Undone

I was talking yesterday to both The Specialist and Mom about Siblings.

I have to admit, I’m constantly analyzing other siblings to see if I’m closer to them or not as close… etc. I think I have an okay relationship to the lot of them… Dax and I know each other the best, that’s for sure. But I love them all, and I would like to say first, that I’m not moving back to my Home Valley. I’m not. We’re not. So don’t ask. Don’t suggest. Cause it’s not happening. *sighs* That said.

I wish I was closer with you all. I wish we had all spent more time together when we could have. I guess this feeling is possibly just me, because i have the “i’m the only girl” syndrome where no matter what i’m left out. *sighs*

I wish that I could have gotten to know The Specialist better and Wudan. I wish I could spend time with them and hang out.

I don’tknow. *shrugs* I guess, all in all, what i’m trying to say… Is that i miss you guys. I miss walking through Smiths and The Specialist wrapping his arm around me saying “You know I love you Baby” and me saying “I know, I know” I miss dancing in the kitchen with Wudan. We were gonna take dance lessons. Heh. I miss playing Video games with Dax, and hanging out at the mall. He’s the only person I know who spends about the same time as me looking at stuff. I miss Tango dancing with The Specialist. It was never serious, but it was always funny. I miss playing our own made up role playing games that he Specialist put together. I remember that Wudan killed me when I ran through a school house. I remember Christmas shopping in the Lancer together. I remember eating Ben and Jerry’s with The Specialist the night before he got married to Antigone, while we played video games.

I want to do it all again.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Things] Out

At this moment, i’d like to express my affection for Drag Queens.

I love Drag Queens. *blinks* Heck, I love Gay people. They happen to be some great people. Just because I don’t particularly see why the feel the way the feel, doesn’t mean i have to hate them.

I know one thing is for sure. God doesn’t hate them. So neither should i.

The End.

Derringer Meryl {Connie and Carla} Out

general ramblings abound.

First, i got a car. I’ve decided to name it Vash (after Vash in Trigun, which is where my SN comes from too) He’s a good little car, and while he broke last night, I dn’t blame him, i blame the freaking construction on I-15, Which knocked his radiator drain plug out, and made him loose all of his radiator fluid.

Nice eh?

Luckily Scott’s friend is a whiz with cars and came and rescued us! YAY FOR THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS! Two other nice people helped us by lending their phones and pushing our tiny Vash to the side. Thank you nice peoples!

On another completely different note I’d like to delve into examining why I hate therapists so much.

Because you can do their entire profession with seemingly a “Choose your own adventure book” They never ask good probing questions. And it’s always “Why” and a bunch of head bobbing. Only a few of my problems were worked out at therapy, and honestly that was how easy I was walked on by people. Now i”m not so much. I’m glad that’s fixed, but honestly, Scott is so much better when it comes to working past psychological problems out.

I had a problem. An issue. Something I was holding on to. I couldn’t understand why. Scott told me That I wanted to keep it for some reason. Wanted to keep feeling the pain and the fear that I felt then, over and over again. He didn’t let me just go to bed when I got tired. He didn’t say “Oh, our hour is up, it’s time for you to go” Sure, he asked WHY, but when I said “I don’t know” he wouldn’t let that fly. He pressed me, that YES, I did know. I sat there and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. Finally, after such a long time of feeling this– pain and hurt, betrayal…

I realized, that I love to be angry. I loved to be angry about it. I loved feeling the pain and blaming someone. I enjoyed being angry at people, being upset that things were never resolved in my mind. I felt powerful. I felt in control.

And suddenly, I felt was disgusted with that mentality. (Over time I’ve come to realize that I have a lot of disgusting mental thoughts) I was sickened by that part of me. But I felt better knowing it was there, understanding more completely, so I could finally let go.

Maybe some people out there have a therapist like that. Maybe they have someone who pushes them to discover themselves. Good. I’m glad. Because when I had a therapist, I felt like i was hiring a proverbial hooker. Paying for a whore. Someone to listen to me for an hour, just ramble. Not about anything in particular. I’d sit down on the soft couch, and she’d say “How are things” and I’d start off, and she’d try and recall the characters from my life. I found it disgusting. I felt like it was a waste of money… and the tip off came after she told me to loose a friend. Just stop being their friend because of my feelings and my emotions and my problems.

And that’s the day i said no more. I didn’t schedule a new appointment. I tapered off my medication– and I was done.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t want to go back] Out

I think it just must be heavy news week or month, or something.

I think I might have a problem. I dont’ want anyone to have a heart attack, or anything…. Cause I’m healthy, and i’m not pregnant (so no worries on that front) and Yeah, i’m still living in my in-law’s basement. It kinda deals with that… in a way.

I think I have problems eating. *Waits for the laughter to die down* I mean, I don’t think I’m anorexic (Cause I sure as heck don’t look like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen) and I know I’m not bulemic because I don’t throw up– but I still think my eating isnt’ healthy. I’m just gonna lay it out like it is.

I go for long periods of time not eating. Fairly long periods of time. Like entire days. I’d like to say it’s because of depression or something like that– but honestly life isn’t that bad. Sadly, and sickly, it’s a fairly concious thing for me. I don’t fit into any of my clothes anymore. I find myself disgusting to look at. My Face and neck are getting fatter and I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand myself.

Derringer Meryl [feeling stupid and moronic] Out

2004-08-12 – 6:50 p.m.

I have to do this, because, I guess, it’s kinda part of a healing process for me, If I didn’t do it on here, I’d have to dig out an old journal and do it… *sighs* So I’m doing it here.

Today was Marci’s funeral. It was odd. Before the funeral, I felt fine. No tears, and only the apprehension that i’d end up stepping on someone’s toes with my large mouth. (so I kept it shut.) We walked in to find a display of everything Marci, and a very touching slide show. I immediately burst into tears. One of the first few pictures I saw was of Marci, Kristianne and I. Presumably from before The Specialist and Antigone’s wedding. (I think so, *shrugs*) My face was kinda hidden– So maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe I was just wishing it was. Wishing I had been a better friend to Marci.

We went to the chapel and sat down. I didn’t know the viewing was still going on, and I had no clue that The Specialist and Antigone were anywhere around. I wasn’t really thinking well at the moment. (still not really thinking too well.) Wudan and Sukie came and told us to go see them in the Relief Society room. Scott and I didn’t get to say anything to them, I felt kinda like we intruded on a moment just for family. That’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. How could I have been closer to Marci? Heck, how can I be closer to my entire family, and friends? I admire how Sukie and Wudan rushed to help her family and comfort them.

I wanted to give Kristianne a big hug and tell her I love her so much…. But didn’t. I don’t know why I’m so silly like that. I’m just… so silly. I hope someone tells her that. That I love her very much. I wish, at times like this, I was closer to home to be of some use. To comfort.

Like I said, I didn’t get to talk to Either Antigone or The Specialist. But The Specialist did walk past me, and I squoze his hand. I wish I could have convayed everything I wanted to have said at that moment. That I love him very much, no matter what. That I wish I could be a bigger part of his life now, that I miss him so much, and I was sorry for their loss. Too bad a hand squeeze doesn’t do that.

I wanted to Hug Marci’s whole family, and say something deep and meaningful that would help them feel better. I didn’t for fear that anything I might have said would be trite and possibly offensive.

Scott and I opted not to go to the interment. I didn’t feel it was really mine, or Scott’s, place. I hope The Specialist and Antigone understand why.

I wish I was clever. I wish I knew what words to say to make even a moment better. I wish I was eloquent and made you understand how I feel in this.

But I’m not. And all i can say is I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss how good she made me feel about being me.

I just do.

Derringer Meryl [tissue bonanza] Out