Undone

So I’ve been working nights, and working nights usually leads to me getting on a path of staying up too dang late … and it’s a horrible cycle of horribleness.

I ususally feel more depressed for less sleep. I often feel like my simple diagnosis of “Depression” and “Social Anxiety” isn’t enough. (Well for good measure and accuracy I guess we could toss ADD in there too. Someone this week asked me if I was dyslexic… I felt like asking him if he was always stupid. That would have been rude of me, wouldn’t it have?) ANYWAY.  This kind of goes hand in hadn with my diet issues. My considerable diet issues. I learned of a new mental disease (i collect mental diseases like an old woman collects doilies and cats.) called impulse control disorder.

Now I’ve been to therapy a time or two in my days, and it seems to me a lot of the time doctors don’t like to put names to things you have. Because once I started reading about it, I realized, my last therapist (the gem that told me that I needed to quit my job or I was for sure going to get divorced, HAH. Jerkwad. I don’t have to do anything you say I am going to do. SO THERE.) had basically told me the “steps” of this disorder as a discription of something I had. I have. Because the thing is… it doesn’t matter what I’m doing this is how it goes:

an impulse> growing tension> pleasure from acting> relief from the urge > guilt

That’s how it goes in the grocery store, or on the way to work … usually with food now days. There were dark days where it was alcohol. I’ve never drank, I’m glad for it. Because this is what my life would turn into “I want a drink. I shouldn’t drink. Why not drinking makes you feel good, and you relax and you let go. Ok let’s get a drink. YAY THIS BEING DRUNK IS FANTASTIC! Oh see wasn’t that great… No it wasn’t. I should never do that again.” and then REPEAT. Instead, I usually insert sweets. Candy,  cake, sugar, soda, etc. If it will make you sick from eating it, I’ve eaten too much of it and vomited. JUST SO YOU KNOW. So it goes like this “I should buy some candy (or eat candy if I already have it.) No, that’s not a great idea, because I’m trying to diet. But, I was really good today, I did all that work, and I deserve the weekend off, and (JUSTIFICATION JUSTIFICATION, RATIONALIZATION) Ok, i’m going to eat this candy (sugar whatever junk) THIS IS SO DAMN TASTY. I will never regret this (then it cycles a bit until I’m nauseated. SERIOUSLY.) then the guilt of why do I do this to myself. I’m trying to lose weight.”

This is why, i don’t drink. THIS ^^^^^^ I’ve always (on some level) known this about myself. I knew if I took a drink I’d never stop. I wish I could go back in time and never have candy (among other things I wish I could go back and never do) but I can’t. I can’t undo what’s been done. I can only make a choice. That after I get the impulse, that I don’t give in. Because I don’t want to be the person who has to be lifted from their house with a crane when they die. You know?

I was, as a teen, fairly tightly wound. You know. BORING. I never partied, and as I’ve mentioned like a million times, I have never drank. Never did drugs, a little straight edge whatever. (think of it as you will!) I didn’t date, I hadn’t kissed anyone (until I met my hubby) I was a plain jane vanilla girl.

I’ve always hated myself for it. For a lot of things. Scott and I were cleaning up and I found a journal of mine from 2010 when I was in therapy. I wrote down all the things I hated about myself. I wrote PAGES and pages. I wish I could say I’m free of it now. I’m not. I still really REALLY struggle with my depression! I’m trying though. I am in love with Scott, who constantly reminds me that I’m an awesome mom, and that he loves me. He encourages me in my dreams, and wants me to be an awesome writer. I told him the other day that I wanted to take a whole day off from everything (no chores, no kids, not even him) and he didn’t blink an eye and just said ok. I don’t know if he was hurt by that, but I’ve become increasingly more attuned to my social anxiety. I act Like Suzy Social skirt, but it’s a waring facade to project. I can’t be that girl who chats to everyone and remembers everyone’s names. I am NOT the girl who is engaging all the time. I am occasionally charming and funny. I’m glad I didn’t decide to be an actor, I’d probably have died by now.

AND. Like an alcoholic who drinks too much when they’re stressed, I eat too much. I do. I have made my self sick tonight on Pizza and gummy butterflies. I have made myself nauseated at least once every week this past month. And while my former therapist wasn’t right that I would get divorced or I would need to quit my job… the reality is, I need to quit my job or I’ll eat myself to death. (Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, But someday, I’ll get sick from it, and die.)

GOD THAT’S BLEAK.

So I say NO. I’m not going to let stress eat me into a diabetic coma. I’m going to put myself higher on my priorty list. I will do something for myself besides eat. Food isn’t my enemy (I need it duh) but I don’t need to eat Fudge striped cookies and gummy butterflies. I can make healthier choices and NOT feel sick every weekend and I can choose to not die from poor choices. I want to be better. I can be if I try harder. I will say NO more. I will NOT force myself to be suzy social skirt, and I will still be great at what I do without OVER doing it.

Derringer Meryl [331] out

Scott and I watched a clip for a Bronies documentary. Scott was like “MAN ARE THOSE PEOPLE NUTS” (Maybe without the internet all caps shouting) and I was like “These people are my homeboys!” Not because I”m necessarily a brony (or a pegasister as some of them like to be called) I think Ponies are neat, and the show is well written and thought out for a kids show. It’s quality.

(If you want to watch the trailer: http://youtu.be/EGMIABmH__8 )

One of the guys says something about how he used to be sad (he’s a kid) and My little Ponies has made his life better, he feels like waking up. To you, or anyone else who hasn’t experienced this type of feeling you might go “that’s stupid” and that’s what Scott said too.

Until you experience it. Some people probably go their whole life without being a fangirl/fanboy.  I do it a lot (as Sukie pointed out a few months ago) get into shows. Some people are passionate about lots of things. I’m into Doctor Who. As I told Scott today, it did pull me out of a depressive experience. It got me to see I needed to be on medication again. It got me back into writing, and dreaming a future for myself that wasn’t the same thing day after day. I started to want something for myself that wasn’t … just the same ole same ole.

I respect that people think my fangirling is weird. I don’t expect anyone to understand, and that’s ok. Just know that if something affects a life in a good way, why be down on it?

Derringer Meryl [I’m a Fangirl] Out

Where can I complain.

I have food issues. I’m fairly sure I’ve talked about some of my food quirks before. Like disliking to eat in front of people I don’t know well. That’s a big one, It’s a dumb one, let’s be honest.

That one is kind of shallow, don’t you think? I’m talking about a BIG issue. Emotional eating. I do this. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad. Pretty much the equation goes like this:

Feeling something=eat something. What I eat is almost always fattening (on occasion I will feel fat and will eat veggies or a salad, but I think both you and I know salads are rarely THAT healthy, especially when purchased at a restaurant) additionally I used to feel VERY guilty about the things I ate, and that would cause me to eat more. See how that doesn’t work? The additional problem that I have is when I take a bad behavior away (like drinking diet coke, or eating nasty greasy burgers) which are small bad behaviors, the energy for those bad behaviors says “oh, well since I’m not doing that anymore… I should put this into a worse behavior” If you’ve seen the hogfather it’s a bit like that. What happens is everyone stops believing in the Hogfather (who is essentially Santa Claus) and that excess of belief (that has now been freed up) goes to new Gods and creatures like the OhGod of Hangovers.

I’m getting off topic. I’m just saying that when I try to be good at food, I’m much worse at other things. I have a finite amount of goodness, and really being thin isn’t that important. Which is complete BS. Because it is important. Lots of things are important. it’s important that I work to get healthy now, or I’m going to have the health of an 80 year old when I’m 40, and I’ll keel over. Which is part 2. I hate making time for myself. I have a lot of mommy guilt. Scott and I’s lives are … strange and hectic, and dumb. I should run when I get home, or walk, or something. Instead I plunge into the 2 million other things that are “important” like homework, writing, dinner, laundry, and some semblance of cleaning or “me” time.  I should find more time for myself. I need to. Or I will have crappy bones when I’m 40 and I’ll be sick every day, and Have to take a million pills which will cost a million dollars and honestly we have enough health issues in our family without me adding to it. I don’t want diabetes, especially not type two. Scott wouldn’t let me live it down.

I need to spend a bit of time writing and running, somehow at the same time. So maybe I’ll allot myself 1 hr at night to run and think about ONE specific character, their background, how they look, what their role is in the story, etc etc. I need to work it out.

I need to work out

Not a new years resolution. Just a statement. As of tomorrow, I’ll be back on Naniwrimo (January edition) I’ll be obnoxious I”m sure. But that’s ok. What else would I be?

Derringer Meryl [all apologies] out

I haven’t posted here in a while for SEVERAL reasons:

1) Doctor Who Obsession. which largely is now on tumblr because I know family and friends are sick of it. So i relegate that to annoying other fangirls/boys … It’s better that way.

2) Work. Work has been overwhelming me a bit. I am pretty much in a “go to work, come home, eat, get Katie’s homework done, do one thing that MUST be done, and go to bed, start over.” cycle and its a  bit… draining on me. Even when Scott and I put a huge effort into ONE room being cleaned, the girls come through at rampage speed and undo it. I’m just tired of it.

3)Nanowrimo: I’m nto ashamed of this one as much honestly, because I achieved it. Nanowrimo is 30 days to write a novel, or (alternatively) 50,000 words. The average Scifi book is 100k. So you probably won’t see much of me on here (again) as of January, because I”m giving myself 31 days to replicate it again. I’m going to hop back in and write the second half of my novel. I also will mix this in with some reading.  So I may not reach my goal this time, but I figured it’s worth investing some time in myself and my skills and talents.

Because of this investment I have had some problems iwth my hands lately. I also havent’ been feeling so great (low vitamin D, not consistently taking my Zoloft) so I’m going to work on this. and I’m going to work on my book.

I may never be a famous author, but I will improve and work towards being published (even just on Kindle) because I love writing, and I want someone to love what I’ve wrote. I’m being very careful to write for the story, not the audience. I hope it all works out.

Derringer Meryl [Poppin’ Tags] Out

So I’ve found, fairly obviously, that I have problems… relating to people. I am fairly self involved. I am not sure if this is a nurture/nature thing, but I’ve always been kind of turned inwards trying to constantly examine, and re-examine my own self. I’m like a computer stuck on an infinite loop of “Is something broken?” and if the answer is no, I’m not looking hard enough yet. If the answer is yes, then I have to work on how to fix it. All very… odd. I have theories about why I’m this way. But that isn’t really the point.

The point is: I have found that I relate well to people through media well. I used to think I was charming via text, but the reality is, i can still be awkward. I am excellent at manipulating what is already there. I am great at expounding on something given to me. I don’t lay good foundations, I am not great at STARTING something, but I’m awesome at continuing it. As terrible as it sounds, I’m great at being  a follower. I will follow your lead. Typically. Usually. even when it’s not a great idea. If I trust you. My convictions are strong, but I hold them close to my heart. I don’t share them. So don’t ask.
Things I am loathe to talk argue about: religion, God, Politics. I used to think it’s because I had no conviction. no opinion, no feelings on the matters; not strongly anyway. But it’s not really true. It’s because I’m so sure of them, I really have no interest in what you have to say, nor do I have any desire to have you try and tear me down for what I think.

In completely different news. I was thinking about my weight the other day. When amI not? Probably when I am buying and scarfing down junk food mostly. haha. Damn carbs. Anyway… I have always been acutely aware of an attitude of stubborness that I have that goes like this “don’t tell me what I can do, I’ll do what I want. If you tell me what I can and can’t do, I will go out of my way to prove you WRONG.”

Really not healthy. Is that being contrary? probably. It’s not like I’m that way about everything. I am, on occasion, naturally submissive. Like with my parents. I was not an overtly challenging child as far as rebellion goes (as far as mental health… that’s something else, isn’t it?). I just … the only person who holds me back (really) in life is me.I write as my house is cluttered and needs to be cleaned, I could be spending my time differently…I can blame the people who acted on me. Who broke me and stole things from me. Every little bite of something is “Oh Yeah, well you’re going to love me anyway, just you watch.”

I know though that you can’t run from the one person who is always disappointed in me. ME. I thought i’d be so much more. Something more. Published, or thinner, or … just anything but plain old me.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching for what’s broken. Because I desperately want for something to be different and special about me. If I was at least spectacularly broken, I’d have something.

Everything gets lost in time. When you’re little. People love you. Adore you. So cute! So little, and sweet. Time takes it all though. All the talents, and skills, and praise. All you’re left with is regret and insecurity.

Derringer Meryl [Things I discover.] Out