Undone

Life is peachy. I have work this week– I have a heavy debate load even though it’s summer, and I couldn’t be more giddy.

I am thrilled. Ecstatic. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t denying myself this time. Cause Maybe I think there’s something on the other side of this little mirror of life.

Wouldn’t that be nice, for life to be lived as if it were a mirror, only when you looked into it, you didnt’ see your self, but the person you would be?

I suppose I’m just getting too metaphorical for my own little brain to keep up with.

I’m working on a Buffy Fanfiction, very laced with spike. Which i love. it’s not getting rave reviews or anything, but those who have responded are nice, and are supporting me in the writing. Twenty-two written pages, six typed. Record for me really. I happen to be sincerely enjoying the writing part since I always put a little of me into my characters….

Not that they’re mine, they’re Joss’ just to keep that clear. But the story line– what the characters do. It’s me. It reeks of me.

Reeking in a good way that is.

I feel like dancing until my feet bleed. That would be the way to go, bleeding to death after dancing. That would be the ultimate death. Like the best way to die, that’s how the step-mother in Snow white died you know.

It is.

I just feel like turning on some angry girl music and dancing and exercising until I hurt everywhere.

Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll go and dance in my room while the CD player blasts something like “Though the fire” or maybe “I’ll survive” and what not.

I love that. I love songs that make you inspired, and you can sing to.

Derringer Meryl [I wanna be ready for what] Out

What to do.

Do I like him more than just a friend. Who knows. I sure as heck don’t. It sure would make things simpler if I did, then I could decide who to ask to the dance–

Yes I’m pathetic for planning out the dances already. I know this, so what. I need to know what guy to ask.

And if I should just hide under my blanket like a five year old.

I think I choose the latter. The blankets always win. Go figure.

I got a lot done today. I took brownies to work and it was nice. I love to make the guys smile and watch them gorge. that’s what makes me want to be a cook. The stove starting on fire however, makes me want to be a teacher again.

I like making people happy. I like it more when I can make them happy by brownies.

HE and I had a fun time on Tuesday. Just general teasing, and fun stuff. I can’t think about it, nothing in particular was special, it was just the night on a whole.

The downside was that he told me to stay single. Honestly– maybe we could stay single together. Maybe. In a married type way.

*smacks her head* Back to your regularly scheduled diary.

I have three Buffy DVD’s left. I suppose I”m just trying to make them last a while. I have to wait until they decide to release the third season, who knows when that might be. Winter–ish?

Hmm As of today I have Five Months and 30 days until my 18th birthday–

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!

Can we say excited.

Derringer Meryl [Pretty Fly for a] Out

Some kind of disgusting trick. Horrid thoughts– A nightmare if you please.

My life has turned into some kind of emotional roller coaster. I hate it. I suppose someone would tell me that’s how life is.

Well what i say to that is “Just because something is that way, doesn’t mean it should be.”

I”m tired of being jerked around by some sort of twisted fate that sometimes I forget that I control.

Forget it all.

Why? Because HE makes me laugh, and no matter how hard I try to get out, I keep getting back in. no matter what. Cause he smiles at me and he has these dimples that make me want to melt. And he’s great to talk to, he knows so much and I can’t believe it sometimes. I could listen to him for hours.

And yet.

Yet– I jerk myself back into reality where there is nothing between us, other than air and dust particles. A platonic relationship, and nothing more, because he’s four years older– and I have no guts.

I could give you excuses up the wazoo why I can’t date him ranging from the silly to the deadly serious. But after all those reasons have been resolved nothing will change–

Because I’m — Me.

I”m scared and no matter how my body grows and how my mind matures, I feel like I’m still five. Still a little girl who just wants someone to listen when she tells her little stories about how a little boy took her crayon in Kindergarten today.

No one listens.

Beyond all that I wish I could escape from Home. I Love my family, but sometimes it jsut hurts so much to be here, because I’m the only one who listens to anyone here, and I hear things that i’m tired of hearing, and I just want to escape into some sort of delusion for a few hours– while I recover.

I have the reality of a nephew who needs someone to parent him, and sometimes the weight of that falls on me. I’m not the only one, but

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

You make a mistake and you pay for it. You always do. Why is it me who is spending her weekends watching blues clues while I could be dating someone phenomenal. (not to mention that there’s few people who I think are phenomenal to date but that’s not the point) I just need some ME time. Me. Time where I sit and I — I’m me. No one asks for chores– No one stops to tell me to clean or ring someone up.

Just me. Me maybe some video games, a good book.

Honestly i think I could cry– Maybe that’s because I’ve decreased my medications. Maybe.

Maybe it’s because normal life … Normal.. people always say normal doesn’t exist.

I laugh at their foolishness. Sure “normal” is different for everyone. But … For me It’s being after school, and not being tired of listening to people talk, and when people are dating and they’re my friends, I’m not bitter. That’s normal to me.

I’m abnormal.

Derringer Meryl

Oh joyus reunion day.

Right. Like having my family come back to this place can ever be happy. I honestly know that I should love the members of my family more, but–

Sometimes it’s hard, like really hard too.

It shouldn’t be.

I have to wonder how life would be if Zoloft and other Non-MAOI’s had been introduced into my life earlier.

Sometimes I wonder if i’m even living this life, or if I’m just imagining it and my first grade teacher will just kick my chair finally and I’ll wake up and be back in Woodglenn Elementary with my little boyfriend that I taught how to swing, and we broke up because he didn’t give me a good Valentine. I should have realized then that I was doomed with romance.

I have to wonder if what is going on isn’t some big joke and someone like Suzanne Summers isn’t going to pop out of no where and try and sell me a thigh-master while telling me that I’m on candid camera.

Like my whole life is one big Truman show. Yeah Right.

That would be some sort of twisted fantasy where I could blame all the problems in my life on the fact that every person in my life had lied to me and I actually had no really true friends– except the ones who were trying to tell me the truth…. It’s funny how readily we identify lies as truth, and truth as lies.

Really, Think about it, any movie you see someone tries to tell a character the truth, and they deny it, because the truth is just too hard to bear. I don’t know where they get off, but get over it, get some medication.

And then sometimes I wonder if my life is a self projected hallucination, that I’ve made up in my mind to cover the heart ache of something way too deep. But then I realize what ever is going on in my life is much more painful than whatever is going on in the ‘unprojected’ life so I did a pretty cruddy job on my hallucination.

Life is pain, I suppose that sums it up, I don’t know why It has to be, but it is.

Derringer Meryl out

Cry me a river

Oh No you didn’t get asked to the prom and now have to go all by yourself, OOOH the embarrassment

Get a life! The prom is so not the end of the world.

Wo as me. Sheesh, drama queen. Pathetic, I mean sure not going bothers me from time to time, but– School is for learning not for mating purposes. But to the normal hormone driven high school student that’s all high school is, a prime place to meet the man/woman of your dreams where upon you’ll get married and live happily ever after.

Yeah right.

The chances of you meeting your significant other in high school is slim. Theeeeen you have to calculate in the probability of you actually staying together long enough to actually be legally married. Not to mention you have to add in the stupidity of guys, and more than likely they just want to use you and leave you.

Not that I would know.

Okay so I do. Sue me.

IT’s not like i’m bitter! I’m really not, I’ve learned my lesson and learned it well, it’s great. I have no more mistakes to make when it comes down to dating. I made them all at once, so I wouldn’t have to make them again.

Plus as an added bonus, I learned from them, spiffy eh?

Derringer Meryl [I know who I want to] Out