Undone

Why do you do what you do to me baby,

You’re shaking my confidence you’re driving me crazy,

You know if I could I’d do anything for you,

Please don’t ignore me cause you know I adore you

I have a dilemma. Okay, It’s a really stupid dilemma. Dull really, are you sure you want to… never mind.

I like two guys. For the first time, yes FIRST TIME i like two guys at the same time. One of them is potentially bad for me, and one of them potentially good.

True to girl-y nature I’m leaning towards the bad one. Probably since I spend more time with him, but that’s all my fault i’m sure. In any case.

I was thinking about buying this for him. (For those of you who can’t see this it’s a ring from the green lantern…. he’s a huge fan)I just — It’s a bad Idea, and i’ll talk myself into a Count Von Count cake pan I’m sure.

But It calls to me. I like buying things for people. I like to see them happy. For all intents and purposes, I like buying things for other people because I get to see how happy they are, I get to enjoy it. It’s purely selfish. I’m sure.

Him– I could just listen to him talk about nothing for hours. I like it. I like to hear him talk, and I like the way the light in his eyes dance when he talks about — anything!

And– well I suppose I should tell you who the other guy is… but i can’t. Never know when he might accidentally stumble in on this diary entry and read it and and…. and… Well I’d be mortified, because when you’re friends telling someone you like them makes it all awkward.

And if the person you tell is really mature and doesn’t care or whatever and is comfortable……. You’re still awkward.

I know. I’ve told people who haven’t reciprocated the feeling.

I think the reason I don’t like to visit “datesville” as a friend of mine and I call it, is because I become clingy and I’m afraid of that part of me. and instead of fixing it I just want to ignore it, pretend it isn’t there and just… stuff it into the pit of my tummy. it works. and when I get scared that i might just start telling people on the street that i’m loosing my mind and I’ll never be sane enough to get married to anyone who won’t hurt me —

I hide inside. that way if i blurt it out to my cat, he won’t be telling anyone anytime soon.

Derringer Meryl [Punk rock prom queen] Out