me with innocent] Out

Rehab

That’s what I decided Church Is like. People are addicted to doing bad things, and we go and make pledges and promises to stop…. and we never do. So it’s like the un-ending rehab.

Sure– That might make church a crutch or whatever, because I’m depending on something to help make me a better person, but I don’t really consider that to be a bad thing. Druggies and Drunks have rehab because they were doing bad things, things that were hurting themselves and others. That’s what sinners do too, and Jesus trys to make them feel better and stop doing bad things.

Whatever- It made sense in my head yesterday–

I feel so mad, I feel so angry-

So lost confused just mad

I don’t work till the end of the week, sad stuff, I’ll probably drop in on my goody goody guys today though, if I find time to steal the car, AND get my nephew in. Sometimes it’s a hassle.

Our house needs a major as in MUNDO clean job. So after I finish writing this I’ll wake my brother upp and we’ll start weeding the front lawn. And if it isn’t too hot when we’ve finished we’ll work some on the back lawn. Then when it gets too hot, I’ll work inside the house, in the basement, or maybe the bathroom and Kitchen. I’m not sure which.

I’m on a cleaning escapade. We will see the top of our end- TABLE someday!

Yes, we have an actual table at the end of our couch. I have to clean up the scattered Videos, probably re-alphabetize them too. You think I’m joking? I’m not. haha! I’m insane about order. Sometime this summer my father’s computer area will be organized, his disks will be cataloged, and filed away. I’m an evil little girl. Then I’ll work on the “blank” Video tapes. Bwahahahahaha! So evil. Anyway.

Derringer Meryl Out