Undone

I don’t care if you like Fanfiction or not. I don’t care if you watch anime, or if you’re an avid fan. I don’t care if you think i’m the biggest shmuck in the entire world. If you’ve ever been in love, If you ever want to be IN love, and if you marvel at the way it changes things, then you must read this fic

a small excerpt that i find reflects me, and how i feel for my friends, and how i would describe the depth of my love for someone:

“And more than anything, at that moment, I wanted him to love me back.

And because I loved him, I could then find it in myself to go back to the Sengoku Jidai and see him. I could face my feelings, once I knew I loved him, because then I could identify with part of Kikyou’s feelings. I could face myself, because I could never hate a woman who loves the same boy I do, no matter what she may want from him.

And so I went back, and I faced Inuyasha, as he had faced me the night before. I saw him, and it hurt, because I had never loved someone whom I thought might not love me in return. But it didn’t matter then. And even if I’m still in second place now, after so much has happened, it doesn’t matter.

I want to stay with him.

I want him to live.

And even if he leaves me in the end, I want him to smile as much as possible until then.

Because I love him.

And it’s not just that I’m in love with him, though I am. The love I feel for Inuyasha cannot be expressed in terms of a relationship. The love I hold for him transcends something as simple as the concept of being acquaintances, friends, or lovers. I could be all with him, though a romantic relationship would probably be the closest manifestation of my feelings for him. What I feel for him is deeper than all of that. My love for Inuyasha is ineffable. I just need to be with him. And if I can’t have that, then I just need to know that he’s happy.”

Isn’t that some AMAZING writing? I’d love to claim it as my own, but no– alas i’ve kept some such insight to myself, as Kagome (if she was real) might have done herself. Bravo writer, Bravo.

Derringer Meryl [Trancending Lables] Out

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

I’m tired. I’m arguing with The Specialist, and I have to say that I provoked it. I”m in a magical kind of odd mood. Where I swing understandably from one happy mood to an angry one without warning. I’m slightly Gert-ish. Anyway. Time for a Lyric Spew. Extraordinary, Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me

But I believe in you

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause

You still don’t get it yet

See me lickin’ my lips, need a primitive fix

And I’ll make, I’ll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it’s you that’s boring?

Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Yeah, that’s me. I’m insane. I’m extraordinary, but no one takes the time to know me. And with the exception of Dax and My mom, my family doesn’t know me. It’s like them and us. I’m affection starved. Especially for as large of a family that i have. That doesn’t mean I don’t get it, but you want it from certain people, and they go along assuming that you’ll always dote on them the way you did when you were eight. I’m tired — and I’m upset that even within my own family, even with my own siblings, never an ounce of affection was ever directed back at me. There was a time I would have never imagined arguing with the Specialist, all I wanted was to be good enough for him. And it seems through impeccably high standards, i’ve given up. Maybe it’s all intrinsic. Maybe I’m still doing this all inside of my head. Maybe I was just a supremely annoying child, (I have no doubt) but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t mean the world to me at one point. Which he did. Every part of it.

Derringer Meryl [Reminice] Out

Ever had those moments where you just wanted to run and hide in a box? Yeah, this is one of those moments. This is the moment that staples is on the phone and he’s talking to me, and i’m just… wondering why he thinks that Monkey and I are still dating.

You think i’d run with that idea, considering the fact that Staples is interested in me… but since i don’t think monkey would appreciate that very much, and i don’t need to be deluded at all.

So I told the truth. Aren’t you proud of me? I told the truth when it was harder. I told him that I wasn’t, and I hadn’t been since July.

I’ve never been so proud of myself. I feel like calling and telling Monkey right now — but instead, I’m going to go buy cake. Yes, fattening, thigh adding, waist thickening and tongue happy cake.

I don’t care. I told the truth. Good On me.

Derringer Meryl [Happy, and then Not] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out