Undone

I’m confused and hurting. I’m going to have to do what i hate to do. I’m going to take the last person on this earth who cares about me…. and I’m going to tell him off. I’m going to say NO. I’m going to send him packing–

and it’s going to hurt, badly. I’ll cry. Cause I hate to hurt people. When you care for people like i do, saying No to someone, it kills you a little inside. Every part of me wants to make everyone happy. Wants to make everything good, and happy, and clean, and — I guess i can’t do it by terms that are wrong… but it kills me. I die. I feel like i’m being more selfish than anything. I have this burden, of things… and it seems like… I want to make things better, but every time i try it simply crumbles beneath my fingers, and though my intentions are good…. nothing good comes from them.

I’m broken, i’m weak, i’m dirty, and i’m soiling each person’s life i come into contact with.

No one understands, no one … Not even Jesus seems to have been in this position before. How would I know what he’d do? It seems so… futile trying to live sometimes, trying to live right….

Adultery…. whether spiritual or physical, is a sin

God will you hold me accountable for the good intentions that turned so wrong? Will you support me while those who aren’t sinless cast their stones at me…? Will you save me as I fall deeper into a world that will take my soul and leave me to rot in hell alone? I only tried to be good, I tried to be charitable… and God help me, I did what I could to help someone in need, and — i didn’t expect what was to happen next, and i guess i still can’t say… but God will you save me? Save me from my good intentions gone so horribly wrong…. save me from myself, and all the things I’ve done against you? I don’t deserve it, but i can’t help but ask.

Hold my hand while I do what seems impossible.

I’ll have to do what i’ve dreaded. Kicking my legs from beneath me in a last attempt to save my soul…. And I have faith that God will keep me from falling on my face. No otherway to live.

Derringer Meryl [Each has their Cross to bear] Out