Some people get drunk first

before getting emotional, I just need to be exhausted. Maybe that’s those drunk people’s issue too? Anyway. I watched Glee tonight (Ep Asian F) and it made me cry.  Esp. Fix you at the end of it. Where Will Schuster and Ms. Pilsbury are praying together, because her parents emotionally traumatized her into fearing germs of people who are different, and she has essentially relapsed heavily in her OCD. It’s bad. I hope she gets back to Therapy. Which feels weird to say of a fictional character. But isn’t that the point that any good story does? Draws you into the characters, and makes you love them so much that you want to see them get better?


Anyway, I absolutely and always have adored the song “Fix You” by coldplay. It was released in Sept 2005 on Coldplay’s X&Y album. I was pretty depressed that year, and can recall feeling like my life was probably the worst it had ever been. I can heartily say that I am still (and probably always will be) recovering from 2005.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

It just speaks so heavily of things that everyone can relate to. “When you lose something you cannot replace” Like a father, a friend, a baby, innocence, love, joy, spirituality, faith, a sense of self. There are a million things that the thing you lost could be. The interesting thing is, to me this song is not one person to another. It’s not a boyfriend singing it to his girlfriend (or visa versa) or husband to wife. It is one person. One person singing it themself.

It’s no secret that I don’t consider myself overly mentally well. I’m obviously not completely batshit crazy (sorry mom) but I am … lost in all of the things in the world. Adrift in the politics, the economics, the parenting, and work. I am a self contained capsule of self hatred and loathing. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how people interact with me, I will only see the bad. I will only see the people that detract from me.I will only long for the approval of the people who are indifferent of me. I will love the people who pass up the opportunity to be in my life, and be tortured in silence when they decide to embrace someone else instead.

My heart will break when I realize I have been harboring a deep dislike for someone who did not hold the blame as I had once thought. I will hold myself personally responsible for the failings of others.

I should be stronger. I should not care what other people think. I shouldn’t care if other people don’t love me. I should pick myself up and live the life I have.

Maybe someday

I can fix you.

Derringer Meryl [passion] out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Who Whizzed in your Cheerios?

Have you ever thought that? I have people in my life that I feel are almost giving me flat tires…. If you don’t know what a flat tire is, it’s when someone walks so closely behind you that they accidentally pull your shoe off from stepping on it. usually happens a lot with flip flops.

I just.. I know I can do things well if I can just have a little space. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE SPACE!

Anyway. I have finally started tying my robot quilt. I hear the cries of “TYING! WTH!” but at the same time, I just want it done. so… Yeah. I used high Loft batting. I love love love fluffy quilts. Got it on sale, so bonus. Then I just have Kate’s quilt, and then I have one other on a super back burner. It’s a non issue.

Then, I hope to have an Accuquilt GO to do some Dye cutting with (oh  baby!) and then do my Portal quilt. That I dream about nightly. Ok not really. But I do think about it a lot.

I am working on my book. I think about it. and pet the ideas I have in my head. I am writing some Physically in journals I have. Scott was super DUPER sweet and got me some composition books. They were like $0.40, but what does the price matter when he was being supportive. I really appreciate it. I’m scared to let him read it some day, but… hopefully he’ll like it. And hopefully some day I’ll publish it. And make money with it. It’s a dream. and a bit far fetched. But… Hope springs eternal.

Happy day.

Work is worky. I am trying. Did I mention a promotion? If not, I have now. It’s good.  We have been ill. It is not good. I feel like with the season change, or maybe it’s this time of year. I am feeling kind of bummed. Just… Down a little? Having problems with my sleep cycle. We’ll see how it works out. It’s funny, how stressed a person can be, doing nothing, and do a lot of something, and still be very stressed out.


Derringer Meryl [something something] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

My beef about Christmas.

Before we start: When I say Christmas, I don’t mean “Jesus’s Birthday” or “Santa Present day” In specific. I mean the time of year. Not a religious connotation necessarily, and I don’t mean necessarily not. When I say it, infer what you will. But overtly, the following discussion is NOT about religion.

I don’t have anything against Christmas, so that’s not what I mean by beef. I simply couldn’t think of any other way to say it. I have Christmas Issues, but they are not all bad. I love that time of year, even though my love of it turns me into a raging hosebeast. I think though, IMO starting Thanksgiving day on, It is a magical time of year. And despite life sucking just as much at that time of year as it does any OTHER time of year, it’s SO much fun, to lose yourself in the magic of Christmas. It can be hard to f ind it as an adult, but if I can, and sometimes I can’t. I hold on like It’s the last gold nugget in all of freakin california.

Life isn’t always magical, but you can make Christmas Magical (I’m sure the same can be said of Hanukkah and other Winter time activities) There are lights strung in trees and on houses. And instead of thinking “God they are so tacky” You think it’s beautiful, and delightful.

Also. I am a tradition hound. I suppose though it could be read a lot of different ways. I will once again let you infer what you will. I love to celebrate the holidays and traditions are important to me. I like the repetition and the social climate…. though this year I better get me on some mood altering drugs, because i have been an outright brat this year. I feel bratty. Anyway…

Lately though, in all. I have been on top of Christmas stuff, and other things I just feel like saying “Eh whatever” to. Even I, the most annoying of little sisters, get tired of pestering people and asking and coordinating. At my age, I have discovered that after many years of being in charge, if someone else wants it done, they can do it their own damn selves. Sure it would be nice to do, but if it’s important to them, it will happen. I think though, for many years that’s what I’ve been afraid of. That I am not important enough to people. That somehow that it means people don’t love me. Maybe I’m secure enough to say, it doesn’t matter if you don’t love me, or maybe I’m mature enough to say “I know you love me anyway.” Either way, I’m a little less into pushing… sometimes.


Wouldn’t you try to recapture the innocence of childhood, even if it were for just a night, or a moment.



Sometimes I get grumpy. REALLY STUPID grumpy. And the matter of the fact is, I shouldn’t be upset that people in my life aren’t taking me out and saying “Come hang out with me” The matter of the fact is, who says I need to wait around for them?:P I’ll do what I want, and I don’t need any super fancy invite. My mom used to tell me that when people draw a circle around them to leave me out, to draw a circle around them to bring them in. And as nice as that sentiment is, I think I’m going to draw a circle to keep me in. I’m tired of gettin’ worn out and busted up tired and sad from trying to get people to want to be in my life.

You don’t want to be here? That’s just damn fine with me. When you decide to come back, that’s just damn fine too. Have a good time enjoying your life, and I’ll have a good time enjoying mine. Maybe you’ll have time for me in the next life.

Derringer Meryl [Truth] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,



You know what needs to go? People saying that mom’s just don’t get a day off from being moms. I call BULLSHIT (sorry for the swearing mom) I will full on agree that my mom has been pluggin’ at being a mom (and has worn other hats at the same time too) for nigh on 30 odd years. She gets tired, and i won’t lie and say she’s never asked for help or anything, but everyone deserves a hand…. and that’s what I’m saying. It’s bullshit that we say things like “that’s just how it is being a mom” NO. No it’s not. That’s how we let it be being a mom. It’s like women (myself included) enjoy being some sort of martyr or what not to the cause of perfect motherhood. BS!! *throws something against the wall* I am Meryl and I am here to stand proud and say it loud that I AM NOT PERFECT, and I like it that way. I don’t always make a home made dinner from oats that I rolled by hand that morning while watching the sunrise, or some such BS. If you can do that, great. FABULOUS. If you love doing that, EVEN MORE POWER TO YOU. But don’t get up in my face waving on and on about “How great” it is what you’re doing. It floats your boat. GOODY For you. It’s like going in front of a person who can’t walk, and tap dancing while singing a song about how fabulous your legs are. JERK. I am physically incapable of doing EVERYTHING right. It’s just not possible. (plugs her ears while someone reads something out of a conference talk or whatever) Yeah, that’s great. But until Elder whats his bucket is going to get down in the trenches and help me muck out my house, I think he can stuff it too.

You know what I do every day? I wake up, far too early for how late I stay up cleaning, go to work. I work for 8 hours with customers who can’t speak English and are upset that I don’t speak… Macedonian or whatever, and I explain to them SOMEONE else’s rules and regulations. It’s not my company. Not that I particularly disagree with anything, but in any case– NOT MY BUSINESS, I tell it like it is, I get them gone, I go on to the next person who wants me to speak Latvian. NO. I don’t. Whatever. I put up with people twisting my words, or just not understanding– pretty much all day, between that I get to deal with some fun co-workers, and not so fun co-workers. Overall, I hear the following in the back of my head “Wonder what the kids are doing? I bet the spilled something on the carpet. What fresh hell awaits you at home? Did they brush their teeth this morning? I bet they didn’t. Don’t forget to reschedule Kate’s appointment. You need to pay the electricity bill. Also you need to do two loads of laundry and mow the lawn on Saturday. I hope it doesn’t rain. I should call Scott. Maybe not, he’s probably sleeping. I should let him sleep. Poor guy doesn’t sleep enough. I hope he’s ok. Maybe I should call and make sure he’s not having a low. I should get him into a doctor already. Did I take my pills today? I can’t remember. What day is it again? Oh I owe so in so some money. I should make sure to pay them back when I see them next. When is our next dentists appointment. I should check out a roofer for our house. I can call them on my break, and set up appointments. I need to look into Loans, do we have enough equity in our house for an equity loan. I don’t think so…..” You get the Idea. that is about an hour of what plays through my head between short conversations with co-workers. I am strategizing and scheduling. I am balancing. ALWAYS. Then I come home, Something has been messed up. INEVITABLY. Not like a little mess. The days where there is a little mess, I’m ok. Whatever. Big messes, like ice cream spread around the kitchen,  laundry party thrown (IE, all clean and dirty laundry intermixed. whee) all the toys taken out, scattered, nail polish/crayon/sharpie on the walls, cake flour dusted through the house, missing children, inexplicable water/soda/juice messes, chalk rubbed into carpet, etc. I’ll admit that all of these don’t happen on one day, but usually at least one a day.

That being said, at least once a month, I Lose it. I don’t mean like stuff gets forgotten, bills go unpaid. But that inner dialogue usually spills into something more like “Why am I doing all of this? Didn’t I ask for some help? why didn’t it get done…” and then it escalates into angry Mommy, and usually someone gets screamed at, over something that would usually simply try my patience. I try to refrain from exploding. I really do. I can hear Sukie saying “You should just let it out when you feel angry, don’t bottle. Your family is full of bottlers” it’s true. We bottle. WE bottle well. Now if we only did it for something useful, Like peaches. Oh well. I should let my anger out, but typically, it tends to be so fleeting that it passes in the moment and I don’t realize that I’ve pushed it down and just decided to conquer the task on my own. I feel, quite frankly, a little bit like Daria’s high school History teacher meets the little red hen.

angry guy

Seriously, this guy needs to relax. So do I. So when people take and say “oh mom’s don’t get a day off” all I can think is “A vein in my forehead just exploded!” and my face, I imagine, looks a little like this guy’s. Cause If I never get a day where I am not the person making things go, and getting this person to that place, and scheduling appointments and balancing house work and naggy customers, and one really OBNOXIOUS co-worker who doesn’t help out. I might go nuts. I seriously might have a break down. People think I”m over dramatic, but I’m not trying to be. I am trying to do the most that I can without A) looking like a total slacker and B) not going mental. I did work for the post office people. I”m not saying I’m down with guns and what not. Cause, honestly I’d probably shoot myself in the foot and it’d be so funny and… whatever, but I’m saying that I visualize every day, tackling some upper member of management’s back and just bashing their head against the ground.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I also grasp that this is one of the very violent images that springs to mind, but I never act on. Thank God. I just… I don’t think people realize how much I’m doing. Mostly from my ADD. I am consistently doing more than it appears that I am doing. I am never, even while surfing online, doing nothing.
Maybe this is just dawning on me. Maybe this is how everyone is. If that’s the case, how is everyone NOT angry all the time? Oh…. maybe all the women (who aren’t deeply in love with the 1950’s and that mindset) are? Listen, I don’t mind the 1950’s, I’d like to clean house and have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home too. Except he gets home at weird hours… Whatever. I’d like to wear a puffy house dress and vaccuum with pearls on and accidentally drug my children with benedryl so that I can relax and watch some soaps, or something like that. The truth is, I squeeze every last drop of what I can do out of most days. (at least when I’m not super exhausted, haha) I stay up late doing chores I can’t do when the kids are awake. I never see my husband, because he’s at work when I’m at home and I’m at home when he’s at work. Let’s not kid ourselves. We all wish our lives were different. We all would love to win the lottery, for whatever reason.  Even the people who are most satisfied with their lives are wishing for something just a bit more. Does that make us greedy or ambitious? Probably a little of both. All I know is I could use a vacation. A long one. Preferably by myself. Hell. I’d like 10 minutes alone in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door asking what I’m doing. I’m waving the white flag, life. Can’t we all just get along?

Derringer Meryl [What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Powered by WordPress | Aeros Theme | TheBuckmaker.com WordPress Themes