Undone

The Specialist was talking about his choice in shoes over on his blog (go and read, it’s quite insightful… if you know him… Heh.) and I told him that he was my guide in my style choices. Heck, i probably would have never went to Hot Topic if it weren’t for him… So, I thought about it… He asked me once if i was wearing Emo Shoes.

I have no clue who or what an Emo is. But everyone calls my shoes Emo shoes (everyone on Ebay does anyway…) So I guess that kinda makes me an emo poser… *shrugs* If I knew i was posing, then I’d pose, but since i have no clue what an emo is, there’s a high chance I am one.

Want to see my Emo Shoes? *laughs* Those are the same color, but I wear a different size. I’ve been wearing sugar shoes since i was a junior in high school. I love the way they fit, they’re always comfortable, and while they wear, They’ve yet to wear OUT. 🙂 I love Hot Topic for selling these shoes, though this particular style they don’t sell anymore. *frowns* so i bought mine online. Hee hee

I’m registered for school (yippie) and i’m taking thirteen credit hours. *frowns* it sucks. A lot.

Derringer Meryl [Martha Stewart’s Creative Genius] Out

I couldn’t resist. I simply Couldn’t when I heard this song!! Falling for the First Time, Barenaked Ladies

I’m so cool, too bad I’m a loser

I’m so smart, too bad I can’t get anything figured out

I’m so brave, too bad I’m a baby

I’m so fly, that’s probably why it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so green, it’s really amazing

I’m so clean, too bad I can’t get all the dirt off of me.

I’m so sane, it’s driving me crazy

It’s so strange, I can’t believe it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost

Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

It feels just like I’m falling for the first time

It feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so chill, no wonder it’s freezing

I’m so still, I just can’t keep my fingers out of anything

I’m so thrilled to finally be failing

I’m so done, turn me over cause it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost

Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost

Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

Yeah. I love this song. I don’t feel it about anyone, not yet anyway! I’m just green, and so cool i’m lame and what not… are you? 😉

Derringer Meryl [Maybe I lost my…] Out

Downer or two– I’m always on one. :S Right. I’m beginning to wonder if anyone from my family that doesn’t live with me even reads this freakish little blog. *shrugs* Or maybe they’re just too polite to say anything about my schizo-psychotic rants.

I’m sure that’s it.

Meh. i’m realizing it’s tuesday, and i’ve done NO new lyric spews for the week. It makes me feel all sorts of bad…. I’ve been busy though. I”m coming up to finals (which sucks majorly. Not passing a class sucks a lot more when you paid for it…. or someone did. Ya know?) and i have a ton of review… and uh… catching up to do. So I really shouldn’t be dawdling by trying to set up Christmas for the house. It’s sad, but if i don’t kick everyone in the pants no Christmas decorations get put up. I feel a little wrong doing it this year. I feel… Like I’ve committed the second worse sin ever known to man. *coughs* So setting up the nativity feels a little odd. I feel like i’m tarnishing everything i touch and then consequently ruining Christmas. …. *sighs* I get melodramatic. Sorry.

Yes, i was discussing the busyness i’m feeling. THen I have to get enrolled in class for next semester. I’m not sure what to do, or anything…. *sighs* I hate it. I hate school… Deeply with the passion of a thousand suns. With the passion of a hundred billion suns.

Okay. I really REALLY hate it, to say the very least.

Right. *sighs*

so i do have a lot to be doing. *sighs* and a lot of stress.

Derringer Meryl [God Grant Me Penance] Out

I’m confused and hurting. I’m going to have to do what i hate to do. I’m going to take the last person on this earth who cares about me…. and I’m going to tell him off. I’m going to say NO. I’m going to send him packing–

and it’s going to hurt, badly. I’ll cry. Cause I hate to hurt people. When you care for people like i do, saying No to someone, it kills you a little inside. Every part of me wants to make everyone happy. Wants to make everything good, and happy, and clean, and — I guess i can’t do it by terms that are wrong… but it kills me. I die. I feel like i’m being more selfish than anything. I have this burden, of things… and it seems like… I want to make things better, but every time i try it simply crumbles beneath my fingers, and though my intentions are good…. nothing good comes from them.

I’m broken, i’m weak, i’m dirty, and i’m soiling each person’s life i come into contact with.

No one understands, no one … Not even Jesus seems to have been in this position before. How would I know what he’d do? It seems so… futile trying to live sometimes, trying to live right….

Adultery…. whether spiritual or physical, is a sin

God will you hold me accountable for the good intentions that turned so wrong? Will you support me while those who aren’t sinless cast their stones at me…? Will you save me as I fall deeper into a world that will take my soul and leave me to rot in hell alone? I only tried to be good, I tried to be charitable… and God help me, I did what I could to help someone in need, and — i didn’t expect what was to happen next, and i guess i still can’t say… but God will you save me? Save me from my good intentions gone so horribly wrong…. save me from myself, and all the things I’ve done against you? I don’t deserve it, but i can’t help but ask.

Hold my hand while I do what seems impossible.

I’ll have to do what i’ve dreaded. Kicking my legs from beneath me in a last attempt to save my soul…. And I have faith that God will keep me from falling on my face. No otherway to live.

Derringer Meryl [Each has their Cross to bear] Out

Happy December, One and All! May I remind you kindly that it’s only twenty seven days until my birthday, and I’ll be ninteen. That means I only have twenty-seven days to goof off and be stupid… 🙂