Undone

general ramblings abound.

First, i got a car. I’ve decided to name it Vash (after Vash in Trigun, which is where my SN comes from too) He’s a good little car, and while he broke last night, I dn’t blame him, i blame the freaking construction on I-15, Which knocked his radiator drain plug out, and made him loose all of his radiator fluid.

Nice eh?

Luckily Scott’s friend is a whiz with cars and came and rescued us! YAY FOR THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS! Two other nice people helped us by lending their phones and pushing our tiny Vash to the side. Thank you nice peoples!

On another completely different note I’d like to delve into examining why I hate therapists so much.

Because you can do their entire profession with seemingly a “Choose your own adventure book” They never ask good probing questions. And it’s always “Why” and a bunch of head bobbing. Only a few of my problems were worked out at therapy, and honestly that was how easy I was walked on by people. Now i”m not so much. I’m glad that’s fixed, but honestly, Scott is so much better when it comes to working past psychological problems out.

I had a problem. An issue. Something I was holding on to. I couldn’t understand why. Scott told me That I wanted to keep it for some reason. Wanted to keep feeling the pain and the fear that I felt then, over and over again. He didn’t let me just go to bed when I got tired. He didn’t say “Oh, our hour is up, it’s time for you to go” Sure, he asked WHY, but when I said “I don’t know” he wouldn’t let that fly. He pressed me, that YES, I did know. I sat there and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. Finally, after such a long time of feeling this– pain and hurt, betrayal…

I realized, that I love to be angry. I loved to be angry about it. I loved feeling the pain and blaming someone. I enjoyed being angry at people, being upset that things were never resolved in my mind. I felt powerful. I felt in control.

And suddenly, I felt was disgusted with that mentality. (Over time I’ve come to realize that I have a lot of disgusting mental thoughts) I was sickened by that part of me. But I felt better knowing it was there, understanding more completely, so I could finally let go.

Maybe some people out there have a therapist like that. Maybe they have someone who pushes them to discover themselves. Good. I’m glad. Because when I had a therapist, I felt like i was hiring a proverbial hooker. Paying for a whore. Someone to listen to me for an hour, just ramble. Not about anything in particular. I’d sit down on the soft couch, and she’d say “How are things” and I’d start off, and she’d try and recall the characters from my life. I found it disgusting. I felt like it was a waste of money… and the tip off came after she told me to loose a friend. Just stop being their friend because of my feelings and my emotions and my problems.

And that’s the day i said no more. I didn’t schedule a new appointment. I tapered off my medication– and I was done.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t want to go back] Out