Undone

Happy December everyone! I love december, quite certainly the best (and most stressful) month out of the year. I’m really excited though. I can’t wait for Christmas.

As for thanksgiving, my house is still a total wreck from it. Isn’t that sad? yeah I know it’s horrific. but to be quite frank, I could sleep 15 hours a day and feel tired still and Scott– well he’s absolutely amazing and needless to say extremely exhausted anyway.  It seems like every weekend has a plan or activity, So i don’t see our house improving soon. Except it has to. Maybe after my appointment on the 15th I can clean a little.  I have been wondering about going on some anxiety medication possibly as my anxiety levels are crazy through the roof about everything! I’m trying to do my best to stay calm, but sometimes I just can’t. I worry about ridiculous stuff, I worry about serious stuff. I worry all the time.

Katie has caught another cold, which is unfortunate, the most unfortunate thing about it is, her increasing bad attitude and her inability to use a pacifier while sleeping. So that means no one gets sleep around here but her, and when she is sleeping she’s making you hold her in an uncomfortable position. LOL! She’s wearing some 24 month clothes now. They’re a bit tall on her yet, but overall, I say a good fit. I”m glad that’s what I got her for Christmas Pj’s! whew!

Scott likes to play this “game” every Christmas to see if he can figure out everything under the tree I got him. 😛 What a jerk. Of course he did it this year because he logged into my work computer and checked my internet history!! what a jerk!! I like to be suprised. But apparently he doesn’t. I knew that already since his parents had to be so tricky about wrapping and hiding presents. I’ll admit it made me really sad when he knew everything he was getting because I had worked really hard to figure out something exciting and suprising to get him. 😛 Whatever. It didn’t work out. I told him next year I’m going to donate all of his money to Child’s play and let kids who really appreciate the stuff they get be excited.  In any case…. I’d return it all If I could and just tell him that’s what he gets (my family does stuff like this! We’re pretty bitter about SNOOPING and PEEKING)  but since it was ordered online, It’s really too much of a hassle to return it. 😛 Oh well.

We’re moving downstairs at work, for a few weeks while we get new cubicles. I’m sad to leave my desk as I love my window, and I unfortunately will not be near the windows downstairs… not like I am up here… Oh well. I feel much more cheerful looking outside. At least it’s just a few weeks, right? Hopefully.

I’m feeling weirdly optimistic today. Like life is ok. Which is odd for me. I’m usually fairly “realistic” or you could say pessimistic. So I’m feeling oddly good.

Derringer Meryl [happy day] out

Sure this is a day early, but tomorrow I will be so busy de-catifying and cleaning and fixing and bustling and hustling– that I won’t have time to write an entry.

But shouldn’t you be thankful you’re getting one at all? That’s right you should be 😉

I’m thankful for my family. Both near and far. 🙂 I’m grateful for the view I have from my window (even if it is just for one more week) I’m happy and thankful for my house, it’s nice to say that we’re having thanksgiving with the H family in my house 🙂 Yay! I’m grateful for my husband who doesn’t get upset at my whining, listens and respects me, loves me, supports me. He does such an amazing job with Katie who— BTW is the sweetest girl and we love her so much. I’m grateful that our family is expanding (in more ways than one 😉 Which is to say marriage in addition to pregnancy!) I’m grateful for the awesome past I have, and the totally wonderful sibs I have too.  I am thankful for my new ward. They are welcoming and sweet. They are nice but not overbearing. It makes me feel good. I’m thankful for our jobs (both Scott and i’s) that they are able to provide for us, and our family. I feel very fortunate that in this time of uncertainty that we are able to continue to have our jobs and the income they provide for us. I’m very happy and appreciative of the time and place that we live. Things are hard, but in perspective, things are often hard  and in reality — will not magically get better by wishing things were different, or blaming someone else for the problem. That won’t solve anything– So work in the now.

I was thinking earlier about my writing. it’s not… common that i write. I write when I feel something and then I try my best to express the feeling that I have.  The image in my head. I don’t often successfully paint a picture with words. I feel like i have all these awesome images in my head that If I could just find a way I could express them and show them to someone. it’s very frustrating to have something like that trapped in your head. Smeyer said that Bella and Edward were there until she wrote and wrote and got rid of them. For me, it’s like the pictures, are never satisfied with what I write. They just want more and more. There isn’t ever a story, just vivid images. I suppose that’s where the problem is, that the images don’t translate into the story. it’s like knowing what you want to say, but feeling absolutely too tongue tied to say it. have you ever had the experience where someone wakes you up and asks you a question and you know the answer, so you tell them what you think is the right answer, and they just stare at you like you’re insane (because you’re telling them gibberish) and then you get angrier and angrier because they don’t understand what you’re telling them? (Scott know’s what I’m talking about.) I feel like that sometimes fully awake. I try and try to show people. I feel like inside my head are some of the most heartbreaking, earth shattering, heart melting stories– and I just can’t– I can’t tell anyone. I can’t get them out. It’s unnerving.

—-

A young woman sits in a rocking chair next to a window. She wears a long dressing gown, her hair braided loosely draped over her shoulder. She’s waiting.

The chair squeaks as she lolls back. It seems to protest.  Her slippers scuff against the floor, making a muted noise.  She lets a heavy sigh escape her lips. Her hands worry the wooden armrests on the chair. She’s waiting for him.

She pulls an afghan over her legs. She’s not sure what time it is. She curls into the chair, trying to remember when she was young. The chair seems to pull her in as she pulls her knees to her chest. A deep breath. The smell of cedar reminds her of her grandmother. The chair groans in protest. Almost seeming to say “Sit properly” like her grandmother would. She ignores it all the same. She doesn’t want to sit like a proper lady. She doesn’t want to be an adult.

She just wants him to come home.

Time seems to stop. With No light outside, it’s hard to tell if much is changing at all. The sun had set hours ago. At least it seemed like hours. She wrapped her arms around her knees, and hummed. “Soon.” She said, “He’ll be home Soon.”

—-

Derringer Meryl [Vignette] Out

Ok, So I love this song, I probably shouldn’t, but I really enjoy it 3OH!3 Don\’t Trust Me

I’m feeling: A bit Jaded.

I’m super tired, Katie woke up this morning at 5:30 or so, and was very very grouchy and active. I tried to sleep through it, but it’s hard. Poor Katie has parents who sleep all the time. I’m hoping I can scrape some energy together tonight to cook dinner (ravioli again)

we got my car fixed. It was the crankshaft. Apparently the sensor wasn’t responding aaand… It was making things weird. The car wouldn’t start twice, and died in an intersection once. I’m glad the car is working again.

I was excited for the Twilight movie, like REALLY excited, but then again — I remembered I can’t just leave Katie at home, so I won’t be going to see it on opening night. Not that anyone really cares– Most people (Besides drama queen, and jen, and my mom) don’t even read Twilight. But I love it.

I did a mini- Christmas list. I don’t really want that much this year. I can’t think of anything really. I’m sure Scott will come up with something good. He always wants such specific things that I can’t ever get it right w/o a Christmas list.  You know what I would love to have in my stocking?

Yeah I know I”m crazy. I love having coffee mate in my Hot Chocolate (my preferred Beverage for the holiday season) I’m getting really stoked about Christmas this year. I realize it’s not even Past Halloween — and that i”m totally jumping the gun. But what can I say– I love the holiday season.

I’ve been trying to debate on how we’re working out Thanksgiving this year. I thought about inviting both Scott’s and my family’s over for thanksgiving, but as I was discussing it with Jen, that’s 18 people! I’m not sure where I could fit 18 people. Then I thought Well Maybe I could just do Scott’s family since we all promised Lorna having Thanksgiving with her this year… But then I felt bad about not having thanksgiving with both families. If I were to fix even a portion of thanksgiving at our house, i would be far too tired to drive up to SLC to have pie, or even just to hang out. I feel torn in a way. Since Christmas is mostly Presents/hanging out and not eating, we make it to both family’s houses easily. But eating and cleaning at our own house and then going up to SLC– I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I’m not sure what I”m going to do, I got frazzled just making chicken enchillada’s for Conference. :-S And I won’t even discuss the hockey puck cinnamon roll disaster. STUPID CINNAMON ROLLS! I’ll KILL THEM!

I’m Slowly plugging away at transferring my entries over. SLOW and steady. 😉 Maybe by the end of october? I sure hope so. I need to take and get Katie’s pictures taken in her Little bo peep costume. We’re going up to the Zoo on Saturday, and then probably to mom and Dad’s 😉 So they can see her costume too.  (or maybe the other way around? I’m not sure. So indecisive today.)

Have I mentioned I have amazing views from my desk window? I can see such pretty foliage outside, it’s awesome.

Derringer Meryl [ The horror of our Love]

Halo…. Work….. Halo…. Work…..

Okay it’s absolutely true. I’d rather be playing halo than dealing with the huddled masses. *makes a face* Especially the after thanksgiving huddled masses. *frowns*

Hopefully the people around the house will let me play Halo with them when i get home from work. *sighs* Anyway, i don’t want to be a yucky bum when i get to work, so that means a shower is in order. *sighs* I’m still just so tired.

Quick someone turn the clock back an hour!!

Derringer Meryl [AMV Queeen] Out

Happy Thanksgiving… Happy Birthday to my Oldest Brother. He’s like… thirty-one now. Isn’t that insane? He’s the very oldest, and i’m the very youngest at Eighteen almost ninteen.

I really need to figure out something rebellious to do before time runs out. *blinks* I mean, i only have like a month and a year to do something completely unorthodox that’s against my parent’s wishes.

I’m just no good at the rebellion thing. (looks at the clock) Oooh, eleven Eleven, make a wishage…. 🙂 Anyway, i’m like a five year old. I don’t know how to do anything that is wrong against my parents…. especially and not feel bad about it. I’m the guilt queen. I feel bad, and it shows. I’m so easy to read– except when I’ve got my gadditude on, then it’s all smiles no matter what….

🙂 Like now. 🙂 🙂

Just kidding. I’ve just realized exactly how obsessed with AMV’s i am. (Anime Music Videos for the uneducated) FUN! 🙂 Seriously. I collect some of the best. 🙂 Humor and Romance, i like those the most…. but character profiles are pretty good too. 🙂

I’m just … talking like crazy.

Derringer Meryl [Thinking of Lockign her Diary] Out