Nov
07
2010
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The wedding toast I would have gave

Let me preface by saying that there wouldn’t have been a wedding toast had my foot NOT been sliced open by my traitorous daughter and her tantrum because her glass was empty. But, here are a few things I wanted to say.

I have been lucky enough to have my best friend in the whole world (who I am not married to) living with me for over a year and a half. Drama Queen has been there for me and helped me through a really hard pregnancy, though some of the worst times of my life, to help me to remember, that it would be ok. That things would be ok. That I could make it through it. She has stayed up late and listened to me complain, taken care of my children like there were her own, given me the gift of her time. I know that it was hard for DQ to wait, for her mister right. That time was a blessing for me. I hope her family can forgive me for stealing her away. It means more to me than I could ever say. I am so happy for her. I want her to have all the happiness in the world, and I know that she’s found it with TT. I know she’ll be happy with him forever. I would not change a single thing about the time DQ spent with us. I appreciate and love her. I wish all the best for her. She is like the sister I never had, and I am glad she’s found her happily ever after.

———————

It’s all true. My house feels a little sadly empty and it seems like someone is missing. I have been gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. I’m not sure why. Other than the fact that my foot 1) still aches from the cut. odd, yes! and 2) has this huge disgusting wart on the bottom that prevents me from running as I’d like. I need to cut back, and drink water and get active. I’m like 2 pounds away from perma muumuu status. Seriously. I gotta get things together! first and foremost get this thing off my foot. I actually ENJOY running now, so I gotta get rid of the thing on my foot so I can run again. I like to do it barefoot, or with socks on, which usually makes real runners go “NOOOOOOOOOO! DONT DO IT!!” because it’s some sort of bad for you. But all I can think is “well we did it for millions of years prior to nike being invented, and we survived, so I’m sure I’ll be fine running on my treadmill with just socks on.”

Things feel different now days. Not good, not bad, just a weird uncomfortable different. I feel like a lost satellite floating in space. Untethered. It’s an odd feeling. Like I don’t belong anywhere in particular. It may just be my medicine being off kilter, because nothing makes me feel more grounded than my kids, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, not at all. I just look into their faces when i come home from work, and i’m just stunned. Stunned that someone could love me so unyeildingly. without exception. Sure Katie gets mad at me sometimes, and huffs about how I told her to clean her toys up… but she loves me. No matter what. I think I may go work out now….

People say things like they’re giving up something for their kids, or they’re doing it for their kids, when really they should do it for themselves… Why can’t we do that? why can’t I find the motivation inside of myself to do something for myself. I have felt a lot of guilt about my weight. Both now and in the past. I think now, I look at myself in the mirror and all I can think is “I don’t want them to be ashamed of me.” But the truth is, when was I ever ashamed of my mother? Never. She was always… withdrawn and down on herself enough (No offense mom, but you did talk bad about your looks a lot!) I try to love myself inspite of my curves. I try to find something I love anyway. When I started this year, in Feb, i was at my lowest weight that I’d been at in 5 years. I am now at the highest weight I’ve ever been at, well at least when not expecting. I don’t hate myself for my weight gain. I am disappointed. I know I could do better. I know I’m letting my emotions and my chemical imbalance RULE my body. I have to take care of myself NOW or It’s going to be MUCH harder to take care of later.

Ok really now. Off to find 1) an inspiration piece, and then 2) to make my wii work 😀

Derringer Meryl [give a little whoo whoo] Out

Oct
17
2010
--

The front of my house is lonely….

Lots to catch up on.

DQ’s wedding was beautiful. I didn’t cry as much as i thought… Even when my little damien child decided to throw a glass (LIKE REAL GLASS) off the table and it shattered and cut my foot. Fun times. i got two stitches and an extra day off of work. Whoo whoo!

I have been working really hard to keep my medicine at an even keel so that I wouldn’t have a huge break down after she left. I think people probably think I’m ridiculous. DQ is my best girl friend. I would do just about anything for her if she asked me to. Seriously. I felt SUPER bad that I had to miss so much of her reception because of my foot, and was really disappointed, but there wasn’t much to do. I am Very glad that her hubby came along and they found each other. I’m so glad she’s happy now. Sure, I’m a bit sad… I miss having someone to hang out with, but I think in a lot of ways, things will be better this way.

In other news:

I’m baby free tonight. whoo whoo. Thanks Lorna. I super appreciate it. Scott super appreciates it. :) We need the time off sometimes. we really run ourselves ragged. We appreciate our awesome families that pull together and help out. My mom and dad took Katie and Audrey when my foot got sliced open so we didn’t have to juggle them at instacare! Scribbles Watched them on Saturday so we could have our date/clean… and Midori (along with Scribbles) came to clean my house today before we all got together for dinner. I love my in laws, I love my family. I feel really blessed!

Derringer meryl [off to bed!] Out

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Sep
12
2010
--

still no dress,

hating the lateness of the evening

late nights are my enemy with depression. I wallow. I’m trying to stay better. to feel better.

this year (pardon my french) is shit. I hate it. I hate how I’m falling apart all the time. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how it’s all my fault. it’s hard to be up when you feel so down. I haven’t given up yet. Have a long to do list. after discussing things, I am calling my therapist, and working things out… I don’t think I’ll go back as often. I do still need help.

I wish i could just magically feel better. I wish I could just let go of all the things about myself I hate. I wish i could truely see what others thought of me.

I wish i could be free of the prison I’ve placed myself in. I wish i could reach out to someone. I’m too scared of what they’d think of me.

here i am. trapped inside my own head, with too much to do, and too little time.

derringer meryl [trapped] out

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