Undone

“Any romantic feelings that were there, aren’t anymore. But still i’m driven insane. What does she have that I don’t? Is it her attitude? Is it her hair? Her body? I admit freely she’s much trimmer than me…. God. What is it about brown hair that makes someone stare right through you? And I wonder still now if we ever had anything. If it was anything. I shouldn’t. I know it. It’s stupid TO wonder. because the past doesn’t matter anymore. Especially not to you. You’ve already moved on….. It’s her eyes. I’m sure. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just a whole… package. And God, could she be more of a stark contrast to me. Not like black and white, cause someone might insinuate that one is better than the other… no. That’s not it. it’s like…. comparing yellow to blue. Both equally good colors, but… sometimes people just favor yellow over blue. How could you not? and there are so many people yelling at me to budge. To move. To go on. I’m not stopped. I’m moving… and contemplating what i’ve passed. Nothing is as simple as a date. I’ve spent too much time being hurt over stupid things to let the sweet things in life slip so quickly away from me. And you were the only thing that made me feel right…. in the longest time. Still…. if i could go … back. I would. I’d change things– but– not the outcome. I don’t regret that….

I regret telling you.”

*Claps for herself* That’s just a taste of my free thought writing. Isn’t it great? I enjoy writing it. It’s rather fun. *coughs* Oh. Right. You’re realizing that i’m not supposed to be at home RIGHT now, right? Well. I’m not feeling well… and so… yeah. I’m …. just…here. 🙂 At home. Writing free thought prose.

And I have a lyric spew, now, for once I do it on a Sunday. 🙂

Rapid Hope Loss, Dashboard Confessional

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Thanks for waiting this long to show yourself,

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, to show yourself

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

Do what you want, if that’s what you wish.

I can’t see…

You’ve got a sense…

You’ll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

Derringer Meryl [Nothing is as it seems] Out

There was a little girl,

who had a little curl,

right in the middle of her forhead.

And when she was good,

she was very, very good,

But when she was bad

she was horrid!

What is horrid In your opinion. What’s a horrid act. I think it’s horrid that I like Eminem. Though The Specialist brings up an interesting point that he simply voices what everyone has thought once or twice in their life. “I hate my ex, I love my daughter, I hate my mom, I hate soinso”

i have to agree. Everyone does that. Cept in my case (at this point in life) i’d have to say it’d be I love my family more that my daughter, since i don’t have one. *nods*

Horrid: 2: innately offensive or repulsive: a : inspiring horror : SHOCKING b : inspiring disgust or loathing : NASTY

See, I find Hatred, a horrid action. If you’ve ever actually been inhibited by a deep abiding hatred for someone, you’d understand. It was like the obsession. IT was all i could think about. How much I hated him. How much i waited every moment for him to be in pain. When He was, I laughed. I laughed a lot. and i didn’t feel bad for it. Yeah. He was cruddy to me. He was cruddy boyfriend. He was horrible to me…. but all i did was kill myself slowly by hating him so much.

Yeah. I was dark. I hated life. I hated God. I hated every person who smiled, who laughed, who was happy…..

Then I got a little better.

And then– well. That’s for another day. Maybe not even for the blog. yeah.

Not for the blog.

Derringer Meryl [Inside my brain] Out

Sorry for the lack of… saying things. I say things, but recently they’ve been really short and choppy, and i’m sorry for that.

It’s really a bad habit, But i’m guessing frequent short updates are better than none at all, like some people have obviously become in favor of….. *smiles* Interesting. I have a debate Tourny tomorrow, so don’t expect me to actually…. update on here or anything.

I’m taking my dragon notebook, which i have now unofficially deemed my “random romantic/fanfiction thoughts” notebook, because honestly, it’s gonna be a month or two *cough, year, cough* before I actually get done with the notebook i’m using for my journal now. When i need to voice my thoughts i usually do it here, unless it’s something really volatile, and i just need to get it out, and not offend. *nods*

See, I’m a firm believer in the fact that sometimes people say, or even just think, things they don’t really mean. The prime example would have to be “I hate you (insert name here)” I know this from personal experience. I’ve only hated two people in my entire life. My first boyfriend, and Al Gore. (Al Gore is just a running joke, i don’t really hate him. I’m not politic-y enough to care.) Which i might add is why I should judge Impomptu tomorrow and not… uh– what ever it is that’s all politic involved. I don’t do that well. I’m a pop culture girl. Not Current Events girl.

Which might be why I’m more of a diva than anything. *smiles* I know more about biology than I do government, and I know more about the latest diets and their effects on the body than I do left wing beliefs. In fact, I’m not sure what left wing is. I’m sure The Specialist is ashamed, because he knows everything.

I’ve come to learn that everyone (but me, which makes me nobody…) knows stuff about government. See, the thing is, most people pretend to know stuff, and they make it up and sound really impressive. I, don’t. I can’t. I don’t know stuff to make up, and I’m not very good at lying. I joke, I can do sarcasm. I don’t lie. *shrugs* It’s a gift from God. I promise you in the long run, being lousy at lying, is a good thing. 🙂

Debate Tourny. I’m going to be better than all of those lousy judges I ever had. I hate them. THey all sucked. They all hated me, and i have no idea why. Though I can guess why, want to hear? I knew you did! I didn’t suck up, I didn’t dress like a slut, I didn’t try to appeal to their conservative ways– i went for the laughs. How could I not? So maybe they didn’t get my jokes, since they were in their thirties and fourties. So what? I had fun. I got a really nice thing to put on my College Apps…. and I was social. It was some kind of law. You pack fifteen or so kids on a bus, and they talk, and sometimes they fight. Most of the time they fight.

I can’t tell you the number of times I got called a bitch (with various words to accentuate it) but I can tell you that most of the time it was from my own team. I didn’t fit in there either. I was too religious. I was too strict. and I didn’t take a stand on politics. *shrugs* I’m liberal, I guess. I don’t know. If i knew, then i’d be informed, and I’m not, as we’ve already covered.

*nods* I’m going shopping/stalking with Sakura after the tourny is over though. So that makes me happy! Even though I don’t have any money, it’s still fun to window shop! 🙂

Anyway, i better go and sleep. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Excited, oddly] Out

task for today, Finish Final Fantasy X-2 by midnight. Can i do i?? No one knows but me, and the darn mentally screwed up people who made the game. Shame on them

Sheesh.

Derringer Meryl [Square-Enix hates me] Out

Time for another shameful Secret:

I sorta am… what would you call it…

I’m a closet Eminem fan. Sad. I know. *shrugs* “I sometimes like things that are not good for me.” Right ole Xander Boy?

Derringer Meryl [Conclusion of Secret Bearing time] Out