How is my brain supposed to make sense when my heart doesn’t?

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out

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