Undone

One Last Spew, for you! I love it, It’s Special to me, And I’m getting SOOO Much better, you wouldn’t believe. This song isn’t for the person the last song was for, completely different (see, I’m moody, aren’t i?)

Wallflowers,Closer to you

How soft a whisper can get

When you’re walking through a crowded space

I hear every word being said

And I remember that everyday

I get a little bit closer to you

How long an hour can take

When you’re starting into open space

When I feel I’m slipping further away

I remember that everyday

I get a little bit closer to you

These are the days

That I won’t get back

I won’t hear you cry

Or hear you laugh

And when it’s quite

And I don’t hear a thing

I can always hear you breathe

You know there’s nowhere else

I’ve wanted to be

Than be there when you need me

I’m sorry too

But don’t give up on me

And just remember that when you get asleep

I got a little bit closer to you

Derringer Meryl [Stand a Little Closer] Out

I’m a bit of a sinner, never a good enough saint, so here it is, the lyric spew of Halloween. Crush, Mandy Moore

You know everything that I’m afraid of

You do everything I wish I did

Everybody wants you everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel

I wish everyone would disappear

Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me

And I’m too shy to say

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

You know I’m the one that you can talk to

And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know

I just want to hold you

And you say exactly how you feel about her

And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody

But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows

I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you I got a crush

You say everything that no one says

But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel

I will always want you I will always love you

I’ve got a crush

Okay, so i’m sad. I’m pathetic. I’m drowning. this song isn’t totally accurate for the situation, I’m going to break it down, verse by verse, okay?

You know everything that I’m afraid of / You do everything I wish I did / Everybody wants you everybody loves you

Basically, this says, you’re everything i wish i could be. You’re everything that i admire. it really is an amazing line. (forgive my typing, i have fake finger nails on for the holiday. 🙂 this person (she’s singing about) knows her so well, that it’s impossible to understand.

I know I should tell you how I feel / I wish everyone would disappear / Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me / And I’m too shy to say….

The person really matters to her, and makes her feel nervous, so she can’t admit…. her feelings (pretty self explanatory.)

Ooh I got a crush on you / I hope you feel the way that I do / I get a rush / When I’m with you / Ooh I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you

This is where it sorta splits. I don’t really have ROMANTIC feelings for this person. I do care. I do care a TON. I wish i could take back all of the horrid things i’ve done to put us in the situation we’re in now. I really blame myself for the lack of contact we have. I do get a rush when i’m with him. Not a sexual thing, i’ve discovered that now…. that there wasn’t much chemistry there that way…. but i miss the way i felt when i was with him. I could be natural, and he was always…. he was good about it. and i messed it up, nicely.

You know I’m the one that you can talk to / And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know / I just want to hold you / And you say exactly how you feel about her / And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

He doesn’t talk to me …. about him. Just light chit chat. Work stuffs… and he doesn’t know it, but i can read him. i can see what he doesn’t say. i can see his feelings for other people. People i know i can never, ever, measure up to. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, or witty enough. All i want is to be good enough….. good enough to be a friend again…. so we can spend time together. And it kills me every time i see him, because he has every right to act the way he does, to not want to come over and spend time with me…. to hate me. In fact, i wish he did hate me, so i at least could understand where i was with all of this.

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody / But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows / I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you I got a crush

that’s crap, throw that line out, pretty much every one knows how i feel…. except the fact that i feel like a buge idiot for how i acted. How i act. I don’t hate him. I don’t love him (in a romantic sense) but i care. I care so much, and his lack of caring for me back, burns so deeply.

You say everything that no one says / But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel / I will always want you I will always love you / I’ve got a crush

He says that things are okay, when i know the rest of the world would say they aren’t. I know they aren’t… but he always says it’s okay. And i do feel everything he’s afraid to feel, he’s afraid to care, i’m not sure why– but i care so much, and i guess it’s my burden… for the horrible stuff i did, to feel this way. This caring, and to be scorned. It’s my reward. Yeah, i’ll always want him, want to be near him, want to have his company… and i’ll always care…. and i have to learn to be okay with the lack of emotion from his side…. I have to be better than I am.

Derringer Meryl [So weak] Out

Meryl, what makes your problems so difficult?

They’re mine.

it’s that simple. everything in each one of our lives seems more and more difficult, because it’s us. we have intricate problems, with situations and rules and emotions, that someone else couldn’t possibly understand.

Like my situation with Gert. I’d give anything to be able to tell him how I feel. to be open, and flirty, and just… cute. ya know? I’d love to be able to act the way Artemis does around him, (they’re adorable, but completely platonic) I’d give anything to date him and to see if anything would actually work out between us. To see if I could even make him a better friend. I wish I could do that. But he’s my boss. (to which people say, so what?) that means I work with him on a routine basis. Which also means, the uber uncomfortable-ness of our situation would be extreme, if i said anything along the lines of “I really like you. Do you want to go out sometime?” and him saying “No” (as he is bound to do….) we would all feel, extremely odd, and i would loose my job. and then, nothing at all would be good about my life.

*Frowns*

Well. See, then there are phobias, and just– being neurotic, and wants and desires, and … everything. SO Complicated.

oh. and i’m never EVER ever going back to the mall. I’ll just go to the Software Etc, that’s it.

Derringer Meryl [Pistol Whipped] Out

I get the feeling that i should be in more dangerous situations.

I don’t know how many of you have had this opportunity, but if you haven’t, and you are in the position to do so, DO IT, cause it gives you the ultimate rush, EVER!

So Yeah, I mentioned before that I got into a car accident, and while it wasn’t too bad, the guys at work didn’t know that… I went to work , and I was buying my last DVD of Slayers and I mentioned to Gert that i had gotten into a car accident, and this concern filled his eyes, and face, and it was just so….

breath taking. Amazing, Beautiful, heart-warming, and just… something that I wish I could look at every day when I feel bad, or lonely.

Someone feeling honestly concerned for me…. for my welfare. Not because they have to, not because they’re my family or something–

but because he wanted to. And that– is a very… heart warming thing to me. Just another reason why I like him, i guess.

Only two more days until halloween. I’m going to do my nails (Not acryllic, especially after all the bad things i’ve found out about acryllic nails.) and i’m busy brainstorming what would make me look more fairy-like… (I have wings, and a couple of picks i’m going to put in my hair)

Anyway– I’m off to work on various websites

Derringer Meryl [HTML by hand, massochism] Out

Don’t ask me why my mind is where it is– but it is.

and no, for once in my life, it isn’t in the gutter.

I’ve just been listening to my music (depressing mostly) and I was thinking about Red coming to visit next weekend, and i’ve already mentioned how excited I am– and i was thinking

what if, God Forbid, this was the last time we spent together? What if she didn’t even make it to my house, and she never completely understood how much I love her, and value her, as a person and a friend. Then I was thinking, what if we got into a fight this weekend, and something bad happened while she was driving back, we’d never get to work it out. *sighs* and i can just see myself crying, these horrible huge tears, screaming at Monkey, that it’s his fault, that it was his fault that i didn’t get to say i was sorry. That it was okay….. and I can see myself, pretending again. Pretending to be happy when a horrible loneliness was eating at me inside, and I could see Gert asking me if I needed some time off, and me cheerily answering “What for? Did something happen?” and just hiding from the fact I had lost my best friend forever.

and Monkey wanted to switch me shifts, so i’d work saturday, instead of friday (which sucks that i have to work the weekend at all, but i suppose Red will rest on Friday night, and we can party all day long Saturday!… unless she has plans… But, we can party ALL of our allotted time! WAHOO!) and at first, i bent to his will… I said “sure Monkey, whatever you say monkey!” Because i’m me, and completely spineless. Then I called him back, and said “Actually Red is coming up that weekend, and i would really rather spend my time with her than covering your shift… so you can wait to go and kill deer until sunday… okay? Right.” I’m a little slow at it– but I’m getting my priorities right again, cause:

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

Make it last forever friendship never ends,

If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,

Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

Something like that. But Like I said before, there just isn’t anyone in this world at this point in my life, who i really want to shag. Be happy for me. My hormones are now under control. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Spice Girls aren’t evil] Out